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Everything I wanted trashed by my actions

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RaggetyAndy posted 3/2/2014 12:22 PM

Not sure where to begin.......... I met the most amazing woman in my life in October 2013. No situation is perfect, however we connected on so many levels despite our age difference (21 years) and our backgrounds. This followed an incredibly emotionless and sordid period of hedonism in my life. For several years I had no emotional attachments and my only socializing was with women I was dating and none of them was serious. It was just the mindless thing I had needed following my marriage. Mistakenly (on my part) and in part due to my career in the military, I was fairly rootless and socialization with other men was essentially restricted to the workplace and I have always tried to make a distinction between workplace and personal life.

At any rate, I met this beautiful woman whom I adore and love beyond any level I had previously felt was possible and we were intensely drawn to each other. She told me and on social networks beamed with enthusiasm for us and had told me I was the "love of her life". Technologically savvy, I don't think I fully understood or grasped how important social media, texting, and the like are to people of her generation. I also didn't see its significance for a hardworking mother of 2 who doesn't have a lot of time for social interaction. Additionally, I it didn't fully register or resonate as it should have all she was doing to be with me. I have heard it said that evolutionarily homo sapiens are successful in large part due to remember the bad, scary, or concerning and are less cognizant of the good, abundant, and joyful things of this world. I cannot blame it on my knuckle-dragging ancestors, but certainly if this is true, I definitely did similarly.

I got focused on affirmation - specifically words - hearing her love the way I wanted to hear it expressed. We have both had many lovers and are sexually very expressive and we shared many of our trysts with one another. We have related to each other about good lovers, great lovers, and everyone in between. Succinctly, we both hooked up a lot. She is an excellent lover and I have told her as much - verbal things are my language of love - words really hit the spot with me and I love expressing my feelings. Her language is action and acts of service - she is way less verbal. I have also done much to show her I love her with my actions and despite my missteps I believe she knew I was giving it my all . The lack of words at first was frustrating for me to not hear I was a good lover or even a shitty lover. Her response is why would I be in bed with you if I didn't like it and we have spent lots of time in bed. I get that better now than I did months ago. For me it is not hard to say to someone who is a good/great lover- "you are a good/great lover" for her it seems silly because she sees it as being redundant - I am here aren't I? I think I read too much into her lack of expressiveness and pushed for this verbal affirmation or approval. Insecurity? I would like to think not, but it is nice to know you are getting the job done satisfactorily - she was having orgasms after all. I was pushing for her to express her feeling verbally. It is meaningful to me to hear these things. She had freely stated when we shared about ex lovers - this guy was really good or knew what he was doing etc. So not hearing things like that about myself I asked her what she liked and she really didn't want to speak about it. Again words are not her thing. I recognize that sexuality is something very personal but I also feel that you need to communicate what you want and what you need from a partner. To not do so really sets them up to read your mind. I want to be a good lover to anyone I am with so that is my natural inclination anyhow.

She has many male friends that were FWB types and then friends and back and forth and in and out of her life - which despite her suspicions - doesn't bother me. She chats with them regularly on Facebook and text. I am logical enough to know that if she still wanted those relationships she would still be in them. I don't stay so close to my FWB partners, (but am close with my wife -separated for many years). I have no problem with these guys or the father of her daughter whom she sees as dual household co-parenting and continued to sleep with for years following the daughters birth and their mutual understanding that there was a relationship solely for the daughter and if they got together to have sex -well it was a safe and comfortable fit. Honestly none of this bothers me, she sees him regularly and I know isn't sleeping with him. None of these guys and their shared history bothers me. There is no competition - it is really about doing the best I can so I don't feel jealousy toward them. I feel competition within myself to be the best I can for myself, her, and us. I guessed I wanted to hear how I was doing overall in the relationship and in bed and my push for affirmation really caused her to pull back (understandably) and she has much on the line so it makes sense. The health and well-being of her and her family are at stake. Well she started being on social media and texting what seemed a good deal more and as soon as I left the room would be on the phone or internet. While I was cooking dinner she would be in the living room or bedroom focused on this. I wasn't suspicious of her seeing anyone but the increase in activity and the fact if I were in the room she would shield the phone or quickly shut things down when I came in started to get me to ask questions.

We started couples counseling and at our first meeting the therapist has asked about the exclusivity of the relationship. I acknowledged that it was exclusive and she didn't say anything (later she says she did ). I hadn't dated anyone during our courtship and subsequent early pregnancy. This lack of acknowledgement really threw me for a loop. Perhaps I read too much into it but I felt it was appropriate to start to think about my social life if the relationship went south. I had a old OKCupid that I set up but hadn't really used so much over the past year. I had used an eHarmony site before I met her and hadn't used since I met her. On the OKCupid site I happened to come across her account and she had been there in 14 January 2014 (I have never mentioned to her that I saw that) and our first therapy visit was a few weeks later where she failed to acknowledge our exclusivity in my recollection. I was blown away by finding this and given the fact she had pulled away and our mutual casual approach to sexuality I felt the relationship was headed in a poor direction. So I wrote a note to a young woman who seemed interesting on the site. Nothing lewd or suggestive. Simply - hey you sound cool maybe we could hang out sometime. It seemed appropriate to have some social connections following since my FWBs before I met my gf were pissed off I was seeing someone and I didnt want to visit that FWB thing because I really wanted a relationship.

Well it turns out my gf knows this girl and they pieced it together. I didn't deny it. I am not proud of it - it was not an attempt to get a quick lay - it was really an attempt to find a social connection/friend in a place I am relatively new to. I have been stationed here for 2 years and deployed for 7 months of that time. At any rate she was irate and hurt and understandably so. I didn't fire back as to why she was on the site and never made mention that I know she had been there a few weeks early (the site records your last visit).

We have continued to go to therapy and things are rough at times. I really love this girl and if she were not pregnant I would still be here because she means that much to me. She still comes over and has her moods (pregnancy and a guy who wrote a woman on a dating site can do lots to moods). Additional background is that she really loved a guy in her last serious relationship a 5 or 6 years ago who was a serial cheater and she forgave him many times I think and she says she really did everything to please him - cook his meals, clean his house, etc - things I have no need of her doing for me but it shows her level of commitment and it brings back lots of bad memories. I am hoping she doesn't see me as the same caliber man. I had cheated on my first gf in college and felt such remorse I never did again.

I love this woman so much and I love her kids. 12 year old boy who is coming around and is sweet but very shy. We got off on a bad note but things have gotten progressively better. Her daughter 6 and I have connected like two peas in a pod.

I have no questions, but if you wanted to offer insight or constructive input or simply your well-wishes to make this thing work it would be very much appreciated. Thanks for listening to my ramble - It is not so organized.

Deeply Scared posted 3/2/2014 14:35 PM


It's good to have you with us. I would imagine you'll be able to offer lots of insight to others along with continuing on your own path towards healing

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