The reason you miss him so bad is because you never had to see how much damage your affair will cause.
You never had to face consequences for what you did and still do.
You never had to see the pain in your husband's eyes from the betrayal.
You get to keep all those warm fuzzy feelings of the affair and your AP. You get to keep seeing him as the romantic Don Juan that told you all the wonderful things you liked to hear.
In reality..this man is someone who helped you destroy your marriage. This is the man that has you living in guilt and fear of being found out. This is the man you took time from your husband and children to be with for 2 1/2 years.
4 years later he is still robbing your family of your time because he is your personal secret.
You know what will help you?
Stop living this lie and start being honest.
You honestly think you can keep this all in?
It's killing you even now and you know it.
People will say that confessing is only alleviating guilt...that's true it does.
It also let's a person know what kind of marriage they are in.
If you sit him down and say " I have something to tell you"
If he says I don't want to know, then that's your out.
Right now you are making his decisions for him, most of it is out of fear of what will happen to you.
The lie of not wanting to hurt him is your justification for saving yourself.
You knew without a shadow of a doubt that you having an affair would hurt him.
Your affair is still ongoing because you live it in your mind. We cannot help what shoots into our minds, but we can take action to not let them govern our life. Coming to SI was a huge brave step. It shows you want to do something about it. I will tell you that how you are doing it now will cause you to lose your marriage in the long run.
Those things we try to hold on to with secrecy and lies we eventually lose.
This is only my opinion and I could be wrong about all of this..I really hope I am. I'm just speaking from my own experience and what I have learned along the way