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Exhausted and Confused

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justmeandkids posted 3/2/2014 12:40 PM

I have never posted on a forum before so bare with me. I found out July 2013 that my husband was having an affair with the mom of my 9 year old sons classmate. Yes, our marriage had been struggling for the last couple of years but of course I would have never expected this. The husband of the whore is the one who confirmed the affair to me by a facebook message. He filed for divorce within 10 days. I made my WH leave the house. He has been living with his mom across town 4 days of the week and then with the whore on the days that her two children go to stay with their dad.(Until very recently, it was when he was staying at the whore's house that I would get sorrowful texts such as "I miss u guys." "I miss normalcy." "I'm working on getting rid of the whore" Yes, he calls her the whore too!!!
My WH came home for almost 2 weeks in August/early September 2013. Caught him with her again so he had to go again. We also went to MC a couple of times before he refused to go anymore during this same time period.
Because my WH knows that the ex-husband of the whore and I have had contact, my WH asked me to contact the ex-husband and see if I can find any dirt on his whore for him. He is frantic that she is going to cheat on him since she cheated with him. He has since found out that his whore has had three other affairs that the ex-husband did not know about. But yet my WH still stays with her.
I should also mention that he refuses to be with his whore when her kids are with her. He says he wants nothing to do with someone else's kids. Meanwhile, my kids want nothing to do with him. You see, before I knew about the affair my WH and the whore were having playdates with our kids to facilitate their affair. This really sickens me. He accuses me of turning his kids against him, but he just doesn't see how his actions have affected the kids.
Fast forward to New Years Eve. He wanted the kids to spend the night but they chose not to because they don't trust him. He has joked with them that he was going to take them to his whore's house so they only go with them when they have to. So I took the brunt of that with nasty, text messages, calling me every name in the book while sitting at dinner with my family. Then the next morning he called and asked if he could come over and work on the yard. I said yes, but told him I wouldn't put up with any crap. When he got to the house, he apologized, said he never wanted a divorce, still loves me, wants to raise our kids together, and wanted to fix things starting right then. (I should mention he has shown very little emotion, empathy or remorse and this was the most he had ever said since this whole thing started.)
Unfortunately, I let him come home and agreed that we would try to work things out. He refuses to go to counseling again. Things were seemingly going good and I was able to verify that days that I was at work that he wasn't with her (she works out of her home). Then on the tenth day he said he needed to go to his moms to get some more of his clothes. Well, as you can guess, I caught him at her house again. I told him not to come back and asked him why he did this and he said, "I'm stupid."
Since then I have tried to do the 180. I only respond to texts that deal with my kids. Because he picks up my kids from school a couple days a week and he has nowhere to take them unless he goes to his moms across town, I let him bring them to the house. This is incredibly difficult to have him here in the house when I get home. In the last month I have asked him to go ahead and leave when I get home. (he used to hang around, sometimes until it was time to tuck the kids in for bed.
He is out in public with this woman for all to see. He even chose to have a special V-Day dinner with his whore less than a mile from my house. He has no shame. When he dropped off the kids the other evening, me and the kids had plans and he demanded to know where we were going. Really????
I should mention that his finances are horrible but he is still paying the bills he paid prior to the affair.
I still see the MC for IC and she told me recently that I have put up with more craziness from him than any client she has had in her 12 years of counseling.
He has recently become much more nasty but I think it is because I have put up some boundaries and he doesn't like it. I had to, I have been to nice and he has been eating cake far too long.
So the end to this long rant is, I really don't want a divorce, believe it or not, but I feel like I don't have any other choice. I am afraid he is going to financially devastate me (he has spent thousands of dollars on her, jewelry, ipad, television, microwave,lawnmower, etc) and he has not changed one single behavior. Don't know if being served divorce papers will get his attention or is what he wants. He has told his family that he has no intentions of staying with this woman and knows if he did he would lose his kids forever.)Guess I'll find out.
How can I go through all this and still say that I don't want a divorce and if he wanted, I would still try to work out our marriage?

sunsetslost posted 3/2/2014 16:55 PM

I'm so sorry justme. You are In a safe place here. I see you've read the healing library. That's good. Follow the advice and wisdom of the wonderful people here. And take care of yourself and the kids.

Gently, he sounds like he's completely unremourseful. You always have a choice but it sounds to me like you've made your decision. Stay strong. You deserve better.

BrooklynLove posted 3/2/2014 17:29 PM

If you want to save your marriage you have to shock him by serving him with divorce papers. The affair is already exposed I'm assuming and you have taken him back so many times that he knows you will take him back again. Right now the OW is making him feel guilty about the end of her marriage. You should expose the OW to her family and friends (ask them to influence her to stop this immoral behavior) via Facebook. They may be telling the public that their marriages were already over for other reasons. Expose the OW and your WH via Facebook, mail, email to all your friends and family. Do the 180, go NC with WH and have him served. You can always stop the Divorce or remarry. Below are sample exposure messages/letters.

Dear friend of OW,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for X years. They have been having this affair since 'date' according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because he has been carrying on an affair with a woman named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. She is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on her affair without my interference.

He refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on him, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

justmeandkids posted 3/2/2014 19:18 PM

I know that I really don't have any other option but to file but for some reason I keep trying to talk myself out of it.
He has shown not one bit of emotion and is cold and distant. I am hoping that filing will make me feel like I have the control and I can get stronger. I still cry everyday. I have good friends and family but I am afraid that I am wearing them out with all of the drama.
He won't come out and tell me he wants a divorce. Is this normal? Does he think that I will just wait until he gets damn good and ready.
I also have to see his whore every morning when I drop my kids off at school so every morning gets off to a bad start.
The whore's family all knows about this. Most of her family and friends have given her the cold shoulder. In fact, her ex-husband hangs out with her family because they are so mad at her.
Oh, and I thought this was so sleazy when I asked him what kept him going over there to be with her. He said, she treats me like a god!!! I wanted to fucking puke.
thanks for the words of encouragement.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/2/2014 21:58 PM

Why do you want to stay with him?

After he was exposed, he still went to dinner with this woman. He knew this would upset you.

So again, why would you want to stay with someone who knowingly treats you with such disrespect.

norabird posted 3/2/2014 22:01 PM

It is crazy how we can hang on with the skin of our teeth to the most pathetic dregs of a dead relationship. I don't say this to judge--I say it having BTDT.

But at some point you just have to let go. You have to protect yourself. You have to cut off those feelings of vulnerability and love and forgiveness. He does not deserve ANY of those feelings.

If you really need the hope then yes, listen, you can file for divorce and stop the process before it's final. If he snaps out of it you don't have to D. Or you can D and remarry!

But realistically you know and I know that you can't just keep hoping he will become a remorseful, responsible man. Whatever BS he feeds you about wanting to escape from this woman his actions show otherwise. And whatever you say about drawing boundaries your actions show you are a soft landing. This is allllll about actions honey. Put every single word on mute.

No more nice loving wife act from you when he has not earned it. Protect your family and yourself and file. If he catches up to you, great. If not, good riddance.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:02 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

Skan posted 3/3/2014 14:13 PM

Look. Your WH is SQUANDERING all of YOUR marital assets on his whore. He is taking money that is meant for support of you, his wife, and of his children, and throwing it away to score points with a gold digger. If you don't move and move quickly, you WILL end up bankrupt. And unfortunately, you would not be the first person on this site to be put into that position.

Get to a lawyer. File immediately for divorce or a legal separation whatever would protect your assets quickest. File for sole use of the house and change the locks. File for physical custody of your children, and file for both child and spousal support. Print out all of your bank and other financial statements and tell your lawyer that you want repayment of 1/2 of all the money he has spent on this floozy and tell the lawyer that you want your finances separated immediately. Open your own personal account, deposit a minimum of 1/2 of the money into it from your joint account, and close out all joint accounts as well as joint credit cards. You absolutely have to protect your children from his financial adultery.

And no more Ms. Accommodating. He doesn't come back into your house. If he wants visitation with the children, then he needs to provide a place suitable for that, and that is NOT in you and your children's Safe Place, i.e., your home. Not Your Problem. He fired you from the job of wife.

I highly suggest that you go down to the Separation and Divorce forum and start talking to the people there for ideas of what you need to do to protect you and your children. Because like your username says, it really IS just you and the kids. (((hugs)))

lastdance posted 3/3/2014 15:55 PM

omg-----he treats you so bad------get those divorce papers or legal separation--------he is spending too much money on her-----that momey belongs to you and the kids-----this guy is a teal player and he is playing you real good-----he does not come around your house, nc with him you do not have to see him or talk to him----he left his kids so do not fall for his'lies' about loving his kids-----you are being to accommodating to this jerk---making life too easy for him-----HE WANTS TO BE WITH THE OTHER WOMAN----if he is that shallow that he needs her to make him feel like a king then girl you need to run away from him as fast as you can-----he already has made his decision------do not be afraid of divorce----things work out------how can you love a man who cheated on you and abandons his marriage and children-----get tested for stds----your husband knows how to play the game,he thinks he is slick------GET TESTED___AND DONT LET HIM TOUCH YOU_____

justmeandkids posted 3/3/2014 19:04 PM

Thanks for the kick in the pants everyone.
I forgot to mention that I think he is also delusional because he texted me last weekend and asked if I would buy a new vehicle and give him mine (paid off, of course) and then he would help me with monthly payments. I wanted to die laughing! He really does think that I am stupid!!! How could a sane person rationalize in their head that I would do this for him when alls he ever does is disrespect me and rub my nose in it???
Tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary. It's gonna suck, I know it already. I am still so emotional. Have already warned my coworkers that my whole goal for tomorrow is breathe deep and make it through the day.

LifeIsBroken posted 3/3/2014 20:19 PM

Document every penny he has spent on the whore; you should and likely will be reimbursed for ALL of it. Not half, ALL. I was because I had definite documentation.

Protect yourself financially NOW. He does not care about you or his children, he only cares about being the KISA to the whore. You want to believe he's sane. He isn't. His sanity went out the door some time back.

You would like to believe he will 'do the right thing' by you and his / your children. He won't. STOP letting him step into your home whenever he wants. Change the locks. Tell him he no longer lives there.

He is waiting for you to file because he doesn't have the guts. He thinks by letting you do it, then he can blame shift at your expense because YOU filed, not him. Who cares. File now and save yourself emotional heartache and financial heartache. Document every penny he is blowing on her while you still can. If you haven't separated your finances, do it now. Open your own account and begin putting money into it. If you have joint credit cards, sever them as best you can. He will be responsible for any of the credit cards in his name, even if you are a secondary signer. If you are the main card holder for any cards and he is a signer, get his name off them IMMEDIATELY. You would like to believe he won't hurt you or his children. Forget that, he will hurt you as long as you allow him to do so. It's like he's lost his mind - because he has. He's in luv, after all.

So sorry you're going through this but you must protect yourself NOW. It's hard, it hurts, and it's not fair. But, sadly, it is what it is. He's insane, you aren't. Act accordingly. Protect yourself and what's left of your assets - and what's left of your sanity. (((E&C)))

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