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Newest Member: Duped12times (45727)

User Topic: Rewiring my brain
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the day: The first anniversary of the day I moved out. That means we can file (Hurrah!)! Of course, we have to finish this separation agreement first, which is taking forever, but we'll get there.

Maybe it's time for me to get past this whole blinding anger thing?

Here's an embarrassing thing: The whole time we were together, many times a day, her name would just pop into my head. I would smile, think about how much I loved her, and feel happy (or so I thought). Doesn't sound TOO codependent, does it? Or maybe just dependent?

Anyhow, her name still pops into my head many times a day (habit I guess). Since I've entered the anger stage, I've consciously replaced the loving thoughts with "cheating c**t". I know, that's not so healthy, and is probably helping to keep the anger so alive and well.

So I made a decision how to work on this. Whenever I think of her name today, I have a very calm voice in my head say, "That's somebody I used to know."

Trying to slowly rewire my fucked-up brain. We'll get there eventually.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that reaching the milestones, such as one year since S, sometimes helps me to make the changes I want to make in my life. This sounds like a good way to get started Pass.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4669 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Heal&Deal
♀ 30910
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger in this process can serve a purpose. It can be used to propel us forward. It can also sour our moods and jade our attitude. Kudos to you to recognizing where you can take control of your thought processes.

Still, take it easy on yourself. The waywards often don't make the D process as easy as it could be, with selfishness and unreasonable demands. Then there is the financial consequence of D. And, the never-ending co-parenting. There will very likely be angry periods along the way. It is natural. The feelings are valid, real and necessary for your ultimate recovery.

Due to co-parenting, I am still exposed to a level of XH nonsense and see my son suffer from time to time, which will piss me off for an evening or so. However, for me the real anger ended with time and, really, just getting on with my life. Slowly the holes where XH previously took brain space were filled with other relationships, activities, etc. It happens, eventually, naturally as you heal and move into your future.

Cheering for you - hang in there!


Posts: 920 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, Pass. I do believe that at some point we have to make a decision to not wallow in the past. It impedes our growth and the potential for the fabulous future we have waiting out there for us.

Like you, mine was a conscious decision. I got to the point where I was tired of me wallowing, and decided to make changes. Others get there without having to do that. It's more natural to them, I suppose.

And, if it helps any (and you didn't already read it in New Beginnings) I posted a thread several weeks ago titled "lol, I didn't recognize him" Yep, the father of my children, the man I was in a relationship over 25 years came to the house to pick up younger son (who didn't tell me his dad was coming by), I opened the door, and thought he was a door-to-door solicitor.

So you can rewire your brain, and get to less than indifference. It just takes time. But in the meantime, remaining in the anger (or resentment, or any other negative emotion) only hurts you.

And btw, I'm not aiming this at you Pass. I'm feeling wordy today, and your post gave me a jumping point. Plus, there's a lot of newbies here who need to see that there's hope of getting through this shit storm.

And for any newbie that is reading this, I'm not saying get over it right this second. Not at all. It's okay to be sad, and mad, and hurt. It really is. Just recognize that when you get to a point where you feel like staying in the negative emotions is doing you harm, that it's time to make a change. For you. For your healing.

It'll be worth it.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, the father of my children, the man I was in a relationship over 25 years came to the house to pick up younger son (who didn't tell me his dad was coming by), I opened the door, and thought he was a door-to-door solicitor.

Holy shit, Inconnu, I can't even imagine the joy that must have brought you!

There will very likely be angry periods along the way. It is natural. The feelings are valid, real and necessary for your ultimate recovery.

Yep, she still has my kids for five days per week, so I have no doubt of that. There will be moments of intense anger. It's this constant burn that I'm hoping I can get rid of. I really don't want to spend the rest of my days bitter. She doesn't deserve the headspace!


This whole thing of having her name pop into my brain repeatedly: Is that freakish? Something I should mention to my shrink?

I guess anything that bugs me is something I should mention to my shrink, eh?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use the image of our last encounter as a couple.

The discussion was getting heated so I went to leave. He said "if you walk out that door we are over".

I calmly said "You promise? and walked out.

Of course he broke that promise and tried to Hoover me back in but I stayed strong. He tried until he secure his plan Z - OWUmpteen.

This memory has given me strength through the hardest of times.

You're going to get through this pass.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit, Inconnu, I can't even imagine the joy that must have brought you!

omg, you have no idea. I laughed like a fool for at least 30 minutes. just thinking about it now makes me smile again.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, I would say that it wasn't until last fall that I realized I'd reached a point where my ex didn't fully preoccupy my thoughts, and that was a full 2.5 years after DDay. He's still there in my mind, but he doesn't monopolize my brain now. I still have to consciously push him away sometimes. Other times he's just. not. there. I'm fully two-year past the day I threw him out of the house.

It takes lots of time.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10017 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, I would say that it wasn't until last fall that I realized I'd reached a point where my ex didn't fully preoccupy my thoughts, and that was a full 2.5 years after DDay. He's still there in my mind, but he doesn't monopolize my brain now. I still have to consciously push him away sometimes. Other times he's just. not. there. I'm fully two-year past the day I threw him out of the house.

Two years? God damn, dude! This first year damn near killed me. You're a frigging superhero!

Guess I just need to soldier on, eh? Considering the alternative is to try to "win" her back. That would NOT be a win.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you just soldier on. There will be many times it seems so artificial and unnatural, that you're just going through the motions. But really it's like the Karate Kid going through those motions, over & over. He didn't realize WHY he was going through those motions. He just kept on doing them with faith (and sometimes doubt) that there ultimately was a purpose.

So you keep on changing your thoughts. It's good for you. It shows great insight when you realize that your former thoughts weren't serving you, so you have modified them for the time being. That shows progress, my friend.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10017 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!

[This message edited by Pass at 11:08 PM, March 2nd, 2014 (Sunday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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