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Unagie (original poster member #37091) posted at 8:15 AM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014
I hate when AP pops into my head....HATE it. Today we had to take trash and recycling out. We do it late because we have a nosy landlady that likes to complain. Im standing in the doorway cuddling my dog watching xSO taking out the cardboard and a random thought pops into my head...what if AP saw this right now, this is utterly domestic in every way and how I feel the most content and always has been....ugh how could I have been so fucking stupid!!! I never had thought of him in that capacity, never wanted that with him because I didnt wanted a future with him. Why the fuck is he popping into my head!? Sometimes the thought that he may see me in public keeps me in because the idea od seeing him makes me sick. Thoughts of AP immediately make me queasy and I feel my heart speed up in the anxiety attack way every time. I hate it. Every time it happens I hate myself for it. They are never fond memories just a sudden wtf moment and an immediate sense of dread and my mood goes to crap.NC was easy and I have never in 1.5 years wanted to reach out. I hate that he even comes into my mind in this capacity.
[This message edited by Unagie at 2:16 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]
eleanor2012 ( member #35655) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014
I only wish I felt this way! Sorry, but I am dealing with the exact opposite problem.
I can relate to the part about not wanting to leave the house. I live in fear of running into my AP!
Do you feel like you have forgiven yourself?
Unagie (original poster member #37091) posted at 7:06 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014
No I have not. I am trying but I dont see it happening any time soonn
mrs7 ( new member #42505) posted at 5:32 AM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
I feel the same way, Unagie. You are not alone. I never met the guy I had the OEA with. It's a good thing I never will (NC since DDay and I had no 2nd thoughts ever about talking to him again). If I ever met him I'd be forced to repeatedly throat punch the fucker. I feel sick at the very mention of his name or the thought of him.
I think our brains work like computers in that we "download" info into it. Unfortunately for you and I, those thoughts are in there. I hope you're able to think of AP less and less with the passage of time.
Me -WW - 49
Him -BH -45
DD - 1-21-14
no children together
M - 3 1/2 years, together 7
BrokenButTrying ( member #42111) posted at 9:31 AM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
I suppose it's a bit like the mind movies a BS experiences (although nowhere near as traumatic!)
Awareness that you don't want those thoughts any longer is the first step. Every time you get them, force yourself to think about your BS. A happy memory, an intimate moment, laughing together etc. Push the AP from your mind, don't let them intrude.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:32 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
Madhatters - We have R'd.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
Alyssamd24 ( member #39005) posted at 4:32 PM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
I can relate to this...it happens every so often to me and I hate it. Now is a very t riggery time for me especially cuz this is the month XAP and his bw are going to have their second child.
When it happens I think of my BH and how much I destroyed him. ...and how I am now living a more authentic life:)
Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you.....the thing you think you can't survive....its the thing that makes you better than you used to be.
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