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Surrounded by people that assume WH doesn't love me.

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naivewife posted 3/3/2014 10:20 AM

And this is bothering the hell out of me. Now that we're nearing one year past d-day and the dust is settling, I'm noticing that everyone that knows about the A (WH's family and close friends) have the idea that WH does not love me and is in a bad marriage and it's only a matter of time before we're done. We all know this is the stereotype of cheating - the poor cheaters are just stuck in a loveless marriage and couldn't help but fall in love with their soulmates. And then if it ends it's because the poor cheaters are noble people and decide to do the respectable thing and return to their families with broken hearts - to live their life in misery.
So, is that it? I just need to learn to live my life in this role. The old naggy wife that my WH is stuck with for the good of the kids? I don't like this role.

PeaceLove187 posted 3/3/2014 10:56 AM

Does your H believe the A was your fault? That your marriage was loveless? If so, then Reconciliation may not be the forum for you. If he has taken responsibility and is truly remorseful, then I completely understand how you would want family and friends to know that. Heck, it still bugs the crap out of me that my H's main AP believes I did something to cause the A.

Could your H talk to a few family members or friends and apologize for his poor choices? That would give him a chance to explain how messed up he was and how grateful he is that you gave him another chance. I'm guessing word will spread. If that isn't a message your H believes he can honestly deliver, that's a whole other issue and you need to address it in MC/IC and consider if R is appropriate for your marriage.

Don't forget, though, that the friends' opinions of your marriage may not be exactly what you think it is. Is it possible you're projecting your fears into their thoughts? Your H was acting like a jerk during the A and most intelligent people can recognize a jerk when they see one.

Morhurt posted 3/3/2014 11:26 AM

So, is that it? I just need to learn to live my life in this role. The old naggy wife that my WH is stuck with for the good of the kids?
Ya, that would upset me too... do these people voice that or are you assuming? Does your H behave like that is the truth? In my opinion he should be showing everyone with his actions (and maybe words) how much you mean to him, how special you are and how lucky he feels that you've given him the gift of R.
He broke this, it's his job to help fix it. But I also think you need to try to let go of how you think others feel about your M. Who cares? If you and H are working hard and loving each other etc, what difference does it make what these people think?


[This message edited by Morhurt at 11:27 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]

JanaGreen posted 3/3/2014 12:06 PM

The people who know about my H's infidelity have told me to my face that he was acting like an idiot and that he's lucky to have me/ that they're glad we're staying together. Maybe they're saying something else behind my back, but I choose to take their words at face value. If they believe that you're the naggy-wife and he's some noble hero, then they are straight up fools. ((HUGS)) to you naivewife. I hate that you're feeling down about this.

karmahappens posted 3/3/2014 13:34 PM

People who do not support you and your M do not deserve to be in your life.

What they say really doesn't matter. Do not give them permission to dictate how you feel.

I would have to wonder where your husband is here. If people are actually actively discussing and saying things about you and your marriage, why is he not standing beside you and walking away from the negativity?

naivewife posted 3/3/2014 14:12 PM

Thank you so much everyone. Sometimes I feel like the worst SI member. I ask these desperate emotional questions and then disappear. It is difficult to see so many here with similar, or more recent d-days progressing so much further than I am. Part of my anger is quite literally that WH did this at the time that he did - like he could have consulted with me first and we could have planned for him to cheat on me once the kids are in school. I have never been so overwhelmingly without a minute to stop and think in my entire life, I honestly don't feel like I have the time one needs to heal. Like I just have to drag my broken betrayed ass around day in and day out, trying to keep my head above water.
Anyway, enough self-pity. As for my situation, it's dawning on me that I have so much work to do with this. I don't know quite how I can do it, with life being what it is right now, but essentially, I've lost myself. I have completely attached my value to WH, his family, his family's friends, and his friends. It was never a good situation, and now, with his A in the mix, it just feels incredibly "toxic" (I hate using that word as it was the exact word OW liked to use about me and our children.) And the sick part is, all of these people that I am allowing to make me feel like dirt? I don't even really respect them! Trust me, WH didn't run to the most respectable people in his life to tell them about his adultery - he told his serial OW sister, his philanderer friend at work, his best friend from childhood who has never been in a relationship with anyone but himself, and his parents whom undoubtedly struggled with the conundrum of whether to be disappointed in him for doing what he did, or bragging on FaceBook that their son fucked a doctor. Yet, I walk around ashamed and in misery because of what these people think.
I don't even know where to begin!

IWantDoOver posted 3/3/2014 15:18 PM

I'm noticing that everyone that knows about the A (WH's family and close friends) have the idea that WH does not love me and is in a bad marriage and it's only a matter of time before we're done.

Have you ever googled the work of Byron Katie? To summarize, ask yourself 4 questions:

1 Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)

2 Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or no.)

3 How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4 Who would you be without the thought?

A trigger for me to step back and work through these 4 steps are thoughts containing Black and White thinking: Everyone, Always, Never, Should, etc.

karmahappens posted 3/3/2014 15:23 PM

I don't even know where to begin!

Get into IC.

Start to carve out time for you. I know you say you don't have time, but you can find it.

Remove the things that do not make a difference right now, that can go unattended.

Ask for help. A friend to drive the kids to a or b. Your husband can be responsible for dinner on Monday and Thursday.

You can delegate jobs around the house.

Get the IC going and start to find yourself again. You will never have a happy, fulfiling marriage if you do not know who you are and what you want.

Screw the opinions of those that don't matter...really. At the end of the day your life is about you first...start to live that way.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:23 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Rebreather posted 3/3/2014 15:28 PM

NA, listen to karma as she offers you some solid steps. It could be that you have become very codependent and you can work on that as well.

You are obviously bright and smart and deserve to be in an environment that supports you. You may have to find a way to create that yourself.

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