"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 09:39 AM

Sick inside is what I am and how I feel.

I have been "lurking" on SI for the last 4 months - since DDay#1. Yesterday was DDay#2 and I can't be a lurker anymore. I need help.

If my chronology of events is confusing and jumps around, I apologize.

BS and I have been married just short of 20 years. I have had two affairs since being married - one back in the late 90's and the other just ended in October. Both OW were "friends" of my BS. Both were LTAs.

The first affair was back early in our marriage. When I look back on that time, I can find a million excuses for doing what I did, but I know now that none of them hold an ounce of water. They were all justifications for my broken and destructive and despicable behavior. That affair ended in 1999 and although we never had a "Dday" about the affair, my BS knew something was up because the OW asked her if she could have me! BS also found a mix tape of lovey dovey songs in my car that the OW had made me. I actually thought all these years that BS had pieced it all together and simply figured that as long as it was over she didn't want the details. I see now that I was wrong and I made that my justification for not confessing. I should mention also that this affair went on while my BS was pregnant with our first born. Yes I am that disgusting.

Fast forward a dozen years. In that time, our marriage had its ups and downs. We both have high stress jobs that demand our time and energy. Truthfully, it was more good than bad though. We found work stability, settled into a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and were blessed with an unexpected daughter after years of trying with no success.

Then I did it again. Again with a neighbor and a friend. This affair lasted 2 years until BS caught me. This truly was a DDay. In those first hours after discovery, I confessed about OW#1 to OW#2. Within that first day I knew I wanted and needed to save my marriage and that the affair was over. The turning point was when BS told me she loved me and wanted to work it out. My eyes were opened to all the pain I caused and I will never forget the destroyed look on my wife's face. My Type A self stayed up all night reading (on here and other sites) and I immediately broke it off and went no-contact. I promised to do everything to fix us. I started IC and am more than wiling to do MC (thusfar BS has not wanted to). I have approached her with the possibility of a marriage workshop/retreat/weekend. I have apologized and feel true remorse. I have worked and worked on myself and am getting to issues regarding my need for affirmation and my broken self. In the initial couple of weeks I did a lot of TT but since then did my best to answer questions.

The last four months have actually been amazing. We reconnected in a stronger way than ever. On Valentine's Day, I made a nice family meal and gave her a letter telling her how thankful I am for her saving our marriage, saving our family, saving me. She then handed me a card that said simply and powerfully "I forgive you" - and I wept in her arms.

The one thing I didn't do was tell the whole truth about affair #1.

Early after DDay, BS asked me about OW#1 and what really happened. It was then that I realized she had NOT pieced it all together and that she didn't know it was a full blown sexual affair. And I lied. I told her it was just kissing and an emotional affair.

Many times over the last 4 months I have wished to be able to tell her. But I am a coward. I convinced myself it was "ancient history" blah blah blah.

Last weekend BS made a surprise visit to OW#2 (the recent affair). OW#2 couldn't have been crueler to her. They had been close friends. She didn't let her in the door, didn't apologize (said she had already - meaning a 6 word text message), and just said she didn't want to talk about it and had "moved on." She also dropped hints about my first affair. This led to more questions that night (last week) to me from BS about that old affair. And I lied again.

But I couldn't keep it up. Since then I have not been able to look BS in the eye. We went to a play where infidelity was the big theme (didn't know that before) and that night she said she was going to want some answers regarding OW#1.

I couldn't lie anymore. I finally realized and truly felt what has been said on this forum so many times - SHE DESERVES THE TRUTH. Even if it meant the end of us, she deserves to make that decision - not me. Yesterday afternoon I confessed. And it destroyed her all over again.

She yelled at me, punched and kicked me, threw things at me. She was going to leave but ended up staying (I am again in the spare room). She told me I was a piece of shit and a monster. I agreed. I am.

I truly am trying to get better - to be better. I have been going to IC since DDay#1, doing lots of reading, and talking to BS about my thoughts. Four months ago I was not the person who could have told her about OW#1. Yesterday I knew I had to.

I know I might lose her forever. I know I don't deserve her. I am sick inside with grief and remorse.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 10:15 AM

I am so conflicted reading this. I struggle with telling my BS or not about my affair. This makes me so happy that I did not. Why cause anyone that much pain, especially since I have stopped and our marriage is repairing itself?

Also, I always wondered what my AP would do if there was a DDay. He always said that he would tell his wife he was in love with me. But I never believed him. I think 99.9% of men do what you did - dump the OW and never talk to her again. Did the OW mean anything to you? How could you have been with her so long if she meant nothing to you??? I assume I meant nothing to my AP. That actually helps me.

I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for your wife's pain. Everything is out in the open now, but I think it is the long term deception that she will not be able to get over. It probably seems like her whole marriage was a lie.

Hang in there. I hear many stories of couples in places like yours who survive.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/3/2014 10:25 AM

Hi Monster,

Welcome to SI. You have displayed a huge amount of courage over the last few days, full disclosure to your BW and your first post here. Well done, you are now on the right path.

You are doing all the right things, keep going. Be careful not to fall into the self loathing trap, you have done horrible things but don't let them define you. What matters most now is how you deal with the consequences of your actions. Be there for your wife.

Sending strength.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 10:35 AM

Eleanor -

Thank you for your response. I am too new at this to offer advice to you on whether or not you should tell your husband. For me, I finally realized that the secret wasn't mine to keep - that my wife deserved to know in trying to figure out if she should be with me. Selfishly, I also felt that any reconciliation would be false and tainted with ongoing (even though long past) deception.

Did the OW mean anything to you? How could you have been with her so long if she meant nothing to you???

During the affair, I thought it was love, but I now know it was not. It was my selfish needs. Looking at that relationship now, I realize that it was two horribly broken people using each other to escape confronting themselves and their own brokenness.

Even if my marriage crumbles, I know that the OW is forever gone from my life. I never want to see her again and am horrified about how cruel she has been to my wife.

Thank you for your words of encouragement about possibly making it through this and surviving as a couple. I am trying to let go of that and simply do whatever it takes to help my wife heal. If that means being the best husband I can be I will be humbled and honored to have that chance. If it means being the best ex-husband I can be then that is the road that I will take.

It is hard though.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 10:40 AM

Broken -

Thank you. It is hard not to self-loathe today. Truly hard. My wife has called me a monster and my 16 year old son won't look at me and wants to beat me up.

I know that these actions don't define me. That I am more than my affairs. I know that I have good in me and that I can be better and that I can be fixed and that life is overall a very good thing.

It's just really hard to feel it today.

But again, I need to stop the pity train. As bad as I feel today, my BS feels worse. I will do whatever she needs me to do.

I am trying every minute to stop being the coward I have been.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 10:51 AM

Monster62:

I don't understand, I wish I could. I don't understand how a man could be with someone for that long and have it not mean anything. That is just devastating to me.

My husband would be completely destroyed if he found out. I know FOR A FACT that he would never be able to move past it, and that we would get divorced. Our children would suffer. How can I tell him about something that happened four years ago that would cause so much pain and destruction to the people that I love most in the world?

Yes, I will have to carry this with me. But that is my burden and I deserve it.

As far as my husband deserving to know, I might have a little bit of a different perspective. My husband could have easily found out during the affair if he wanted to. We were having major problems. But he didn't want to know. And I'm certainly not telling him now.

You sound like you are truly remorseful, and that you are a caring man. Try to forgive yourself. Just give your wife time :)

turtle72 posted 3/3/2014 11:10 AM

I don't mean to t/j, but two things...

Eleanor is my favorite name and the name of my baby girl (now almost 12!) Don't know if that is your real name but just sayin.

but I think it is the long term deception that she will not be able to get over.

Eleanor - To tell or not to tell is your choice. But 90% of the time these things do get found out. It might be 25+ years later as other members here can attest, but they come out. I became aware of an EA but a week later the OW sent an email that detailed a whole lot more - but it was written in a way that did not spell out it was physical. WH confessed to it being a PA immediately and that is the only reason I am considering reconciling. He could have gas lighted the crap out of me, but didn't. Respecting me enough to tell me the truth at that moment is what I fall back on when it gets tough.

So Monster, it will be a rough road ahead. We had one week between dday #1 and dday #2 and I admit my focus when I am upset is on that week and the lies. You have four months for her to sift through. But when I am looking for a light in a dark room I think about how he told me the painful truth when he didn't have to stop covering his ass. It is a small thing, but it is a thing I hold on to.

Lovedyoumore posted 3/3/2014 11:26 AM

You do realize your wife is devastated right now because of your TT and lies, not so much about the A. If you had put all the truth out on the first DDay she would have had the same time to recover with the real truth. You let her start recovery without the whole truth. She made an uniformed decision to start R with you. THAT is why she is pulling back now. You let her think she had all of the information she needed to make a choice. Your decision to withhold the complete story has sent her further back than DDay and now she knows you did not start R with a firm foundation. It was the lies, not the facts that has you in this place.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 11:28 AM

Turtle -

Thank you for responding. Yes she has 4 months to sift through. In some ways a false reconciliation - but we truly have been connecting more than almost ever before. In fact it is the beauty and healing I have experienced in the last four months that prompted me to come clean.

I fear she will look back on the time since DDay #1 as false and deceitful. In a very large way she would be correct. But it was also a time of hard work, amazing conversations, and incredible emotional intimacy.

With all respect to Eleanor, I was like her - I felt I should "protect us" from my dirty little secret and oh-so-nobly bear the burden for the two of us. What I was really doing was depriving her of the information and truth she needed to make the right decision for herself.

Herself.

Not me.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 11:40 AM

I understand what people are saying on here. So you think I should disclose this, four years later, and destroy my family? My now happy family? That I should do that to my innocent children?

My IC is in complete agreement with me, and she is very respected in her field. (I am lucky to live in a major city with great resources.) We have discussed this at length, and she believes disclosing is a self-destructive act.

I respect everyone's opinion on here. I see your point. But I don't think there is only one answer.

floridaredman posted 3/3/2014 11:50 AM

My IC is in complete agreement with me, and she is very respected in her field. (I am lucky to live in a major city with great resources.) We have discussed this at length, and she believes disclosing is a self-destructive act.

Eleanor,
Has your IC ever experienced infidelity?

7yrsflushed posted 3/3/2014 11:57 AM

I understand what people are saying on here. So you think I should disclose this, four years later, and destroy my family? My now happy family? That I should do that to my innocent children?

The following is just my 2 cents as a BH whose STBXWW took away my choice to make decisions about my life. You already destroyed your family, they just don't know it yet. It's absolutely your decision but when/if your BH finds out don't be surprised at his reaction. You have essentially stolen the last 4 years of his life and however many additional years you don't tell as well. You actively chose adn continue to take away his ability to make decisions about his life for purely selfish reaons. YOU don't want to blow up YOUR life. You blew your families life up when you had the A. They just don't know it yet.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 3/3/2014 12:10 PM

It is hard not to self-loathe today. Truly hard. My wife has called me a monster and my 16 year old son won't look at me and wants to beat me up.

I think for the first...6 months or so...a hearty dose of guilty feelings is not so bad. Self-loathing is probably never productive, I mean, if you're a worthless monster then you might as well keep acting like one, right?

IMO punching and kicking is never acceptable, though, and *even women* shouldn't get a pass on that. Ever. If that happens again you might consider removing yourself from the situation until she calms down. For both your sakes. Yelling, name-calling...if she needs to vent her anger out at you, that is actually good. One of my favorite responses to verbal attacks (and even if it's valid & understandable, it's an attack) is, "Ouch." Then follow up with, "Even though it hurts when you call me a piece of shit, I can hear the hurt in your words. It's so hard to face the pain I caused you, and I'm so afraid of losing you, especially because I know it'd be my fault. I'll do anything you need, though, including standing here while you yell and swear at me and vent it all out."

That's obviously pretty eloquent to come up with on the spot. But you get the idea.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 12:37 PM

I agree that hitting is never acceptable. At that moment she was enraged beyond belief. It is certainly not a habit. She has only done this twice (both DDays). First time was a couple of hard shots to my shoulder. This time was quite a bit more.

I doubt it will happen again but I agree if it does I should remove myself from the room.

Hosea posted 3/3/2014 13:57 PM

Monster62:

Man, this is so sad to see. Your contrition seems so genuine. I wish this confession could've happened under better circumstances. But man, I hope you do everything you possibly can to save this! (And I hope she lets you try.)

As a Betrayed, I do believe strongly that it's better that your wife know the truth. It sucks that it came out this way, and you will have to work so much the harder to reestablish trust and demonstrate to your wife that genuine change has taken place in your own heart. I hope so much that this is true, and if so, that your wife will have the superhuman grace to extend forgiveness to you.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to TRULY CHANGE TO BECOME A BETTER MAN.

Some Waywards move heaven and earth to SHOW that they can do it, yet don't really fully confront their need to become a better spouse than they were. Such Waywards deceive their vulnerable Betrayeds with an onslaught of uncharacteristically generous, unselfish gestures-- and yet remain, in their hearts much as they were before. They are thus more likely to stray again, after "Reconcilation" leads to a stabilized marriage.

Please don't let this be you, if your wife gives you another chance. You seem sincere, and I hope you are, but there would nothing crueler than letting your current heightened sense of guilt not produce the growth within you that truly endures.

Except, maybe, had you never been caught at all. Kept it all secret. Decided you'd carry the "heavy burden" of your "guilt" yourself, so as not to "cause so much pain and destruction to the people that I love most in the world..." (...for today, anyway.)

Good luck, Monster62. I'm rooting for your change, and your marriage's Reconciliation.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 14:01 PM

Lovedyoumore: I absolutely realize that this pain is from my TT and lies. It is also about that first affair (despicable - my wife was pregnant and working full time) and how early it was in our marriage (just 2 1/2 years).

Honestly when I review what I have done in my head I KNOW there is no chance for us. I have destroyed what could have been an amazing marriage and family.

As I get help, go to more IC, do more reading, and get mentally healthier, the horror of what I did becomes more and more acute. While in the affairs I had actually convinced myself that my wife wouldn't even care.

Now I know she cares so much that I have destroyed her and crushed her spirit.

Someone once described Hell as a place where you truly feel all the wrongs and hurt you have committed. Hell is real.

Monster62 posted 3/3/2014 14:10 PM

Hosea:

Thank you for the kind thoughts.

I am glad I got caught back in October. I like to believe that I would have ended it eventually but I can't even convince myself of that anymore.

Getting caught was the worst feeling in the world, but the only way I could ever start to get right with my wife, my family, and the world.

I hate that I had the affairs. I hate that person who could do that. But I'm glad I got caught.

peoplepleaser posted 3/3/2014 16:03 PM

As a BS who carries the nagging feeling that there is more, I applaud your courage and ability to share. It does not protect us to keep any information, it just causes more pain and feelings of lies and deceit. I wish my WS would do that.

Whether she can move forward with the information you shared or not, you shower tremendous respect and commitment to the relationship by voluntarily coming forward and revealing the rest. You demonstrated that you want toove forward with her alongside you without anything coming between you going forward. If she gives you another chance she can do it knowing you trusted her having the full truth, that you wanted to make sure no one had any more information or power over you, her or the relationship. I'm guessing that it will also help you to be more connected with her in the relationship without the fear of discovery later.

I'm not condoning or overlooking your behavior with the As, rather recognizing your strength, courage and commitment to relationship by allowing it to get to the depth of the pain to try and rebuild. I wish my WS would do the same.

[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 4:41 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Long Gone posted 3/3/2014 16:28 PM

Monster....

Im a BS....and a man.....and I stand up...and applaud you for the courage it took to do what you did.

Everything is now out on the table and you have a chance to live a clean and unfettered life going forward. Never doubt for a second what you did was wrong in any way.....

Kudos and a fist bump