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scream posted 3/2/2014 08:25 AM

After a brief talk yesterday I am seeing parts of who I was in my wife now. The depression, the mood swings, I think the feelings of not knowing where solid footing is. And I have caused this for her. Through IC and self work I have gotten myself to a much better place. I no longer have thoughts of killing myself like I used to. I know who I was and who I am becoming. She has said ahe sees it too. And that's a plus for us in our reconciliation. She can see the positive changes in me.

I asked her yesterday to tell me the positives in our marriage at this point...she said because of the frame of mind she's in she couldn't give me any. I was crushed. Was happy to have to leave the house to drop my kids off at a party. I didn't wanna look at her. All I could think was why are you trying anymore...why are you still willling to reconcille? For hours I couldn't come up with a reason for her to do so. I don't know if I can.

I guess I hoped the changes I was making in myself and towards our marriage were going to make the difference. But I don't think its enough for her to find the marriage she always wanted. I can keep going and keep working and continue to keep hope alive.

authenticnow posted 3/2/2014 09:52 AM


I understand why you want validation from your wife that she is seeing positive changes, but in reality you need to be doing this for you.

Keep at it, it sounds like you are doing a lot of growing. It will all come together.


badchoice posted 3/2/2014 14:07 PM

I understand why you want validation from your wife that she is seeing positive changes, but in reality you need to be doing this for you.

This ^^^ is important.

Don't ask her for validation via questions like that. It most likely puts her in a very bad position, and feeling like you are only concerned with a positive outcome. I did that a lot right after Dday and it was not fair to my BW.

Good luck.

scream posted 3/2/2014 15:43 PM

Thanks. Almost 2 years out. We talk a lot, we share. It scared me when she said she couldn't. I wasn't trying to put preassure on her. I wanted to try and get her to think of something good. Some progress we have made since dday. Not just the progress I have made. But the progress we have made together in our marriage. Wife has been down the rabbit hole as she calls it. Trying to help her climb out. I know I can't and she can't do it by herself. We have talked about what is going on. And that was a question I asked.

Not the first time she has felt like this. And I know won't be the last. So talking about the bad and the good I think will help. When she couldn' truely scared me.

sad34 posted 3/2/2014 22:37 PM

When the BS is feeling down, we r In a pit so deep that usually nothing positive can climb out.
Tomorrow, next week, next month, when she's having a great day, then she may be able to come up with lots of things.
When we think of our husbands choosing someone else, for so many years, it's all consuming, and at that point to say, ya this, this and this has been great is impossible to say.
We r at that moment stuck in the betrayal, it squeezes our hearts/our soul/everything that we knew to b true is stolen from us.
We absolutely appreciate u working hard (i agree u should b doing it for u as well). We r so thankful that u r committed and trying to turn your life around. But in our minds we think....why weren't we good enough before, why didn't u put all the effort into our marriage rather then the affair, how could u choose OW time and time again.
Don't get discouraged scream please, don't. Keep on keeping on. Put in 110 percent everyday. If teach wants to reconcile, then believe she does until the day she chooses not to.
No matter how angry, or sad she gets if she is still choosing r, pls just keep doing your part.
It takes time. Pls be patient and don't expect too much from teach, just love her and cherish her and one day she will have lots of great things to day.

[This message edited by sad34 at 10:39 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 3/3/2014 02:56 AM

I'm glad you're in a better place. I'm sure Teach8 is too. Sometimes it's just hard as a BS to watch our WS blossoming into a better person while we feel like we lost that better person we already were to pain and anger and confusion over something we had no say in.

Tomorrow, next week, next month, when she's having a great day, then she may be able to come up with lots of things.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. Ironically, if she's feeling down that may be the moment that you trigger for validation. If you can, I agree that waiting until she's in a better frame of mind is probably best to have that conversation.

Personally, I've come a long way in a lot of respects in terms of personal growth, but it makes me sad sometimes that the new me has scars all over her heart. Just the other night I burst into tears in bed, all because I had the fleeting thought about how much was "taken" from DD while I was mitigating depression all these years. I had such grandiose plans of being fair, calm, and stable for her. I pictured how her first year of life would look and it was filled with light and laughter. As fate would have it I spent her life from month 7 to about 1.5 years old just trying to put on a brave face. Faking it. Phoning it in. I knew that that wasn't ALL I had shared with her, but I still felt robbed of real-life moments I had been anticipating my whole life.

Luckily for me Crazz was ready to support me - not by trying to fix it or have a conversation about the positives - he just held me and stroked my hair while I got the cry out. Thanks to counseling and being a little farther out on the healing road, I was able to use positive self-talk and remind myself that nobody goes through life unscathed. We just have to do what we can with today.

I'm sharing this to offer some perspective that may explain why reciting the positives can be hard sometimes. We know they're there. The work you are doing in undeniable. It still just doesn't seem.... real, I guess, or fair. It's going to take a few more years (according to the general scale) to get back to anything looking like normal. Can you be ok with supporting her for a while longer without having any answers from her? It's a work of love and altruism, but nothing says unconditional devotion like taking care of someone regardless of what you get out of it.

I know it's hard. It's ok to say you're struggling. I just want you to keep hoping for as long as you can. It's worth it.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:58 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

scream posted 3/3/2014 23:11 PM

Sad and JRazz, thanks. Teach and I have talked a lot the lst 24 hours or so. Think we both get frustrated at the miss communication that sometimes happens. Its a process and we are both learning how to listen to each other and to talk to each other.

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