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New Beginnings :
Unfinished business

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 need_hope (original poster member #23989) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

I never got my say. And that bothers me.

When we were going through false R and then in-house separation, I kept everything to myself because I didn’t want to reveal my source and lose my access to new data.

When he moved out and the divorce process continued….and dragged….and continued….and dragged, I didn’t say anything because – well, I kept telling myself I was saving the information in case things went to court but the real reason is – I was afraid. Of him.

Now, I’m living my life. I’m free. But I have this nagging annoyance that is just hanging around. And it’s stinking up the place. I bag it up like the garbage it is and try to throw it out but it keeps sneaking back in and interrupting my otherwise peaceful life. It nags at me. It has been interrupting my sleep. It gnaws at me. And it is weighing me down, weighing down my new beginning.

I never got my say. I never got my day to say everything I felt, everything I found out, every lie I uncovered. And I’m debating taking that day, taking that moment. There are things I need to say (or write) to him. I need to pack up all the mental garbage and put it where it truly belongs – in his hands.

I don’t care what he does with it. I really don't. I’m not looking for a response from him. I don’t want to start any ongoing communication. I’m not expecting him to have an epiphany or change his lifestyle or…anything. It doesn't matter what he does with it because it’s not for him. But it needs to be to him.

I think of it almost like my version of a Victim Impact Statement.

Does anybody else feel like this?

Me - happily engaged to a wonderful man
XWS - no longer matters


Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Don't fuck with me, I fuck back.

posts: 1999   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2009   ·   location: East Coast
id 6708628
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 8:18 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

I think it's pretty common, honey.

Would it help you to have your say here? Write the letter/speech/statement and post it here?

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6708685
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 8:31 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

I felt that way for a little while. Now, I don't care so much. I figure I got my say when I had him served. I found out so much more after that, but I wrote it all down in a list of Red flags that I should have left his ass for.

After writing it down, I felt better. Don't care anymore about having any say with him. He is dirty, he is despicable, and so is his whore. When I realize I am so much better than them and that talking to him would be like talking to a wall, I just don't feel the baggage anymore.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6243   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6708710
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 need_hope (original poster member #23989) posted at 8:43 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

I thought about just posting it here NIK. But SI wasn't who I was afraid of. SI wasn't the reason I wrote my "in case I disappear" letters.

I think that there may be a part of me that needs to take that stand, that needs to plant my feet and square my shoulders and say:

I see you.

I know who and what you are.

I won't ever let fear stop me again.

Me - happily engaged to a wonderful man
XWS - no longer matters


Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Don't fuck with me, I fuck back.

posts: 1999   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2009   ·   location: East Coast
id 6708722
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 need_hope (original poster member #23989) posted at 8:44 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Thanks StillLivin. I hate the thought of breaking NC because NC is my friend. But this unfinished business is just....lingering.

Me - happily engaged to a wonderful man
XWS - no longer matters


Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Don't fuck with me, I fuck back.

posts: 1999   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2009   ·   location: East Coast
id 6708723
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justabrokendream ( member #3075) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Not sure if the feeling you get if you break NC and tell him will be what you are looking for.

I vote for continued NC.....

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2004   ·   location: CA
id 6708753
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TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 11:49 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

I don't know your story, but if you were to the point of writing "in case I disappear" letters, I think this is one bear you don't want to poke.

There's a difference between "I won't ever let fear stop me again." and saying "Neener, neener, neener" to a bully.

I got out most of my pent-up stuff to my IC and my journal. And SI.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

posts: 5942   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
id 6708997
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exhausted lady ( member #30217) posted at 1:15 AM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Oh honey! If you truly were afraid of him....please listen to your gut and stay NC. Poking that bear just might bring his craziness back into your life, and not in a good way.

NC, NC, NC!!!

The very best way to have the "final say" with a total asshole is to ignore them. For life.

Write it down, post it here......keep it in a journal....read it to a therapist.....whatever you need to do. But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him - now enforce it!

Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr

posts: 3171   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2010   ·   location: Colorado
id 6709105
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InnerLight ( member #19946) posted at 5:21 AM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him

I know it can feel unsatisfying to not have the real frank talk after you were holding so much in for so long. But if you communicate with him it opens a door that you don't want open.

I vote for doing what I did once with a few girlfriends: putting on a play in your living room and invite your stuffies to be the audience, and other ones to take the part of the players in your old drama including your X. You write the script and you get to say your piece. I found this very satisfying.

BS, 64 yearsD-day 6-2-08D after 20 years together
The journey from Armageddon to Amazing Life happens one step at a time. Don't ever give up!

posts: 6688   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2008   ·   location: Rural California
id 6709335
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 need_hope (original poster member #23989) posted at 12:26 PM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Thanks everyone. I know that NC is probably the way to go. It's just frustrating to still be quiet, to still feel like I HAVE TO be quiet - almost like he is still controlling the agenda. I think that's why it bugs me so much.

But, I also know that if I were entirely sure that breaking NC was the way to go, I would have done it already and simply posted the results here. The fact that I felt the need to run it past my SI family first....well, that tells me a lot.

Me - happily engaged to a wonderful man
XWS - no longer matters


Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Don't fuck with me, I fuck back.

posts: 1999   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2009   ·   location: East Coast
id 6709478
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 10:04 PM on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

The great thing is you really don't have to be silent anymore. But you don't have to necessarily voice it to him. By you finally seeing who he really is, he gave you a new voice. For evermore you will look at the next person who tries to lure you into abuse and use that voice to scream "Don't even try it pal!"

posts: 1736   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 6710298
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peacelovetea ( member #26071) posted at 2:54 AM on Wednesday, March 5th, 2014

You can also reframe the way you think about that silence. Its not that he is forcing you to be quiet -- it is that you are CHOOSING not to let him into your world. That is a huge difference, and I hope you can see and feel it in yourself.

BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

posts: 542   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: PacNW
id 6710650
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 3:26 AM on Wednesday, March 5th, 2014

Just realize that saying that to him and trying to make him understand would be like trying to teach an elephant to drive a car. If he were capable of understanding, he wouldn't have cheated.

If you were to break NC, you wouldn't be able to reach him with what you'd say -- you'd just be reinforcing things in his mind, like:

1. You still want him

2. You are batshit crazy

3. He's so amazing!

4. Ego kibbles!!!

It's so hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a normal, empathetic person.

Saying nothing is what really will let him know that you've seen through him.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6710684
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