"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Prilyy posted 3/2/2014 11:57 AM

I am new, not sure where to go. Short version...Married 10 yrs together 12, went out of town, husband started affair with friend of ours who is married to his friend. Found out on oct 30th about affair. affair continues, he cant make up his mind, she gets pregnant, paternity proves my husband is the father. She is due in July with a girl. He and I have a 7 yr old daughter together. He says shes crazy but is "supporting her" throughout the pregnancy and does not think they are destined to be together. He wont pull the trigger on divorce and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it myself. I have been a home maker for 12 yrs. Before I found out he was cheating I put myself through school and became a CNA. Got a job 3 weeks out of school but in no way does it pay the bills and I don't know how I am going to make it. Were losing our home in all of this too. He abandoned us! I get texts from him all of the time saying he is stuck and does not know what to do. I drop to my knees unable to breath when this nightmare takes over my mind. Its hard to focus. I have lost 75 pounds since September. I am looking for advise, guidance and wondering if anyone is going through a similar situation. :(

scarednbroken posted 3/2/2014 12:05 PM

First I want to say - you are among friends here. Breathe.

There are some that will have better advice than I. I WAS in a similar situation (no OC tho) years ago. I did not leave. And I am here now because he never stopped cheating. He just got sneaky. Keep in mind unless he changes staying with him will only hurt more.

I think the best advice I have heard is to start the 180. Read about it in the healing library link. It works. You have to focus on taking care of you because you have a tremendous battle ahead. It is for your sake and your DD. You have to be healthy and strong. Eat. Drink water. Try to get rest. See your doctor for help.

I'm sending you hugs and support. (((Prilly)))

LA44 posted 3/2/2014 12:10 PM

((Prilyy)) My goodness my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you find yourself here but know that you are in good hands while on SI. It is group full of wonderful, caring individuals who are on the same painful road.

I know someone with a similar story will come by but feel it is safe to say that you my dear, need to start taking better care of yourself. You have a daughter who needs you and who is looking up to you every step of the way.

Please start with you - start eating well and hydrate yourself with water. It will help you think, sleep and give you the energy you need during this painful time.

You need to start freezing your H out. He has abandoned you? He does not deserve your time.

I get texts from him all of the time saying he is stuck and does not know what to do.

Well if he doesn't know what to do at this point then he better get some professional help. Let him know that you are not his caregiver and he certainly isn't yours. His words are one of a helpless, selfish man and his behavior matches it. And now, another child coming into the world.

Please read up on the 180 in the Healing Library.
You will find that and some other empowering reading matrial (top left bar of SI).

You need to find your voice.

Again, someone will come along who has walked this path. Keep posting. SI members "get it". We've got your back.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:12 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

strangeasfiction posted 3/2/2014 12:27 PM

Prilyy - I'm so sorry you are going through this! If you're not eating, not sleeping or just generally not taking care of yourself then you need to do whatever you can to start making healthy choices. You need this for yourself and your daughter needs this as well.

Does the "friend" (other woman's husband) know that he is not the father of the child?

tushnurse posted 3/2/2014 18:58 PM

Welcome. You are safe here and will get tons of great advice. Right now you are in survival mode. Time to Put you priority number one.

Here is a to do list and I want you to do these things tomorrow.
1. Go see a lawyer now. Call first thig tomorrow an get an appt with at least one. You need toxin our your rights his responsibilities and what his obligations are toward you an thos oc. You also need to file for child support. If te ow claims this baby as his you wan to be first to the $$ for your child.

2. Call your Dr make a same day appt and tell your dr what's going on. Get meds to help you think, you absolutely need to be able to eat and get sleep. You also need to be std tested and you can set up that appt whole you are there.

3. Call you local version of DFS. If your spouse has abandoned you and you are not working or only working at minimum wage you need help with food an housing. These people will help you. Get you an application for food stamps and likely HUD housing.

4. Google food pantrys by zip code. This will get you some grocers that are decent and free up a few dollars to help you out.

5. Tell yourself every day and every time you start to spiral this. "I did not cause this, I deserve mOre. I am smart, I am capable and I am feirce, I will survive this and be stronger for it. He is te one that is going to loose. " Say this until you believe it.

You are a mom, you are smart, and you will make it through this.
Stay strong keep reading and keep posting

((( and strength)))

Broken821 posted 3/2/2014 19:12 PM

I am in a similar situation. I had been with him for 15 years. He has a 2 year old with the OW. I myself feel for you. Its a bad feeling knowing I have to learn to live without him. I am a nurse now. I can pay my bills and take care of my kids without him. How do we get through this? I want to move but I know my kids will suffer. Everyone says to move on but how? He was my first love. I have 2 kids with him. Why does this happen? Well, keep me posted... I wish you the best.

norabird posted 3/2/2014 21:54 PM

Hugs to you! You ARE strong enough. Start with tushnurse's list. I'm so mad at your WH on your behalf--I wish you could get mad too! Do not buy one word about his confusion or whatever he is feeding you--no real man leaves his family in the lurch like this and he is lying, lying lying about the situation to avoid dealing with the fallout. Selfish man he is he lets all that fall on your lap!! Please please see a lawyer and adopt the mantra tushnurse gave you.

You are going to have a better life without him. It will be a long hard road but a happier future is off in the distance at the end of it.

You do not deserve any of this.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/2/2014 22:05 PM

So he impregnated another woman and left you?

Usually i come here and suggest filing for divorce to shock the WS into realizing what they are about to lose. Then they can choose R or D.

However, here i would file for divorce and leave him. You deserve better.

I think I can posted 3/3/2014 06:26 AM

And I will say what I said on another thread.

File for child support NOW. The first filer gets the biggest piece of the pie. If the OW files first, SHE will get the money that should go to your children. You will get leftovers, maybe. Maybe that's why your husband doesn't want to file for divorce--he wants the OW to have the money?

PLEASE go see a lawyer.

RollrCoasterRydr posted 3/3/2014 06:49 AM

I totally understand being on your knees and not being able to breathe. I've been there and for me, the pain doesn't stop, but it isn't so raw. When you can't be strong for you, be strong for your daughter. When I am not sure what to do, I think about how I would advise my adult daughter if she came to me. We can't control the choices our WS makes, but we can control how we respond.
Deep breath. Sending hugs your way.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/3/2014 08:02 AM

I'm awfully sorry you find yourself here.

I think you're going to have to get back out and start working again, because if your husband is going to acknowledge this kid as his, he's probably going to be on the hook for child support for the next 21 years. You might want to consider getting an order of child support for YOUR child first - the first child support order supposedly gets the biggest share of his income. Any subsequent child support orders are configured on what's left of his salary after deducting for child support order number one.

Protect yourself financially before you get steamrolled.

Good luck to you.