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Anxiety and uncertainty

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Brandon808 posted 3/2/2014 22:43 PM

Not sure if I'm posting in the right forum or not. Since I'm unsure General seems as good a place as any

I'm feeling the return of anxiety uncertainty yet again. My new job has been really challenging [yeah...we'll go with "challenging"]. Just when I feel like I'm doing well it seems another snag occurs. I feel like I was tossed into the deep end of the pool and begin expected to being swimming laps and catch up with everyone else in the race. It seemed to start after I saw a movie that triggered me a little bit. The other part is something I won't get into right now.

I've been thinking about my life now and what it was like when I was still married to xww. I had an apartment that felt like a home. I realized that I haven't felt that sense of having roots. It was a reminder of how dealbreakers aren't the dealbreakers we thought because that feeling of having real roots in a place, a home, can be a very comforting thing. Even if the home feels broken those roots still ground you. Of course in my own case the extent of my xww's cheating was such that any roots were corrupted beyond repair.

So now I struggle. I miss being with someone I could believe in. I reach out to friends and family when I can but I try to restrain myself because I certainly don't want to be a burden to them. So I guess I'll burden those of you on SI who dared to read this post

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 10:44 PM, March 2nd, 2014 (Sunday)]

StillLivin posted 3/2/2014 22:45 PM


Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 00:53 AM

Thank you StillLivin

FaithFool posted 3/3/2014 01:20 AM

I moved five times in as many years and finally found a sweet rental apartment in an old house that totally feels like home.

Only three other people live here aside from the owners, who live on the main floor.

I feel safe here, with no bad memories.

It takes time and maybe a few moves to get where you'll feel at home with yourself again.

You'll get there.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 01:33 AM

Thanks FaithFool. Funny you should mention moving but I'm trying plan for a move. I think its time and what you said makes sense. I'm hoping this move does half as much for me as yours did for you.

Ostrich80 posted 3/3/2014 03:44 AM

I hope you find a home sweet home soon that gives you the warm and fuxzies. What you said really resonates with me about even when there is chaos and pain, home is still familiar and familiar feels comforting..until it gets too bad. I hope you can plant some roots soon. I always associate home with certain laundry soap, coffee, a candle. Maybe find a really nice smelling candle. I know I'm weird but that's my two cents.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 08:15 AM

Thanks Ostrich80

I've heard that scents have very strong association with memories so that sounds like a really good idea when the time comes to break in a new place.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/3/2014 08:22 AM

Oh, Brandon, I wish I had some wise words for you. You always have such good wisdom to share with us, and I've got nothing wise for you.

I do have hugs (((Brandon))) and sending mojo that your job calms down and that you feel like you have caught up with everyone else swimming laps.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 08:28 AM

Thanks Sister Milkshake. You know what? I think the (((hugs))) are probably more use to me at the moment than words of wisdom. Especially when I'm just trying to get through the next few days.

1owner posted 3/3/2014 08:33 AM

Good luck planning the move! Think of it as getting to establish new and better roots. The warm fuzziness of home is sure to follow.

simplydevastated posted 3/3/2014 08:39 AM

I know how you feel about regarding your job. I felt the same way with my last job. It turns out that it was just my insecurities talking. In the end, my managers, colleagues, and contacts all spoke highly of me and had nothing but praise for the way I handled my job and responsibilities. I was in that job for just over five years and at the end (they outsourced my dept overseas) I still felt that I wasn't doing my job well. This may be the same for you. You may feel overwhelmed and out of place, but in reality, you're doing a fantastic job.

Regarding home... I hope you can find some place that makes you feel safe and secure. I don't have much advice in this department. I just wanted you to know that you've been heard and I understand what you going through, even if it is only a little.


Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 08:44 AM

Thanks simplydevatstated. I hope your right about how my colleagues perceive my job performance. The way things are structured I have a hard time gauging that (since I work from home now). Appreciate the support

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 08:46 AM

Thanks 1owner. Yes, that is the best way to look at it. Just have to keep trying to focus on it that way.

nowiknow23 posted 3/3/2014 08:47 AM

Before you met your XWW, where was home? What made you feel rooted there? Is there anything about that time/place that can help ground you now? Sounds? Smells? Familiar things? Were pets part of your life? Are they now?

simplydevastated posted 3/3/2014 08:49 AM

I'm jealous that you get to work for home. I would love an opportunity like that!

This is just a thought. Maybe you could set up a meeting with your boss in the office and just asking him what he/she feels about your performance and if they see anything that you need to work on. This will show them that you are dedicated to your job and that you want to do the best work you can. It will also show you taking the initiative to correct things now before anything gets too far out of hand. Again, just a thought.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 08:58 AM

Before my xww? I was renting a room. Pretty much nothing made me feel rooted there. I do have a pet now, Jack. I am glad I have him but he doesn't make me feel rooted. He does keep me company, for sure but feeling "rooted"? Not really.

painandgrief posted 3/3/2014 09:02 AM

So now I struggle. I miss being with someone I could believe in.

I completely understand that feeling and share your pain. Sending you support and hugs.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 09:03 AM

working from home has its advantages at time. I hear what your saying about having that meeting with my boss. I considered doing something like that, but I wanted to feel like I had a better handle on things first. The reason for that is many bosses (in my experience) don't want to hear about problems but solutions. If I was experiencing "challenges" I wanted to be able to talk about them in the context of those problems having already been solved (for the most part).

SadInNC posted 3/3/2014 09:09 AM

Hi Brandon. I was supposed to start a new job right after DDay and I had to postpone it because I was such a wreck. I started the job about a month after DDay. I was still a wreck but I couldn't put it off any longer. That was 2 months ago. I am still struggling with the new job, so I understand where you are coming from with that. Anxiety and uncertainty is not a good head space to be in. I want my confidence back! WH infidelity took it away.

You are not alone.

Brandon808 posted 3/3/2014 09:13 AM

Thank you painandgrief.

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