Could your H talk to a few family members or friends and apologize for his poor choices? That would give him a chance to explain how messed up he was and how grateful he is that you gave him another chance. I'm guessing word will spread. If that isn't a message your H believes he can honestly deliver, that's a whole other issue and you need to address it in MC/IC and consider if R is appropriate for your marriage.
Don't forget, though, that the friends' opinions of your marriage may not be exactly what you think it is. Is it possible you're projecting your fears into their thoughts? Your H was acting like a jerk during the A and most intelligent people can recognize a jerk when they see one.
So, is that it? I just need to learn to live my life in this role. The old naggy wife that my WH is stuck with for the good of the kids?
[This message edited by Morhurt at 11:27 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]
What they say really doesn't matter. Do not give them permission to dictate how you feel.
I would have to wonder where your husband is here. If people are actually actively discussing and saying things about you and your marriage, why is he not standing beside you and walking away from the negativity?
I'm noticing that everyone that knows about the A (WH's family and close friends) have the idea that WH does not love me and is in a bad marriage and it's only a matter of time before we're done.
Have you ever googled the work of Byron Katie? To summarize, ask yourself 4 questions:
1 Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2 Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or no.)
3 How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4 Who would you be without the thought?
A trigger for me to step back and work through these 4 steps are thoughts containing Black and White thinking: Everyone, Always, Never, Should, etc.
I don't even know where to begin!
Get into IC.
Start to carve out time for you. I know you say you don't have time, but you can find it.
Remove the things that do not make a difference right now, that can go unattended.
Ask for help. A friend to drive the kids to a or b. Your husband can be responsible for dinner on Monday and Thursday.
You can delegate jobs around the house.
Get the IC going and start to find yourself again. You will never have a happy, fulfiling marriage if you do not know who you are and what you want.
Screw the opinions of those that don't matter...really. At the end of the day your life is about you first...start to live that way.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:23 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]
You are obviously bright and smart and deserve to be in an environment that supports you. You may have to find a way to create that yourself.