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NotsureIcan posted 3/3/2014 08:25 AM

So I'm at 16 months past d-day. My WH had an affair for 2 months with a patient of his. I don't feel he loved her, I think he loved the way she was enamored with him. Said he felt horrible guilt,didn't want me to find out and kept going back in fear she would ruin him.
Ok I get that part. The part I don't get is that he said the sex wasn't good. I know that's a lie. I don't see how that is possible. My full story is on my profile but PLEASE someone, a wayward that has really felt this help me understand. I have a hard time accepting this as truth.

BW me-45

D-day 11/6/12
OW broke nc 7-26-13 we called her back together!

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/3/2014 08:28 AM

Not a wayward, but I feel exactly as you do; how was the sex "vanilla and awkward?" What happened to the secrecy and passion of the newness, etc? Interested in WS reponses as well, in the meantime, (NotsureIcan).

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 8:28 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

sunnyrain posted 3/3/2014 08:37 AM

FWS here. I don't understand what difference it makes whether the A sex was good or not? Personally, I have had enough conversations with other WS to know that not all A sex is good sex.

Even if the sex was good at some point, it's possible that just thinking about it now turns your H's stomach, and that horrible is the honest answer in the moment. Let it be horrible.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/3/2014 08:38 AM

My FWH said the sex was passionate. Gee, thanks for being honest.

I do believe for some in affairs that the sex really isn't that great. How do we know what is true? We don't. Does it make a difference to me if the sex was good or bad? Probably not, because whether it was good or bad, he still fucked OW for 4 years.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/3/2014 08:42 AM

Hi, WW here.

I can relate to your WH's A. Mine was of a similar time frame, only a month long PA but then the EA continued by text and phone calls for a further three months because I was afraid of the consequences of going NC with the OM. Every time I tried, the OM would try to kill himself or become very angry, threatening me and my children. I was terrified and behaved in a cowardly manner, keeping it a secret from my BH and then finally confessing everything so I could involve the police and get the OM to leave me alone.

For me, my A was never about sex. I wasn't even physically attracted to the OM. It was my bargaining tool. I enjoyed the attention he lavished upon me, it made me feel better and kept me from looking at how broken I was. I needed that attention to continue so I traded sex to get it.

The actual PA itself was nothing spectacular, it was what I had to do to get the attention I was craving. I cried myself to sleep every time and got trapped in a cycle of using the OM to make me feel better again. There was no passion, no feeling on my part. I was awkward and self conscious, I felt dirty - and not in a good way.

Men and women think and feel very differently about sex though. Maybe you need to hear from a WH?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:43 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

sisoon posted 3/3/2014 08:45 AM

IMO, newness is over-rated. I'd hate to have to go through the initial stages of a sexual relationship again, but that could be just me.

I think it's pretty common for the WS to claim the sex wasn't very good. I can understand and accept that's true for at least some WSes.

But here's the thing - I don't know how you can tell for certain if the WS is telling the truth. IMO, there's no way to know for sure.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 08:45 AM

Unfortunately, I think your husband might be telling you this to spare your feelings. I'm sorry. But, it is just the nature of the beast. The excitement, the fear of getting caught, the newness after so long - it is almost impossible to compete with. The good news is that nothing beats having sex with someone you really love :)

Good luck to you.

olwen posted 3/3/2014 08:55 AM

My fwh has always insisted he hated the sex. It was a one off so I believe him even. It was all about the attention for him.

I don't know about your h but I do believe it's possible.

We have all had bad sex with new partners so why shouldn't that be the case in affairs too? All the build up and then the reality falls short. Or like my husband says it was the price he paid for having an ea. I have heard this said on here before. She wanted it and he was too scared to refuse in case she spilled the beans so he took the easy route and did it but didn't enjoy it at all.

Even if my fwh has lied and did enjoy it, which I sincerely doubt, I have reached the point where I wouldn't want to know. Like sunnyrain said, let it be horrible. It's bad enough he did it.

Also, imo, if you're single and meet someone you really like and you get to know each other in real life and not in affair world, then yeah most likely the sex will be good. BUT how many times do you hear it said that the AP could have been anyone? Not a special connection then, not even someone you might choose in real life, just whoever was available and willing. Not very romantic, not very exciting if it's just a case of they're supplying the attention and they're just 'good enough'.

It sometimes seems to me, after reading so many stories on here that ws can have affairs with people that are just passable in their eyes. A bit like the 2am hook up in a club cos you haven't found someone better!

I believe many affairs are about filling a need and not always about the sex, although of course many are. It can go either way. Lots of people seem to say it was about the attention, the ego boost, the thrill of the chase, rather than the end result.

I know many will disagree with me but these are just my thoughts. Of course all affairs are different, I am just saying I believe it's possible.

[This message edited by olwen at 8:59 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

sunnyrain posted 3/3/2014 08:59 AM

Wanted to add the following: I don't like to discuss or think about my own A sex. While I considered it to be playful at the time, there is nothing fond or pleasant about those memories today. Sure, I could bring the memories out into the light and shine a spotlight for all to see, but why? Nothing good can come from the memories because there was never any good in the memories.

bionicgal posted 3/3/2014 09:00 AM

I think the more accurate view is that it really doesn't matter. But, there are also varying meanings of "good."

My H initially said the affair sex was better than our sex life pre-dday, because his AP made him feel desired, and he hadn't felt that way in a while from me. (For various reasons, but that is another story.) Anyway, as our intimacy has deepened since dday, and our sex life has consequently deepened, he says there is simply no comparison. That the sex with her was about performance, and ego, and that it is just not the same as being with someone you really love. And, eventually, he apologized for saying it was ever in any way better -- it was just a poor imitation of what sex should be - that it was empty.

So, while it is unlikely that sex with the AP was drudgery, people are right when they tell you that the affair was not really about the sex. It is about validation, and often escape. My H didn't keep going back b/c she was particularly good in the sack, he went back because he was trying to improperly fill a hole in himself-- partly based on personal reasons, and partly based on something we were missing at that time.

But I think it will help you if you realize he likely wasn't in it for the sex, necessarily.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:03 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

NotsureIcan posted 3/3/2014 10:51 AM

Thank you for the responses. Of course he has said it wasn't about her, she was definitely nothing to look at twice. She just happened to throw the bait out, he liked the attention,it was an escape from our problems. But sex with us was always really good even when we didn't like each other very much.
My point is, if he tells me it wasn't emotional and it wasn't about the sex it just seems even MORE fucked up than I thought BUT my reason for asking is not because it's about SEX it's about wanting the WHOLE truth!!! My WH is a peacekeeper, I think he says it was no good because he thinks it would hurt me more. When in fact, as long as it's the truth, just give it to me!!

NotsureIcan posted 3/3/2014 18:50 PM

@sunnyrain thank you for the insight. The things you said are a lot like what WH has told me. And, no it really doesn't matter
what the sex was or wasn't. I just want the truth. Then I still have to decide whether or not I can do this. Still not sure.

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