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3+ years, and I have changed my mind

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blueberry posted 3/2/2014 17:35 PM

I have been in R with my FWS for 3 years now. We have both been in IC and MC. We have both been committed to our family and rebuilding our marriage. He has acknowledged my pain and endured my unleashed anger.
Last summer, my anger finally hit rock bottom. Of course, you do not know it is the bottom of the sludge until after it is over. Well, ever since then, I no longer feel the strong desire to stay with him. It was like the anger went away and was replaced with empowerment. I no longer want to be with a man that would rip my soul out. Anyone else feel this way? I was originally thinking it was a phase, but it is not going away.
Our youngest graduates in May and I have asked for a separation after that. I have held it together this long. I can make it to May for the sake of my children. But honestly, I want a divorce today!

M-24 years
3 amazing kids (22, 20 & 17)

rachelc posted 3/2/2014 18:10 PM


BeyondBreaking posted 3/2/2014 18:29 PM

I sorta get this.

Right after I found out, I quickly said it would take a while, but I would forgive. And I began the steps to moving forward in the relationship.

It's been almost 2 years. There have been secrets I have found about recently- but they happened 2 years ago around d-day. Since then, he has basically been great except for his drinking.

I realized about 9 months ago that I was wrong- I never forgave H, and I don't think I am going to get there. I promised to forgive him, but I don't, and I can't.

You have more strength than me, with an exit strategy. So far, my plan has been sitting still and living an unsatisfying life. Hang in there

shiloe posted 3/2/2014 18:32 PM

I completely understand how you feel.

At least you have the honor and integrity not to cheat first.

Good luck and stay strong.

Freebygrace posted 3/2/2014 18:34 PM

I feel like that too. My WS also did all the "right" things after I found out pretty much, but he has done other things since then that are not nice. And I am just tired of being in a marriage like this.

For the last year, he has been really nice. Maybe he senses that I am about done with him.

I am stuck at the moment because I am a SAHM who home schools the children. We have a big family, so financially it's not a good time. But I am taking midwifery classes, and I'm going to the gym every day, and sometimes twice a day. And I've lost about 40 lbs recently on the trim and healthy mama diet.

I am working on me, and I'm going to get healthy and strong and no one is ever going to treat me like this again.

Are you financially ok?

I think I have detached from him while living with him. I don't think I will feel any pain when I finally get rid of him.

Empowered is such a beautiful word.

mchercheur posted 3/2/2014 19:29 PM

I totally get it.

I am another member of the "class of 2011."
My Dday was in May 2011. I never thought I could take back someone who would gut me like WH did.

I asked WH to leave on Dday, & we were separated for 4+ months,
while he continued contact with OW ( who he still works with.)
I forced myself to go back with him
(once I believed that the A was finished),
to keep the family together for the kids.
I know that I made the right decision for the kids.
A 6 year sacrifice for my kids (who I love more than anything in the world) is nothing.

I still love WH, & our day-to-day relationship is better than it was during the couple of years before Dday.
But, he is not really working that hard in R, & I don't know if the love that I have for him will be enough for me for the rest of my life.

We will have an empty nest in 3 1/2 years.
Then I will re-evaluate.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:12 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

Dreamland posted 3/3/2014 01:15 AM

I too am from the "Class of 2011". This month March 8. I am where many of you are.. I thought I could forgive and move on. I think early on I did but the TT knocked it out. My DD graduates HS this may. I am on the fence and he knows it. We have less and less connection and seems exponential as DDay approaches. He doesn't even see it. If he does he chooses to be silent. Part of his R issues. He's avoids confrontation like the plague. So we continue in this facade of a life until DD gets settled in college then we will see. But again we have his illness. He's going to need a liver transplant soon within a year if his condition worsens. So I can be the total bitch and dump his ass as I'm his only family here. I told him he better tell his mom cuz I'm not going to be able to take time of work. I pay the bills so she can take care if him. He's a mommas boy and she does no wrong and he's the perfect son... Haha. Good one. They don't fall far from the tree.
Anyway I too feel DONE

mchercheur posted 3/3/2014 07:56 AM


He's a mommas boy and she does no wrong and he's the perfect son..

He doesn't even see it. If he does he chooses to be silent. Part of his R issues. He's avoids confrontation like the plague.

Same here.

One thing that I have learned from this site tho is that it can take a really really long time for WS to "get it"----it can be a long process. WH is making slow as molasses progress----our MC keeps telling me to be patient, to look where he started from (head buried deep deep deep in the sand) & how far he has come from there.
I am still hoping for a miracle.

mchercheur posted 3/3/2014 08:04 AM

Blueberry, I was just rereading that you said you hit the anger stage last summer------I think it is just hitting me now, after 2 3/4 years.
Delayed reaction?
Up until now, I felt devasted & sad, but not so much angry at WH------maybe I have always blamed myself a little that he cheated.
I have literally turned myself into a pretzel to try to please him since he moved back home. I guess I have been doing the "pick me" dance.
I am really angry at him now.

shatter-ed posted 3/3/2014 09:23 AM

Yes I do !
I can totally empathize with you, it was at about 3 and a half years out when I realized I will never forgive him despite him having remorse and doing everything he can to rebuild our M. I just don't care about him anymore. I can see that he is trying his hardest now I just don't want to be with someone who had zero respect for me after 24 years together and could treat me like that.
I am staying until our youngest is a few years older then hopefully the older ones will have left home and we will financially be able to separate. We act like a normal family, the kids don't know, day to day life is happy for them and are all growing up in a stable home and doing well. I just really can't imagine being with him the rest of my life anymore?


blueberry posted 3/3/2014 12:20 PM

Thank you everyone.
It seems like most of you that responded are mothers who are trying to keep the family together and keeping your children stable. It requires a lot of strength. Hats off to all of you for putting your children first. Unlike our Wayward spouses, who never even considered them during their affairs. As time goes on, I am finally seeing that his Affair soured our marriage and you can't undo sour milk! Hugs to all and thank you for your support.

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