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pregnant and found out about affair

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twinmom2 posted 3/2/2014 18:43 PM

I am 22 weeks pregnant and have 19 month old twins. I found out 3 weeks ago that he was cheating on me. Right now I am just so hurt and confused I cant think straight. I had a very rough childhood, I was always made to feel that I was never good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough just not enough altogether. I met him when I was 30 and he was the first person in my life to tell me how beautiful smart and special I was. I felt like I had finally found that one person I could trust and who would love me now matter what. now I am just so hurt and confused. I cant eat I cant sleep he swears it was a stupid mistake that he wants to stay with me and his kids but how do I know that's true? I don't know if I can stay with him he hurt me so bad I just need other people that have been through this to talk to.

Truly posted 3/2/2014 18:57 PM

Huge hugs (((((((((twinmom)))))))))

I am so sorry that you had to find us here, but you have entered the best and most supportive club no-one wished to join.

I know it's hard but you must look after yourself and all your babies, they need you to be oh so strong, and you are.

You don't believe you are strong, but you are. You are a mother, that gives you nerves of steel, the courage of a lion and an infinite heart. You can do anything; your WH may be weak and broken but you are not.

This is not your fault, this has been done to you. All his choice, not yours.

Eat well, drink water, exercise and smile (fake it 'til you make it!).

Then breathe, this too shall pass. But you may want to do a few things for you:

*Watch his actions- don't listen to his words, liars lie.
*Do things for you and the children, go places, visit friends etc. See the 180 in the healing library...it's awesome!
*Visit a lawyer and find out the REALITY of your situation whether you intend to D or R.

Breathe again...keep doing that...

Remember you are beautiful, valuable, smart.
You are also kind, capable, resourceful, honest, loyal and faithful. He should be GRATEFUL to be with you as you are truly amazing.

Kia kha
xxx

Mommato5 posted 3/2/2014 19:15 PM

I'm not pregnant but I'm new here too. I can only say that I am sorry. So so sorry.

twinmom2 posted 3/2/2014 19:17 PM

thank you so much for the nice response. As soon as I read it I just started crying.I have been keeping track of his phone records and everything else. He really does seem to want to make it work. It just hurts so bad. I am extremely high risk pregnancy and have already ended up in the hospital twice since I found out.

Truly posted 3/2/2014 19:32 PM


Oh cripes! I didn't mean to make you cry!

It's good that he seems to want to fix this, but he needs to be aware that it's going to take some considerable time and work ON HIS PART.
*His poor choices of actions have led you to this, he needs to fix what's broken. That will mean IC.
*He will need to answer questions with complete honesty, no TT as that does more damage.
*Total transparency regarding phone, email, social media etc.
*Re-engaging boundaries.

It's a long and rocky road to reconciliation, we tend to call it the rollercoaster...welcome to the ride, fellow passenger!

You can do it, look after yourself FIRST, then babies....and then him. See why? Yep, you are of paramount importance here. Do not attempt to nice him back, allow him to see his actions and the hurt they have caused as part of your new reality.

Keep breathing, stress and anxiety are not good for you, practise smiling in the mirror...it may make you smile! Funny that!

Kia kaha
xxx

twinmom2 posted 3/2/2014 19:37 PM

It was just so nice to have someone say such nice things to me right now. I just feel so broken

Truly posted 3/2/2014 19:58 PM

You are going to be ok.

It's hard to believe but it's true.

You are hurt and in incredible pain but you are NOT broken. He is broken.

Still breathing?

...that's good!...

Honestly, it sounds bonkers but breathing deeply and slowly really helps it calms your body's fight or flight responses- heart beating fast, rapid breathing, sweating-...and allows you to think and choose an action. Just one.

xxx

brkn_heartd posted 3/2/2014 20:42 PM

TwinMom2,
I am so sorry you need to be here, but the support is wonderful. First, please remember this is about his brokenness, NOT YOU! You are special, you are beautiful and smart. What he did does not define you.

Secondly, you need to breathe, rest, eat, drink plenty of fluids and take care of yourself. You have little one's counting on you. You cannot control him or his actions. Right now, you can only control you.

His actions will demonstrate if he really wants to R or he is feeding you a line. Remorse is demonstrated slowly...regret can be demonstrated pretty quickly. Regret at being caught. If remorse is shown, he will do everything he can to help you heal. Including all passwords to his computer, phone, etc. He will go out of his way to keep you informed of everything. He will take full responsibility for his actions.

In the meantime, we are here for you.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/2/2014 21:52 PM

His affair was not your fault. There is nothing you did that forced him to sleep with someone else. He made a choice to cheat.

As you are pregnant, you need to do whatever it is you need to do to feel comfortable and safe. If that means you want him out of the house - then tell him. If that means moving back in with your family for a while - then do it.

He does not get a say in this. He lost his "say" when he slept with someone else. If he threatens you in any way - call the police.

When you are safe, you can start thinking about separating or reconciling.

1) Demand a full confession - How many women were there? How long was the affair?
2) Get checked for STDs
3) Go see a lawyer
4) Do not be afraid to contact your loved ones and friends for support

twinmom2 posted 3/3/2014 07:44 AM

It's just so hard right now. I will be doing ok and it will hit me out of nowhere. This really happened. The one person in my life I trusted and loved with my whole heart has betrayed me and our family. I think of all the day's I sat here knowing something was going on and he kept denying it. I think of the day's he'd leave for work and I would sit here crying. He came back in once and said I was crazy nothing was going on. I think of the text I sent telling him I could feel him pulling away and asking what I could do and he would say it was just my pregnancy hormones that he loved me so much. How do you hurt someone you love like this. He said I was the lofe of his life. How do you make the pain stop. That's all I want is for the pain to stop

shiloe posted 3/3/2014 08:07 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting.

I too got to feel that type of searing pain while I was pregnant. I remember calling my doc because I was concerned about my intense anxiety and stress hurting the fetus. She said it would not as long as I ate and kept hydrated.

I know your thoughts are going a mile a minute and the only time you get relief from the pain is during sleep. My heart breaks for you.

Time. Time and WH must step up and help you, with whatever you need from him.

Not just with words.

I hate to ask you, but was the OW married. If so her spouse needs to know what she has been up to.
It is the right thing to do.

Don't worry about that for now, just try to get stabilized and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

twinmom2 posted 3/3/2014 08:21 AM

I know nothing about the other woman other than her phone number. When I first found out I went crazy calling and texting her but she wouldnt answer. I think that is one of the things that drives me crazy. I did a reverse look up on her phone number and all it would say is that she lives in the same area. No name anything. He says he doesn't even know what her last name was. That he has no feelings for her at all but she was getting feelings for him. There is a picture of me and our son's hanging at his work. A picture of me is his screen saver on his phone. She knows who I am but I have no idea who she is. I can barely stand leaving the house. Every woman I see I think is that her.

kalimata posted 3/3/2014 08:22 AM

Twinmom: so sorry you are here. We can help. But we need some more details:

1) What type of evidence do you have on your WH?
2) Do you live in a state where infidelity is grounds for divorce?
3) Was the Affair emotional, physical or both? How long has it been going for?
4) Who is the other woman? Does he work with her? If so is he in a reporting line to her?
5) Has he ever cheated before?
6) What is his primary mode of contact with OW? Cell? Email?

More advice forthcoming after the above are answered. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

NotsureIcan posted 3/3/2014 08:33 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. I know how it feels not to know who "she" is. I'm sending u a private message.

twinmom2 posted 3/3/2014 08:35 AM

I just knew something was going on and checked his phone records. They started talking in January and there were 1600 text messages between them. I confronted him and he admitted it. it took me days to get the whole truth from him. He waited until I was laying in a hospital bed with ivs heart monitors all kinds of machines hooked up to me where they thought I was losing the baby to admit he did sleep with her. We are engaged but haven't married yet. He says it was about feeling needed and wanted that it just felt good to feel needed. The pregnancy has been very hard on me. the first 17 weeks I was sick non stop. I actually still weigh 5lbs less than I did before I was pregnant. He did work with the other woman and when I found out I went crazy. she wouldn't answer my calls or text so I left her a message telling her I didn't care if I had to go to her work she was going to meet me and talk to me and see the family she destroyed. She quit her job and never returned.

norabird posted 3/3/2014 08:44 AM

Whatever happens... you ARE beautiful and smart and special. It's so hard that the person whop made you feel those things has hurt you, but it does not mean that they are untrue.

Also, he is really going to have to tell you who this other woman is, when it started, etc. etc. You can tell him you need a full and complete timeline of what happened in order to trust him again. Unfortunately when people are caught cheating they try to bury the truth, to protect themselves from the fallout. But he needs to be honest.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this situation. You didn't deserve. And you and your beautiful little kids will be okay at the end. |Try and focus on being there for them and on taking care of yourself.

kalimata posted 3/3/2014 09:18 AM

Twinmom:

Since you are not married, your options are limited. Do you know who is OW's husband? If so can you get to him?

Show him some of the proof of what happened. The other option you have is to contact the HR department and tell them your WH and OW had an affair. They will not be pleased. Be careful about this because it might jeopardize any opportunity you have for child support later.

Go see a lawyer and see what your rights are before you do anything else.

lastdance posted 3/3/2014 16:10 PM

honey count your blessings------he said he wanted to feel needed----excuse me???-----he has twins at home-----what about they needing him, THEY NEED HIM------what about his pregnant wife, SHE NEEDS HIM...hello earth to cheater------are you listening-----YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU ------there is no excuse for this guy----like I said count your blessings you are not married-----you can move and take your twins with you----he needs NC----180-----BE STRONG

timeagain posted 3/3/2014 23:03 PM

Hey momma. I'm so sorry you are here. I want to give some advice as someone who also had their D-day while pregnant. First, breathe. And if that Doesn't calm you down grab one of those twins and give a squeeze. Second, sometimes getting through a whole day is too hard. But you can always get through 10 minutes. So when life feels like its weighing on you and you'll never get through this, set that aside and concentrate on the next 10 minutes. Get through that and then work on the next ten. Screw a whole day.

Third, and this one is scary. Go online and find out what your state custody looks like. Figure out what, if any, child support would be. And start the process. If you and your WH stay together you can pretend it doesn't exist. But if you don't you are protected. And if he threatens to leave you, remember its your job to protect those babies. Not give in to his bullying. Of he's serious about R he will get why you are doing this. Hugs. This does get better. I promise. And congrats on your soon to be baby. :)

twinmom2 posted 3/5/2014 18:39 PM

I just feel so sad today. We have been talking and trying to work things out but sometimes the emotions just become to much to handle. I see him with our kids and I think to myself how could he have risked all of this. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

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