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Casual vs love affair

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Mommato5 posted 3/2/2014 19:10 PM

Does the type of affair matter to most BS's?

Casual vs Love

I feel like it is a big difference but I am new to this club!


Truly posted 3/2/2014 19:20 PM

Welcome mommato5...just going to assume you need (((((hugs)))))

They all hurt.
All of them.
The LTAs hurt...lies over years.
ONS hurt because no rhyme or reason
Online hurt because they'd throw their marriage away for a fantasy.
Prostitute use hurts because of the tawdriness and economic waste.
Same sex hurt because the betrayal and denial of self.

Are any of them casual? Not sure about that. Each situation is caused by poor choices made my damaged people.
They all hurt...the variety is just detail.

They ALL hurt exponentially more because of the lies.
More lies=more hurt


Kia kaha

[This message edited by Truly at 7:21 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/2/2014 19:24 PM

Many times people are surprised at how damaging an emotional affair can be. Sometimes they think it's not so bad that it wasn't physical but it is.

I think no matter the type they destroy you inside because it's a betrayal of the one that you were suppose to mean the most to.

Mommato5 posted 3/2/2014 19:30 PM

It wasnt emotional. It was an all out affair but I just found out about the "Love" part. I didnt know that it could hurt more......

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/2/2014 20:18 PM

What matters most is whether or not they are remorseful after their affair becomes known. With remorse, there's a chance for reconciliation. Without remorse....reconciliation isn't an option.

IMO, an emotional A, not yet consummated, would seem to be easier to handle than one that has progressed into the physical realm. But, maybe not.

They're all horrible. I'm surprised any of us survive them, honestly.

norabird posted 3/2/2014 21:32 PM

Sometimes I tell myself 'if only it had only been x or y!'. But realistically I know that is just a strange type of bargaining, and that I'm imagining the grass to be greener where it would not be. It hurts regardless and though it could probably always be worse or better trying to look at it rationally as more or less hurtful than some other combination of behaviors can't ever change the actual facts we have to deal with. They are all different in some ways but share an undercurrent of hurt that ends up being what is the most important aspect.

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/3/2014 04:54 AM

Yes. I think Norabird is right.

It's a little bit like only breaking your toe and not your leg.

BtraydWife posted 3/3/2014 10:38 AM

IMO, an emotional A, not yet consummated, would seem to be easier to handle than one that has progressed into the physical realm. But, maybe not.

When I read that I looked to see if you were a guy.

I've read that typically men have a harder time with the physical part and women with the emotional part.

Norabird is right. It's all a type of bargaining we do in our heads.

william posted 3/3/2014 10:42 AM

they all suck. they are all the most abject of betrayals. they all rip your heart out.
i speak from experience.

my wife was sexting with quite a few guys - nude pics etc.
2 one night stands - one with a guy that was "sort of" a friend of hers, one with a relatively complete stranger.
1 long term PA that turned into a PA and EA.

does it hurt she slept in our car with a ONS? yes
does it hurt she told her LTA that she loved him? yes
does it hurt that she was sexting with guys when i was (clueless) in the same room? yes

does one hurt more than the other? i dont know. i just know they ALL hurt.

bionicgal posted 3/3/2014 11:24 AM

Momma - Head over to Reconciliation and read the thread from this weekend about "If they Thought they loved the OW." I think it will make you feel better. It ain't love, honey.

castellana posted 3/3/2014 12:11 PM

My WH's affair is mostly emotional due to distance, though I guess he could have been sneaky enought ot make the occasional afternoon with her. After all I am a stupid trusting chump. But it is pretty obvious that if she lived closer it would be an intensely physical one. It's obvious from their communication that they are in it for fun, not luuurve.

I have thought about it (female perspective) and had WH had a one night stand while I was working across the country for three months, forgivable. But all the time and affection he pours into his bottom-feeding AP is just pathetic. He has spent more time, affection and effort on six months of the affair than the entire life his own preschool-age daughter. That is what gets me.

wewillmakeit posted 3/3/2014 18:31 PM

I've read that typically men have a harder time with the physical part and women with the emotional part.

The woman who is primarily seeking only sex from an affair seems to be somewhat out of the norm. Typically, if a woman has chosen to become intimate with a man, the emotional bond with that man is already very strong. I think that's why men have such a fear/problem with the physical aspect. They know, deep down, that it means she's very attached to the OM, and very detached from the husband.
Women, OTOH, understand that many men could have sex with a willing OW and yet feel little emotional attachment to her. Conversely, they realize that if a man has made an emotional transition to another woman, irrespective of a physical relationship, it is difficult to repair a relationship with that man.
Two paths - same outcome. Either way, the act of betrayal cuts a deep wound.

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 7:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Daddo posted 3/3/2014 20:13 PM

It doesn't help to compare pain, nor can one person's response tell another how they should feel.

Stillheart posted 3/3/2014 20:24 PM

It all hurts. However for me, the luurve part hurt the most.

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