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Unfinished business

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need_hope posted 3/3/2014 13:52 PM

I never got my say. And that bothers me.

When we were going through false R and then in-house separation, I kept everything to myself because I didnít want to reveal my source and lose my access to new data.

When he moved out and the divorce process continuedÖ.and draggedÖ.and continuedÖ.and dragged, I didnít say anything because Ė well, I kept telling myself I was saving the information in case things went to court but the real reason is Ė I was afraid. Of him.

Now, Iím living my life. Iím free. But I have this nagging annoyance that is just hanging around. And itís stinking up the place. I bag it up like the garbage it is and try to throw it out but it keeps sneaking back in and interrupting my otherwise peaceful life. It nags at me. It has been interrupting my sleep. It gnaws at me. And it is weighing me down, weighing down my new beginning.

I never got my say. I never got my day to say everything I felt, everything I found out, every lie I uncovered. And Iím debating taking that day, taking that moment. There are things I need to say (or write) to him. I need to pack up all the mental garbage and put it where it truly belongs Ė in his hands.

I donít care what he does with it. I really don't. Iím not looking for a response from him. I donít want to start any ongoing communication. Iím not expecting him to have an epiphany or change his lifestyle orÖanything. It doesn't matter what he does with it because itís not for him. But it needs to be to him.

I think of it almost like my version of a Victim Impact Statement.

Does anybody else feel like this?

nowiknow23 posted 3/3/2014 14:18 PM

I think it's pretty common, honey.

Would it help you to have your say here? Write the letter/speech/statement and post it here?

StillLivin posted 3/3/2014 14:31 PM

I felt that way for a little while. Now, I don't care so much. I figure I got my say when I had him served. I found out so much more after that, but I wrote it all down in a list of Red flags that I should have left his ass for.
After writing it down, I felt better. Don't care anymore about having any say with him. He is dirty, he is despicable, and so is his whore. When I realize I am so much better than them and that talking to him would be like talking to a wall, I just don't feel the baggage anymore.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

need_hope posted 3/3/2014 14:43 PM

I thought about just posting it here NIK. But SI wasn't who I was afraid of. SI wasn't the reason I wrote my "in case I disappear" letters.

I think that there may be a part of me that needs to take that stand, that needs to plant my feet and square my shoulders and say:

I see you.
I know who and what you are.
I won't ever let fear stop me again.

need_hope posted 3/3/2014 14:44 PM

Thanks StillLivin. I hate the thought of breaking NC because NC is my friend. But this unfinished business is just....lingering.

justabrokendream posted 3/3/2014 15:05 PM

Not sure if the feeling you get if you break NC and tell him will be what you are looking for.

I vote for continued NC.....

TrustedHer posted 3/3/2014 17:49 PM

I don't know your story, but if you were to the point of writing "in case I disappear" letters, I think this is one bear you don't want to poke.

There's a difference between "I won't ever let fear stop me again." and saying "Neener, neener, neener" to a bully.

I got out most of my pent-up stuff to my IC and my journal. And SI.

exhausted lady posted 3/3/2014 19:15 PM

Oh honey! If you truly were afraid of him....please listen to your gut and stay NC. Poking that bear just might bring his craziness back into your life, and not in a good way.

NC, NC, NC!!!

The very best way to have the "final say" with a total asshole is to ignore them. For life.

Write it down, post it here......keep it in a it to a therapist.....whatever you need to do. But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him - now enforce it!

InnerLight posted 3/3/2014 23:21 PM

But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him

I know it can feel unsatisfying to not have the real frank talk after you were holding so much in for so long. But if you communicate with him it opens a door that you don't want open.

I vote for doing what I did once with a few girlfriends: putting on a play in your living room and invite your stuffies to be the audience, and other ones to take the part of the players in your old drama including your X. You write the script and you get to say your piece. I found this very satisfying.

need_hope posted 3/4/2014 06:26 AM

Thanks everyone. I know that NC is probably the way to go. It's just frustrating to still be quiet, to still feel like I HAVE TO be quiet - almost like he is still controlling the agenda. I think that's why it bugs me so much.

But, I also know that if I were entirely sure that breaking NC was the way to go, I would have done it already and simply posted the results here. The fact that I felt the need to run it past my SI family first....well, that tells me a lot.

Charity411 posted 3/4/2014 16:04 PM

The great thing is you really don't have to be silent anymore. But you don't have to necessarily voice it to him. By you finally seeing who he really is, he gave you a new voice. For evermore you will look at the next person who tries to lure you into abuse and use that voice to scream "Don't even try it pal!"

peacelovetea posted 3/4/2014 20:54 PM

You can also reframe the way you think about that silence. Its not that he is forcing you to be quiet -- it is that you are CHOOSING not to let him into your world. That is a huge difference, and I hope you can see and feel it in yourself.

phmh posted 3/4/2014 21:26 PM

Just realize that saying that to him and trying to make him understand would be like trying to teach an elephant to drive a car. If he were capable of understanding, he wouldn't have cheated.

If you were to break NC, you wouldn't be able to reach him with what you'd say -- you'd just be reinforcing things in his mind, like:

1. You still want him
2. You are batshit crazy
3. He's so amazing!
4. Ego kibbles!!!

It's so hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a normal, empathetic person.

Saying nothing is what really will let him know that you've seen through him.

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