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castellana posted 3/3/2014 12:41 PM

I am planning the day I confront WH. He doesn't know that I know. Assuming he's not planning to move in with his bottom-feeding whore part time casual girlfriend, is it best to cut off sex with him?

I have to admit that since DDay we've still been fairly intimate. I know what he's getting out of it (cake) and for my part it's physically enjoyable but really messes with my head because I've never been one to cry afterwards and now I sob into a pillow while he snores. But maybe it is some sort of "pick me" problem on my part and I need to quit.

BtraydWife posted 3/3/2014 12:48 PM

Stop having sex with him now! You need to get STD tests done. Don't have sex with him again until you see with your own eyes, STD test results for him. Obviously that won't happen prior to dday. Don't waver on this. Many people have contracted diseases from their spouse's AP. Please don't assume you are fine.

norabird posted 3/3/2014 12:52 PM

Cutting off intimacy should be part of the 180. I think you can and should practice that before confrontation also--as in, now.

Believe me, I get the confusion of the physical desire mixed with the emotional pain. The pleasure you're getting from the former does not make up for the hurt of the latter.

Some couples do go through HB (hysterical bonding) but if he's still in an affair you're only shooting yourself in the foot each time.

Time to put the metaphorical gun down.

Hosea posted 3/3/2014 13:12 PM


I agree with BtraydWife and Norabird. You need to stop having sex with him, even if you enjoy it and it meets a need. You have a greater need than physical release; personal dignity. Protect it!

When you confront him, and you tell him how long you've known, he will know you knew and yet slept with him anyway. This is a tacit endorsement on your part of his behavior, feeding his already wildly inflated Affair Ego. You need to do the opposite. Inflate YOUR ego, and deflate his. Not having sex with a two-timer is only part of that- the 180 is your playbook for the rest.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/3/2014 13:30 PM

Your husband has a work 'girlfriend' that he IMs and chats with all the time (but he minimizes the chat box when you get too close the screen to read it), takes her out to lunch and dinner, calls her by 'pet names' and recently, you found a book he'd hidden in his car about how to sexually please a woman.

You're making every single mistake in the book and eventually, you'll see what I'm talking about.

You're not going to gain any favor with him by letting him treat you like a welcome mat, Castellana. Unfortunatey, I think that's something you'll eventually have to learn yourself when your plan to 'nice' him back doesn't work the way you'd hoped.

Hell, maybe I should go out and find someone to cheat with - having my boyfriend go overboard by indulging me in everything I ever wanted because he's afraid of losing me and trying to win me back would be fabulous. I mean, who WOULDN'T ride that gravy train as long as they could?

And that's what your husband is doing.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:34 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/3/2014 13:51 PM

I agree with all the points about dignity, etc. but the bottom line comes down to health.

She's sleeping with a married man, she's got outstanding morals. Do you really think he's the only one she's slept with? Do the thing they taught in school. You've now slept with everyone that she's slept with and everyone those people slept with, etc. It should disgust you. Stop the exposure and get tested.

What will R be like if you contract herpes, or HPV and develop cervical cancer from his whore? There are many more. How will that affect your life going forward?

You need to make sure you are healthy. ((castellana))

Skan posted 3/3/2014 14:26 PM

Yes, I have to agree that you need to close the bakery to him. One, you (and he) need to be checked for STD/HIV you need the complete panel done and to be re-checked at about 6 months out for HIV. Even if he swears that he wore a condom every time. Because condoms don't protect against everything, if they had oral sex and/or kissed, that's a way of transmission too, and frankly, liars lie. You cannot trust him to be truthful about your health. Before you have sex with him again, you need to see the doctor's official results of him being clean or you need to hear it from the doctor's lips. You cannot trust him to tell you the truth because again, liars lie.

Frankly, as long as he's in any contact with the OW, I would suggest not having sex with him. Remorse was my bottom line demand before I would be sexually intimate with my FWH again. And trust me, we went through some incredible HB! But that would never have occurred had I had the slightest thought that he was in contact with anyone else. And even with that, I cried. A lot. Before, during, and after sex.

Be strong. We got your back. (((hugs)))

lastdance posted 3/3/2014 15:16 PM

please,please do not go near him----this is your life we are talking about------if your stupid husband does not care if you die or not----does not mean you agree -----you need to look out for yourself,since he does not care about you or your safety-----why are you going to confront him----you already know----surprise him with a legal separation or divorce papers -that will shock him and let him know you are not taking any lying anymore------be strong,and think about this confrontation---you already know the truth---now it is all about you---------he is not going to respect you knowing you knew and still you had sex with him-----you are sending mixed signals here-----telling him its ok for him to cheat and still be with you,,,,you are accepting his betrayal

castellana posted 3/3/2014 17:19 PM

When you confront him, and you tell him how long you've known, he will know you knew and yet slept with him anyway.

You all are 100% correct. Thank you all. Ever since this all started I need to be regularly whacked in the head with a clue stick. A huge part of me is in such disbelief -- what kind of loser trades his wife and kids for an affair?

BtraydWife posted 3/3/2014 17:36 PM

A man who is hiding from his issues instead of facing them. He needs some help.

It's a lot to take in at once- how much this has and could affect your life. (((castellana))

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