So Friday marked the end of my mental deadline for any possibility of R. Well as you all probably foresaw, The Arse did not suddenly have a remorseful change of heart.
Saturday I emailed my solicitor (I'm in the UK) explaining how I was now ready to restart the D process. I knew I needed to do it to stop me backing out somehow.
But...The Arse's mum just died last week.
Then I realised I needed to let The Arse know before he got an email from his solicitor surprising him with the news. The Arse had politely texted me asking if I had a CD that he wanted to play at his mum's funeral. I don't have it, but looked for it in case. Nope, don't have it. So I decided to phone him back. I told him that I'd looked but didn't have it. He was not happy. Then I told him:
Me: Oh, and I've contacted my solicitor to start the divorce up again
The Arse: [pause] Huh? Timing!
Me: I thought this was what you wanted?
The Arse: [non-committal grunt] But, timing!
Me: I've had this mental deadline since September, it's not about you. I just wanted to let you know.
Now there's another thing: My BIl has helped line up a potential part-time clergy job for me. The job has a discernment process that has a few stages and the next one is to go and have a look around and meet a few people for a weekend. The Arse and I currently split the weekend with the children, so I needed to ask him if he was ok to take them for an entire weekend.
I realised this morning, just before he returned the children, that I needed to ask him today, so that I can get back to them this week (there's some complicated timing issues). So this was the conversation:
Me: I have to go up for a weekend to look at a potential job, would you be able to look after the boys for me the entire weekend, might mean a school dropoff too?
The Arse: When is it?
Me: I'm not sure, I needed to find out if you'd do it first so that I can get back to them and work out dates.
The Arse: Where is the job?
Me: You don't need to know that
The Arse: [getting angry] Yes I do. I tell you when I move job!
Me: You move job within 4 weeks, it takes months for me to move [as he well knows]
The Arse: So when would you be starting?
Me: It's early days, this is just a looksee, not even an interview. But IF I got it, probably start in September
The Arse: So you won't tell me where?
Me: You don't need to know
The Arse: So you'll tell me if it gets to interview?
Me: Yes, if it becomes likely, but it's early days and I already had 2 that didn't happen.
If it comes to interview, I think I'm going to ask for midweek and see if my mum can babysit for a couple of days! Surely he doesn't need to know unless I get the job?
But anyway...so within the last week the following realisations have hit him: His mother (root of many FOO issues and especially his passive aggressive personality disorder) has died (I love her too). He is being divorced. His children may be leaving the area in Sept (if I get the job, we'll be moving away).
The timing is lousy but needful, especially the job. Part time clergy posts for women in my position (separated and soon to be D) are like hens teeth and I need to follow this up. I feel like such a b****, though.
Oh and we'll all be at the funeral together in 2 weeks. I imagine he's going to make me out to be a callous b**** to everyone who knows me, now that he has something nasty to say about me.
And I suppose I need to change The Arse's status from WH to STBXWH now too...
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - Unremorseful passive aggressive blameshifter. Many EA's & at least 1 PA. Dday Aug 2012. Walked out April 2013. Demanded D, now stalling.
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.