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reallysad2012 posted 3/3/2014 11:49 AM

I just need to "talk" again. I am not in IC right now and have no one IRL to talk things over with, which is my choice but is still hard sometimes.

I have been doing pretty well lately. I would say R is going well. I have taken a lot of pressure off myself and even though I would like to "be over it", I know it won't be as soon as I would like. I just keep working on me and working on the M. H is pretty satisfied with our M as it is, but is willing work on anything I ask. He does worry that I am setting expectations too high. I don't necessarily disagree with that assessment, which worries me a little. I have felt that I need something brilliantly good to balance out the brilliantly bad. What will be good enough for me? It is pretty good right now, quite good actually, so I get why he feels satisfied. What more do I want? I can't even define it.

Kind of rambling but I had to put it out here. It is what I would like to say to a friend who knows what is going on in my life, except I don't have any of those.

peoplepleaser posted 3/3/2014 12:08 PM

Me too! I feel the need for something over the too to feel special again. WS is doing some things, but the level of discomfort and anxiety and energy put into the EAs makes me feel the need to have her show me the same level of intensity in a grand gesture. Something out of her comfort zone. Something spectacular. People say to recognize the WS as they are and not to expect things out of character, but I think the EAs were out of character. I someone else (even if I see it as WS doing it for her instead of APs) gets that kind of attention with that much energy, then shouldn't I deserve that or more in an effort to "win me back" or make me feel like the priority? Is that selfish or unrealistic? I want a flash mob, or a cruise or a public profession of love, or a whole day planned for me or something totally unexpected, romantic and grand. Am I crazy?

Thanks for the post. It totally hit home.

neverdidithink posted 3/3/2014 12:28 PM

Me three!

Have you shared how you feel with WS? We were talking through this at one point and I was trying to explain that "something" was missing, but I coudn't identify or articulate what. As the conversation progressd I felt better and realized I just need to talk about this more.

I'm not interested in rehasing the A details, but I really need WH to bring up the subject once in a while so I know he understands I'm still struggling with so much. He told me it's always on his mind, but he's afraid to say anything - especially when things are good - for fear of hurting me yet again.

He is trying to bring things up in a more positive way now: "I'm grateful for a second chance" "thank you for believing in me", etc. and I think it's helping both of us.

Jls0320 posted 3/3/2014 12:49 PM

Yes! I can't figure out what I need from him but something is missing. I was asking questions last night about his indiscretions and realized he disconnects when I bring it up, no comfort nothing from him so I need to discuss it tonight. I think my "something" is more affection

jjsr posted 3/3/2014 13:04 PM

One of the things I have learned and continue to learn to is to take a step back and really look at his ways to show you what you need to see. What it looks like in your mind may not be the way he is showing you, so you have to take a step back to see. I am a year further out then you and it just takes to be able to take that step back to see. KWIM?

IWantDoOver posted 3/3/2014 13:42 PM

What more do I want? I can't even define it.

A good starting point for communication about (often differing) wants and needs is the "Five Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman.

Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts

It's about the little, daily things ... not Grand Gestures.

reallysad2012 posted 3/3/2014 18:43 PM

Thank you all for responding. It has helped me today. I still feel out of touch with my own needs, but that is something I am working on.

I agree with those who say the little things matter more than the grand gesture, but I also understand why the thought of a grand gesture is so alluring. I have the daily little things and am grateful for them. The grand gesture? I think he wants to make one but doesn't know what to do.

I did buy the Five Love Languages and read it so fast I am not sure how much of it stayed in my brain. I do know I am Words of Affirmation and now H knows it, too, so he makes an effort on that front.

I need to be less serious! (now completely going away from any theme that was in this post)
I just thought of that because he is always joking around and I am just too literal, too serious, too "show me what study backs up those facts". I thought of it because I think me being Words of Affirmation also means I am sensitive to words that are not affirming, which some of his jokes are. He isn't being mean to me when he jokes but I just take it that way because I can't stand anyone laughing at me. How can I learn to be less serious, more relaxed?

neverdidithink posted 3/3/2014 20:08 PM

reallysad2012, grand gestures are good too! About 6 months after dday, WH booked a surprise weekend away. Romantic inn for dinner, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace. We were having a really lovely time and enjoying a glass of wine in front of the fire when he got down on one knee and "proposed."

He apologized, he told me he will spend forever being the husband I deserve, the husband he should have been all along, he asked me to be his wife. When I accepted his proposal, he slipped a new wedding ring on my hand.

Every time I look down at my hand, I see a reminder of our new beginning and have such hope for our future together.

reallysad2012 posted 3/3/2014 20:36 PM

neverdidithink...that grand gesture sounds lovely and is actually along the lines of what my H is someday going to do. I know it because I told him about 3-4 days after Dday that I wanted him to propose to me again. He liked the idea but said he was going to wait until he thought I was really ready for it. He doesn't think I am yet and I think he might be right. I am going to be patient and let him do this his way. He can come up with some good stuff sometimes.

neverdidithink posted 3/3/2014 20:50 PM

Really sad, it's interesting that you guys are questioning whether or not you're ready. My WH waited because he wasn't ready. He felt as though he had a lot of work to do before he deserved any commitment from me. I knew immediately that I was willing to work through this with him if I saw the commitment and I'm thrilled to say he shows me he's all in with his words and his actions. (And a little bling!)

reallysad2012 posted 3/3/2014 21:48 PM

it's interesting that you guys are questioning whether or not you're ready

It has to do with the fact that I/we want to feel more settled in the healing process. It isn't that I doubt our R. I hate to use the words but I want to feel more "over it" before we do this. He was ready from DDay since his A had ended 10 years before he told me about it. His fear was that I would leave but he knew without doubt he wanted to be with me. I give him credit for realizing that it would be a good idea to wait on proposing again when I first suggested it only a few days after DDay.

FixYou71 posted 3/3/2014 21:56 PM

I'm not interested in rehasing the A details, but I really need WH to bring up the subject once in a while so I know he understands I'm still struggling with so much. He told me it's always on his mind, but he's afraid to say anything - especially when things are good - for fear of hurting me yet again.

Totally feel this way too. Alot.

And I completely agree to the grand gestures idea. I too wish to have his feelings displayed in some way that is not normally him. I guess I want to see that I affect him in a big way and want him to want to court me. We just had some communication on this. I usually look up things to do for dates or weekends. I have more time for sure) but wish he would do the thinking and planning. It would make me feel special.

ItsaClimb posted 3/3/2014 23:50 PM

I had that same feeling for a long time after D-Day. And then my fWH finally really, really "got it". I had a bad .... breakdown.... for want of a better word. I think fWH got a real fright that day and realised how severe what he had done was, and he realised that he truly faced losing me and after that his whole attitude changed. From then on I could see that he was DESPERATE for R. He was willing to do anything, move mountains, to make things right. It was at that point that things clicked into place for me and I no longer felt that I had that "hole in my heart" that I was waiting for him to fill.

I think I needed to see that my husband wanted R way more than I did, that he was desperate for our marriage to be solid, that he was willing to do anything - big things and small things - to make us work. I can see that now, every single day, in a million ways. It makes it SO much easier for me to take that step towards him and to be vulnerable.

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/4/2014 21:56 PM

I think that you really want the whole affair thing to go away, which is understandable. We all know that's not going to happen, ever.
I can relate to what you are feeling down inside right now and hopefully things will get better with time.
Understand that everyone on here are there with you for someone to talk to, so you as never alone.
Wishing the best for you.

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