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Some background:

I had an affair that lasted 2 1/2 years. My husband never found out. I ended it, which was the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. That was 4 years ago. I have made progress in my marriage - in fact I would say we are probably happier now than we have ever been.

But I just cannot forget about my AP. I still, after all of this time, think about him every day, multiple times a day. That has caused me to break no contact several times over these past 4 years (purely platonic). I just recently went NC again, and this time it is permanent, on both sides. I feel so sad and devastated, and I just don't know how I am ever going to get over him, and be happy again. After 4 years, will it ever happen?

I appreciate any advice. :(

Hi Eleanor,

What are your feelings for the AP? Do you miss him? Still feel you love him?

What work are you doing on yourself? There is a void in you and you are clinging onto the AP because you hope he can fill it. He can't. You need to fill it yourself by going to IC and working on whatever it is you need to in order to fix what is broken.

You cannot heal if you refuse to do the work. All you will end up doing is repeating past behaviours.

The 'fog' is common, I'm sure more WS will be along who know more about it and will be able to offer more advice.

I have been in couples counseling and IC. I am trying to determine what the AP gives to me, but so far, after years, I can't really come up with an answer. I have read books, etc, trying to get past this and move on. I feel like I do the work, and nothing is working.

After all this time, I am almost resigned to believing that I truly loved this man, and nothing I do is going to change it. That scares me half to death because the thought of living this way for the rest of my life is unbearable.

I miss him. I still love him. We were wonderful together :(

Hi eleanor,
The reason you miss him so bad is because you never had to see how much damage your affair will cause.
You never had to face consequences for what you did and still do.

You never had to see the pain in your husband's eyes from the betrayal.

You get to keep all those warm fuzzy feelings of the affair and your AP. You get to keep seeing him as the romantic Don Juan that told you all the wonderful things you liked to hear.

In reality..this man is someone who helped you destroy your marriage. This is the man that has you living in guilt and fear of being found out. This is the man you took time from your husband and children to be with for 2 1/2 years.
4 years later he is still robbing your family of your time because he is your personal secret.

You know what will help you?

Stop living this lie and start being honest.
You honestly think you can keep this all in?

It's killing you even now and you know it.
People will say that confessing is only alleviating guilt...that's true it does.
It also let's a person know what kind of marriage they are in.
If you sit him down and say " I have something to tell you"
If he says I don't want to know, then that's your out.
Right now you are making his decisions for him, most of it is out of fear of what will happen to you.

The lie of not wanting to hurt him is your justification for saving yourself.
You knew without a shadow of a doubt that you having an affair would hurt him.
Your affair is still ongoing because you live it in your mind. We cannot help what shoots into our minds, but we can take action to not let them govern our life. Coming to SI was a huge brave step. It shows you want to do something about it. I will tell you that how you are doing it now will cause you to lose your marriage in the long run.

Those things we try to hold on to with secrecy and lies we eventually lose.
This is only my opinion and I could be wrong about all of this..I really hope I am. I'm just speaking from my own experience and what I have learned along the way

[This message edited by floridaredman at 10:18 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]