I often read folks posting here who feel guilty about going through their spouses "stuff," i.e., phone, email, etc. Or I read that a BS says that their cheating or suspected cheating spouse is angry that the BS went through his/her stuff.
Our MC is of the firm belief that, from the get go in a marriage, each spouse should have total access to the other's accounts, devices, etc. Before there is a suggestion or suspicion of cheating.
It's about being accountable for one's actions. How likely are we to talk badly about our spouse, talk about our marriage to another person rather than our spouse, join a dating service, whatever, if we know that our spouse, at any time, can look what we do?
It's about being a team in a marriage. We will be open to one another to build walls around our marriage. We love each other enough to want to protect our marriage. We know that at any time, one of us could be tempted or on a slippery slope. The openness and accountability can help if one of us is ever in that spot. Our marriage is more important that our "privacy." (Secrecy, really.)
Not only that, but what does it say to our spouse that we are willing to give him/her that access from the beginning without fussing about our "privacy?"
I agree with our MC. I was very apologetic after discovering my husband's EA from an email totally by accident. (He was not angry, luckily, even though we handled it badly in so many ways.)
I keep reading that married couples expect to have "privacy" in their life. That's not what marriage is about. Yet they're not talking about privacy: they're talking about secrecy. We care only if our spouse knows what we say/read/write/do if it would bother our spouse.
If my husband can read any of my emails or texts or facebook chats at any time, what harm is there? Honestly, never in nearly 22 years of marriage have I written anything to anyone I would feel weird about him reading. I think he feels the same, except when he didn't. And that was when he was cheating on me. Yet even then, he knew I should and did have access to everything. It's why he immediately bought another cell phone when the affair started.
I also read folks post that they even feel bad for checking AFTER his/her spouse has cheated. The BS doesn't want to be "that person" checking up on the WS. I disagree. Heaven help us if we don't feel free to verify fidelity and veracity after an affair. We shouldn't think, "I should trust my WS and I don't want to check on WS." We should think, "We value our marriage and each other enough to be open with each other."
Just my thoughts today on this. I've read these comments all too many times and I feel it's a misguided approach to marriage and intimacy. The reason we marry is to be open and intimate with our spouse - not to worry that he/she may find out what we're doing via our electronic devices and accounts.
Privacy is not the same as secrecy. By all means, close the bathroom door when you doo-doo, but don't tell me I cannot look at the text messages on your phone when I want.