Sick inside is what I am and how I feel.
I have been "lurking" on SI for the last 4 months - since DDay#1. Yesterday was DDay#2 and I can't be a lurker anymore. I need help.
If my chronology of events is confusing and jumps around, I apologize.
BS and I have been married just short of 20 years. I have had two affairs since being married - one back in the late 90's and the other just ended in October. Both OW were "friends" of my BS. Both were LTAs.
The first affair was back early in our marriage. When I look back on that time, I can find a million excuses for doing what I did, but I know now that none of them hold an ounce of water. They were all justifications for my broken and destructive and despicable behavior. That affair ended in 1999 and although we never had a "Dday" about the affair, my BS knew something was up because the OW asked her if she could have me! BS also found a mix tape of lovey dovey songs in my car that the OW had made me. I actually thought all these years that BS had pieced it all together and simply figured that as long as it was over she didn't want the details. I see now that I was wrong and I made that my justification for not confessing. I should mention also that this affair went on while my BS was pregnant with our first born. Yes I am that disgusting.
Fast forward a dozen years. In that time, our marriage had its ups and downs. We both have high stress jobs that demand our time and energy. Truthfully, it was more good than bad though. We found work stability, settled into a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and were blessed with an unexpected daughter after years of trying with no success.
Then I did it again. Again with a neighbor and a friend. This affair lasted 2 years until BS caught me. This truly was a DDay. In those first hours after discovery, I confessed about OW#1 to OW#2. Within that first day I knew I wanted and needed to save my marriage and that the affair was over. The turning point was when BS told me she loved me and wanted to work it out. My eyes were opened to all the pain I caused and I will never forget the destroyed look on my wife's face. My Type A self stayed up all night reading (on here and other sites) and I immediately broke it off and went no-contact. I promised to do everything to fix us. I started IC and am more than wiling to do MC (thusfar BS has not wanted to). I have approached her with the possibility of a marriage workshop/retreat/weekend. I have apologized and feel true remorse. I have worked and worked on myself and am getting to issues regarding my need for affirmation and my broken self. In the initial couple of weeks I did a lot of TT but since then did my best to answer questions.
The last four months have actually been amazing. We reconnected in a stronger way than ever. On Valentine's Day, I made a nice family meal and gave her a letter telling her how thankful I am for her saving our marriage, saving our family, saving me. She then handed me a card that said simply and powerfully "I forgive you" - and I wept in her arms.
The one thing I didn't do was tell the whole truth about affair #1.
Early after DDay, BS asked me about OW#1 and what really happened. It was then that I realized she had NOT pieced it all together and that she didn't know it was a full blown sexual affair. And I lied. I told her it was just kissing and an emotional affair.
Many times over the last 4 months I have wished to be able to tell her. But I am a coward. I convinced myself it was "ancient history" blah blah blah.
Last weekend BS made a surprise visit to OW#2 (the recent affair). OW#2 couldn't have been crueler to her. They had been close friends. She didn't let her in the door, didn't apologize (said she had already - meaning a 6 word text message), and just said she didn't want to talk about it and had "moved on." She also dropped hints about my first affair. This led to more questions that night (last week) to me from BS about that old affair. And I lied again.
But I couldn't keep it up. Since then I have not been able to look BS in the eye. We went to a play where infidelity was the big theme (didn't know that before) and that night she said she was going to want some answers regarding OW#1.
I couldn't lie anymore. I finally realized and truly felt what has been said on this forum so many times - SHE DESERVES THE TRUTH. Even if it meant the end of us, she deserves to make that decision - not me. Yesterday afternoon I confessed. And it destroyed her all over again.
She yelled at me, punched and kicked me, threw things at me. She was going to leave but ended up staying (I am again in the spare room). She told me I was a piece of shit and a monster. I agreed. I am.
I truly am trying to get better - to be better. I have been going to IC since DDay#1, doing lots of reading, and talking to BS about my thoughts. Four months ago I was not the person who could have told her about OW#1. Yesterday I knew I had to.
I know I might lose her forever. I know I don't deserve her. I am sick inside with grief and remorse.