I am so sorry for your pain - it is still so fresh. I am not in a position to advise as I am still learning the ropes of the path to recovery after infidelity - though there are many people on this forum who are wise and willing to help.
I think you are being amazingly strong. You have time to sort through your thoughts before making or receiving any contact with your husband.
There is some great reading in the The Healing Library - however I found it pretty tough reading when it was all so fresh.
Find some IC asap and look after your precious children.
Whatever the outcome you WILL be OK .... so give yourself a chance to think and breathe before you rush into any major decisions.
Best of luck....keep posting.
I believe you did the right thing.
He BROKE the NC boundary - so here are the consequences.
Notice this too:
(I'm not there & I really don't know, but)
Becoming helpless, and lying down in a fetal position, having to be 'helped up and out' seems a bit
I'm guessing that his dramatics are about the consequences to himself (AKA "Regret")
as opposed to:
"Remorse" - which is concerned about the pain he caused you and your DD.
Since regret is remorse's bastard cousin, and often *looks like* remorse - you need to watch and listen closely.
As new BS's - we want to see something, anything too, so often we have a tendency to "settle" for the counterfeit cousin.
Do not try to "fix him" or "nice him" -
LISTEN. (for real remorse)
His affair had nothing to do with you.
It is not your fault in any way, shape, or form.
Keep posting Mandy.
We got your back.
Sprinkles are for winners. Flo from Progressive
It's self serving, selfish, self entitled, self absorbed behavior he's CHOSEN to engage in, just because the universe has been good to him and blessed him with many wonderful things and he was 'bored.' We should all be so blessed.
So his thanks for that good fortune was to run out and get involved with some young thing who supposedly needed saving? Shame on him.
I don't think you're doing yourself any favors rocking this guy while he cries his heart out about his lost love. I'd rock him alright, but it wouldn't quite be in the same way you did.
It's time to toughen up and stop mollycoddling this guy through his disgusting behavior.
He's betrayed you in a very ugly way - TWICE.
STOP 'helping' him. You're not helping, you're enabling.
Slam the damned door SHUT on the guy and cut him off at the knees.
Stop begging, stop crying, stop pleading, stop bargaining.
It's gotten you nowhere but walked on and disrespected.
Read up on the 180 and put it into practice NOW.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:30 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:43 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Is he getting IC (individual counseling)? you could use it too as you try to navigate the awful hand you've been dealt. You should also see a lawyer so you can know your rights and protect yourself and your children.
His behavior is pitiful and I agree with the poster above who said the drinking needs to go.
Take care of yourself.
I held him close while he cried for his loss after he ended it with her.
Wow you instantly allowed him to be the victim here not you. Allowing your HUSBAND to cry to you over losing his girlfriend. You kind of set the pace right there and it's why he acted the way he did.
There has to be complete NC and he already broke that. He's not through with her unfortunately and tried to take it underground. You did the right thing by kicking him out. Show him what it will be like and don't allow him to play victim here. You are the victim in all this, not him. It's been said a lot here...you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage. Show him what it's like to lose it. Whatever you do, do not cry, beg or plead with him to end things with her. It will only cause him to think of you as plan B and drive him away further. Now show him the consequences of his lying.
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:24 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
You don't have to decide today, tomorrow, or the next day whether to give your husband a second chance.
Take your time. Watch his actions. Do they align, consistently and over time, with his words?
The gift of reconciliation must be earned. Too many of us commit to it without even ascertaining whether our spouses really want to reconcile. We assume that, because we do, they do. Many want it only on the most superficial level--they want it only if there is rugsweeping and Insta-forgiveness.
Recovering from infidelity is a long-term project. Whether you reconcile or not, it typically takes 2-5 years. Sometimes, it takes longer.
At this point, with broken NC, you're past the "second chance." He already had that.
Take your time. Let things unfold. Make a decision informed by his ongoing actions.
Yes, you are new...and I am sure that you are reeling. But if you keep reading and posting, you will see exactly how you should handle this.
The first thing...and most important...is to ask yourself---what do YOU want? It seems like you would like to reconcile, but do not feel that you are obligated to do so. Your husband killed the marriage with his affair, and now you have the unenviable task of either leaving it, or attempting to try to help save it. There is no wrong choice, as long as it is what you desire. Do not sell yourself short.
The next step is to hold your husband accountable for his actions.
I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but I've sent him to his sisters and I don't know if I've been to hard on him and he won't come back.
He won't come back because you made him experience a little bit of consequence? If that is the case, then you have NOTHING to work with. It is going to get a lot worse for him before it gets better, so you need to tell him...point blank...that he is either "all in", or "all out". There is no in between.
Then watch his actions, not his words.
And by actions, like jjct stated, I don't mean being melodramatic on the floor. I mean productive actions---like a No Contact letter being sent(or re-sent), changing his phone number so she can't contact him, arranging for counseling(without your insistence), and so on.
He created this disaster; now he can go fix it.
And guess what? You are giving him the gift at an ATTEMPT at reconciliation. There is no guarantee that it will work. But the fact that you are willing to even try with him---he should be eternally grateful. If he isn't, then he is not a person that you should continue in marriage with.
Again, please don't sell yourself short.
Keep reading. Keep posting. You will get through this.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
As others have said, you did the right thing by kicking him out. He has to have consequences for his behavior.
I just want to touch on a few things here.
When I found out he said he'd hoped I would because he was trying to break it off with her for a while. He says he feels sorry for her as she was physically abused by her babies father and her mam has kidney failure.
It is very common for the wayward spouse to say they hoped their spouse would find out because they have been trying to break it off for a while. Is it true? It could be, but more likely it's that he was caught and it is a way to do damage control and make him look like a victim.
The affair partner seems to frequently have an abusive husband/boyfriend/fiance, etc. Most of the time it's not true and it's just HIS (your husband's) excuse or story as to why he got involved with her, or HER story to him to seduce him. Even if it's true that she's abused and her mom has medical problems, that's not a reason to have sex with her! If he wants to play knight in shining armor he can direct her to an abused women's shelter, not to his bed!
You want to reconcile. You can't. First he has to totally break contact with the other woman. And of course that's difficult. She's human too. But you can't have a three-way marriage. One of you has to go. You want to reconcile, she has to go.
And I mean totally break contact. Not just play. He's lied about it before and he's likely to lie about it again. If he can convince you that he's broken contact, then perhaps you'll leave him alone and the two of them can steal some time together.
The only way to fight this is to gather some weapons. And the major weapon you have is divorce. It would be like hitting him upside his head with a 2x4.
What you have to do right away is find a lawyer. Get advice on your legal situation and the laws in your state (I'm assuming you are in the US). Then talk to the lawyer about filing for divorce.
You do NOT have to do that right now, but you need to keep it available as a weapon.
My guess, rotten as it may be, is that your husband is in torment right now. If he'd really decided to give up the other woman he'd NOT be in torment. He'd be on your side actively working to regain your trust. But he's not, at least not yet.
He wants time to figure out what he wants to do? Don't give it to him. If he takes it, file for divorce. You KNOW what he'll do with his time.
I know that this is not what you want to hear. But he has to know what his real options are. Right now what he wants is a return to the previous status where you and he were married and he had a "friend" on the outside and everyone was happy. You don't want that. So I repeat, you have to show him that you have weapons also.
I wish you the best and hope that it all works out for you.
Your husband seems to be very fond of telling you what he is 'going to do'. How is he on actually 'doing'?
Get your boundaries down. If you want to R, then NC with the OW is mandatory. No sneaking calls in the toilet, no "oops, it was a mistake". He knew it was wrong, or he wouldn't have hid it. That is a calculated act, not a mistake.
I wouldn't give him free access to the home either. That will only promote cake eating. He'll get his happy little family and he'll get OW on the side. That sounds win-win for him.
Show him what his future without you is going to be like unless he make the changes he needs to make.
Stop giving him so much credit, too. I understand its hard. We are conditioned to make excuses for our husbands and wives - especially when they are behaving badly towards us and we don't want to believe it. But know this, everything he has been doing has been his choice. No one forced him.
Get angry. Create some boundaries and let him know what it will take to get you back.