SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ourdream posted 3/2/2014 23:56 PM

We will be 8 years out this summer. That first few years I posted here. I wanted people to know how it could/will be.

I caught my wh in an affair when we were both 32. It was the single most devastating event in my life. I had suspicions, when people say trust your gut-do that. You'll know deep down. he tells me it was a two year affair. I think that's what he admits to. Maybe he is telling the truth. I don't know. The first three years we desperately tried saving our marriage. Lots and lots of counseling. I even made him take a polygraph.

I know that he loves and adores me. I loved him more than words could ever say. He did everything he could to try and make it up to me.

But, I will never believe that I know the full story and I will never, ever trust him again.

About 3 years back we started having infrequent sex until now. We have not had sex in a year. I've been living on a plane of lethal flatness. I feel nothing for him.

My huge huge regret is that I did not leave him then, when I was young. I fear now that I am over 40 that I could never find anyone and will spend my time alone. So I have stayed. Our kids are now almost grown. Hard to believe they were just 10 and 9 when I discovered it.

I loved him so much, wanted to forgive him and I have. But I cannot forget. It eats at me like cancer that he could betray me for two years.

I know everyone wants to hear happy stories this far out, well, this is reality. Good luck with your reconciliations.

Dreamland posted 3/3/2014 00:10 AM

That fucking sucks!!!! Do you think he's cheating again.. Got to tell you that's my biggest fear. Well it was!! Mfwh now is I'll so I don't think he will last 10 years. So I'm fucked which ever way you look at it. Yes I'm callus.. He made me that way!!!
After HB he started to push me away sexually. I knew that he was making his mental excuses but his illness was getting worse and he stopped Viagra. So two years later ..I don't care I can't stand his touch as all I think of is how he touched her deceived and lied to me about sex but was fucking her fine.
I'm done and no sex for me means no connection thus no intimacy no marriage. We are doomed. That's my R so far... :)

karmahappens posted 3/3/2014 00:16 AM

I am sorry the two of you were unable to heal.

It's never too late to create a better reality.

I hope you find happiness.

ourdream posted 3/3/2014 00:21 AM

No, I don't think he's still cheating.

I'm actually a very happy person. I am happy. It just is what it is (and I absolutely hate that phrase, he and the OW both used it on me). We are like best buddies now, instead of husband and wife and lovers.

Dreamland posted 3/3/2014 01:02 AM

Yes I know we were buddies before since he didn't want sex then said he couldn't because of his illness. ...I'm am not happy. I am still bitter I guess. He could have sex but didn't want to with me. I had tried to lose weight and I had after his EA. He wasn't interested in me at all. I then crawled back into my shell and hid. I felt so disgusted with myself so then I focused on our DD and her school sports. But after the A. I was completely destroyed. I missed my daughter championship game yesterday. I am so numb. I can't feel anything. I know he's not cheating but I guess I feel hopeless. He's ill and he could careless about the state he's going to leave us in. Broke and with nothing. I am at a loss. I am on the verve of a nervous breakdown. I am the breadwinner and my insurance is covering his illness. My work has been suffering due to my lack of motivation. I am afraid I will be fired soon so I am looking for a new job that pays more to get me out of debt. I don't know how I'm going to pay for DD college. I have hardly any savings and he doesn't see the mess coming. And I get angry frustrated when he tells me I'm still bringing up the A and how I need for him to know why he cheated yet doesn't see the need for IC or MC but partially because of the cost. The house is a mess and I need help cleaning it. I really am at my wits end. I'm starting to think I worth more dead than alive. my life insurance would be something for DD but I just can't leave her alone. How selfish and stupid. But sometimes I think it. :(( ugh good night SI.
Too miserable for company

lastdance posted 3/3/2014 02:44 AM

do not be afraid to leave-----you are still young and can find anew partner-----don't do the same as did----I stayed 13 years after d day---'I loved him'----that's why I stayed----but even though I really gave it 200%,,,,i could not forget and could not tolerate his touching me---I was miserable,unhappy and very bitter---ic and mc did not help me---church did not either---I finally divorced him----he married the ow a year later----told me he never forgot her,she was the love of his life-----but all of 13 years he was telling me how sorry he was,how much he loved me and how much he wanted to save the marriage---but 6 months before our divorce became final he hooked up with the ow and made her divorce her husband-------I wasted all those years,and I was miserable---------DO NOT WASTE YOUR YOUTH ON SOMEONE WHO ALREADY SHOWED YOU WHO HE REALLY IS

blakesteele posted 3/3/2014 05:57 AM

I am sorry for the suffering you and dreamland are experiencing . My wife and I struggle with intimacy too, but we are growing and changing and I am hopeful we can attain the fully intimately mature relationship together we NOW dream about.

Pre-A, our M was based more on what we didn't want (our parents M's) than what we do want....and that is what motivates our change and growth.

I see time and again many SI women members talk about "if they were young and pretty " they would leave.

Two flaws in this...."young" is relative and "pretty" is subjective.

Caution: to look around to society-at-large to "gain your bearing and direction" is to accept certain failure....to remain lost on the lethal plane of flatness.

40 is younger than 50.....I have seen women in their early 30's profess "if I were only younger, I would D".

My entire married life I have had to have boundaries w other women.....almost all women. I find beauty in most all women. I am a decent looking guy too! I work with a woman in her sixties and a mom-to-be in her early twenties....both beautiful women. At last years Christmas party we sat at a table with a couple in their early 50's.....she was very outgoing, knew and cared and talked about with pride her husbands role within our company. She was one of the most beautiful women in the room that night.... And she would not be judged so by "society".

One time, I thought I was just a man and that is why I had to have boundaries..... Only caring about the many beautiful shapes and sizes a woman comes in, and that is part of it.

But what this 19 months have brought to my attention is that what I am really searching for, and why I need boundaries, is relationship with a woman. I desire that woman to be my wife.

Trust me when I tell you.....I did far to much looking around to judge myself worth. Alls that did for me was keep me from my full potential. To really get somewhere else....look up.

I pray you find your full potential. I don't know anything about your sitch, but do know that our biggest limiting factor in this life is.....ourselves.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:17 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Freebygrace posted 3/3/2014 06:28 AM

I totally understand. I am 13 years out, and I tried to reconcile and forget what happened but it's not working. It doesn't go away and I don't want to live a lifetime of pain. I think leaving in my 40's is my plan. I still have some life in me.

blakesteele posted 3/3/2014 06:33 AM

I am a strong advocate of learning to R. Don't subscribe to societies theory of "life is short, have fun.".

I do subscribe to "life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured".

There is a difference.

The pain of adultery is traumatic in nature...it forced change onto us. We did not choose this trial, but we have choices within it. And those choices are not static, one -time only in nature.

Peace .

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/3/2014 06:42 AM

As someone only 6 months from Dday, I am wondering if you who feel that divorce is the best option believed that your WS was truly remorseful and doing the work to have a more connected and intimate marriage. If yes, is there anything else that he/she could have done to change the way you feel today? Did you feel from the very beginning that this was a deal breaker but try to talk yourself out of it? It is confusing to me what makes the difference between those who move on with their WS and those who move on without their WS. I hope you don't mind my asking these questions….

sisoon posted 3/3/2014 09:10 AM

I fear now that I am over 40 that I could never find anyone and will spend my time alone.

I understand you really have that fear, but I simply can't agree with you.

Your age, advanced though you think it is, has very little to do with whether or not you can change your life.

The first step is figuring out what you want. D? A better R? What do you want to be different about your life? What's keeping you from going for what you want?

Fear that being in your 40s is the end of life can be overcome....

WaryOptimist posted 3/3/2014 10:22 AM

Less than a month from my 8th anti-versary too.

But, I will never believe that I know the full story and I will never, ever trust him again. I loved him so much, wanted to forgive him and I have. But I cannot forget.

This is compounded by an EA (he would deny it) "texting-only" relationship that I broke up 6 weeks ago. The two of us "weren't talking", and he "needed someone to talk to", even though he says it was just very casual conversation with her. Again, I don't believe him, and I don't trust him.

Some days, some stretches of time are fine, maybe even good. And I know he loves me, but our M and my life has been permanently damaged.

IWantDoOver posted 3/3/2014 11:55 AM

Check out the thread titled: Fear vs. Reality

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497843&AP=1

ourdream posted 3/3/2014 13:47 PM

I am happy with things the way they are, sure I wish it were different, but it's not. I do believe he was truly 100% remorseful for what he did. He has tried to fulfill every dream I ever had to make me happy and that works. I have no desire to be poor and struggle. Money is not everything, but it soothes a lot of hurts.

Those who don't know about the affair tell me constantly I am the luckiest woman in the world. I spent several years trying to reconcile. We did it all according to the books and conventional advice. He's done everything.

It is not enough for me. I want it back to where it was before he started the affair. It never can be.

I wasted so much time reconciling that I felt I should just stay. So I have. We have a comfortable relationship. Certainly not ideal.

If you think at all you will never get over this then GET OUT. That's my advice.

hathnofury posted 3/3/2014 14:05 PM

(((ourdream)))

I am so sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I do hope you continue to try to get what you need and deserve, no matter what path that may take.

As for being in your 40s...I tell you what. During my post-infidelity experience, I took off my wedding rings for a few months because I couldn't stand to wear them. Attracting others was the last thing on my mind. Well I can tell you, I got flirted with and outright hit on more in the most mundane of places in those few months than I ever did in any three month period of the entire decade of my twenties. And I certainly didn't go out of my way to dress up or anything. Men are attracted to women who know what they want and how to take care of themselves, at any age. Don't hold back because of that.

karmahappens posted 3/3/2014 14:31 PM

I can only take pieces from what I read here.

This post makes my heart sad.

People choose to "R" for many reasons. It isn't my place to judge why you decide to stay in a marriage where you are missing key elements, but I wish you would see how you are selling yourself and your life short.

If you read in between the parts when you claim to be happy this is what I see.

We have not had sex in a year. I've been living on a plane of lethal flatness. I feel nothing for him.

My huge huge regret is that I did not leave him then, when I was young. I fear now that I am over 40 that I could never find anyone and will spend my time alone.

We are like best buddies now, instead of husband and wife and lovers.

I am happy with things the way they are, sure I wish it were different, but it's not

It is not enough for me. I want it back to where it was before he started the affair. It never can be.

Finally, it is never too late to take your own advice and find a true contentment with your life.

If you think at all you will never get over this then GET OUT. That's my advice.

I would make a plan, see what options you really have. Divorcing doesn't mean you will be destitute. The self-worth and happiness of finding your right path is worth more than any financial status you may believe brings you happiness.

I wish you peace.

ETA: I do not believe you came here today to offer people dispair and sadness with regards to R.

I believe you are here because deep down you are unsettled and hurting.

The hurt can get better, if you treat it right. The pain, doubt and loneliness don't have to be your reality.

Open your mind to the possibilities of a different tomorrow, maybe, just maybe there is something better out there for you. It doesn't have to be a new relationship. Maybe the best relationship for you to explore right now is the one you have with yourself.

Learning to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, recognizing your worth and allowing yourself to have hope for a better future takes healing and time.

You could get there, and you are worth the journey.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

LA44 posted 3/3/2014 14:53 PM

So sorry for your pain ourdream. I have to concur with sisoon though in that your age is not a key factor to making changes. I am almost 46 and my FIL left my MIL and they divorced at 41. She said to me, "I look at you and how young you are and I can't believe I felt so old when I was your age...I could have done so much..."

And in actual fact, at the age of 69, she still can!

From karma....

Maybe the best relationship for you to explore right now is the one you have with yourself.

ourdream posted 3/3/2014 17:18 PM

I think sometimes the key to happiness is accepting what you have and what you've made of it and live life. Do the things that make you happy. As I said, I really am happy in my life. I wish things could be different, but they aren't. We actually have a really good times together. We are always laughing and smiling. It's just different now.

Affairs suck. Maybe there are people who can move on and put this behind them. I grew up in a very unstable and unloving home that was physically and very emotionally abusive. I put all my faith, trust, and love in him. Then he did this. Our marriage counselor told him from day one that it would be years and years for forgiveness (and it may never come) and that I would be the kind to never forget.

He chose to stay and live with that. So did I. She was right.

doggiediva posted 3/3/2014 18:30 PM

Ourdream,

The plains of lethal flatness................................LETHAL is the perfect word for the effect these plains have on a person...

This will eventually get you and take you down in some way......Something will give, it is too difficult to live like this forever..

I am running against the clock myself, Time is about to catch up with me..

I feel myself becoming a tiny shell of my former self..

Before long, I won't give a Sh***t about anything....

I mean ANYTHING..As it is now, I go for days at a time without leaving the house..Some days I don't bother to get dressed..

I am living in an in house separation..I do ENJOY the good moments where I can when I can, in my sons, sister and other family members at our get togethers...

I love my pets, they give me a warmth to come home to that I don't get otherwise (for the moment)...

I do dream and long for my own place, my own space, and the peace that a final divorce settlement will give me..I will no longer have that constant and niggling fear that my WH will steal my financial security from me at any time..

I will have more respect for myself being divorced, living in my own place away from my WH and his stubbornness, lack of remorse for sure..

You can bet I will have the time of my life letting loose and decorating my place , lol...

I am getting my ducks in a row and doing my best to run from the demons of apathy before they catch up with me..

It will be fun to have my sisters and sons help me decorate my place...I will welcome the freedom to entertain my friends without the shame of WH being around..

I am an amateur photographer who has exhibited my work..It is being in this exhibition venue that has gotten me addicted to collecting other people's art work (emerging artists)...

So I can't wait to have my own space, for me and the doggies to enjoy :-)

But unless or until I can get a D and be able to afford my own place after settlement is said and done, I remain in the plains of lethal flatness..

The cause of my lethal plains of flatness? For me it is the gradual loss of my self respect..

It is in your user name what is needed.. DREAMS are those things that shine light into the shadows of apathy / lethal plains of flatness and chase them away..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:32 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

doggiediva posted 3/3/2014 18:40 PM

40 something is young..

We oftentimes find someone when we aren't looking anyway..

I have to take my own advice, lol... Getting out there and doing stuff will help give us the joy in our freedom and aloneness until that somebody does come along..

My mom who was a widow at 60 found new love at 70....
She eventually married him and they enjoyed each other for 10 more years until he passed away..

It is never too late :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:41 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]