Another thing that I have learned about my history about sex, is it is “all about the man”. Basically what makes him happy and gives him pleasure has been what my sexual history is about. My IC believes that receiving pleasure for myself (or giving it to myself) is confusing to me, therefore I am unable to do it (hence no orgasm). I probably was “programmed” by this first guy that it was about his pleasure and not mine. Something happened in my early life OR was missing from my early that made me not feel loved enough to say no to all of the guys that I had sex with. That somehow, I have been unable to demand respect for myself, either by other people AND from myself. I don't respect me. I'm ashamed of me.
Obviously dealing with all of this is very painful, but it is a part of the puzzle of my “why”. Any feedback anyone could give would be very appreciated.
Me - WW 40
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
That is hard, scary work, and you are brave to dig into it.
At the risk of sounding, IDK, inappropriately flippant...I sure hope you can unlock "the big O" one day. ICR to what you wrote about sex being for the man. I read in a book recently that sexual abuse survivors are often *literally incapable* of sharing their intimate desires with their sex partner. Very true for me. Throughout our M, BH would ask me, what do you want, sexually? And I would open my mouth, but the words wouldn't come out.
I sure hope you can unlock "the big O" one day.
I read in a book recently that sexual abuse survivors are often *literally incapable* of sharing their intimate desires with their sex partner. Very true for me. Throughout our M, BH would ask me, what do you want, sexually? And I would open my mouth, but the words wouldn't come out.
Who knows what went on?
What happened at 15 is rape. It may not feel like it to you, you may not want to call it that, you may feel silly approaching it that way, but it is rape. Sure, you made poor choices, but that doesn't excuse the older person, nor does it mean you are stupid, nor does that tell you why you made those choices. You can figure out all that with long term counseling. Getting to the point where you understand it is one thing, but believing it is even harder.
The worst thing about these things is that it messes up the way you think about yourself and others. You have to overcome YOU. It makes you not trust yourself, and if you don't trust yourself you can't trust anyone else.
I'd suggest a book, Healing Sex, which might help.
My wife was unable to have an orgasm until I purchased her a vibrator, and couldn't talk about it, she was unable to have one with anyone in the same room until years had gone by, and she wasn't able to have one with a partner (me) until she confessed her affair, told about the rapes, and broke down those emotional walls that she had built up to protect herself. Probably over 200 sex partners from the age of 15 till 30, sometimes more than one in a day, random guys from bars, older men, abusive men. Drug and alcohol fueled encounters.
But no orgasm and lots of shame...unending shame that disappeared with alcohol and sex, but only with strangers that she knew she wouldn't see again, only to come back immediately. She felt awful about sex in our marriage, I was there day, after day, after day...she had to look at me afterward...had to look at the kids. She felt "dirty".
Those first orgasms would take an hour or more...and frequently they just didn't happen.
Now, 4 years after the confession, next week, and it will be 22 years since we first had sex, she can have an orgasm in a few minutes with me. Sometimes more than one. But, she trusts me absolutely, no question about my love and affection and care for her well being. It was hard, hard work...getting to the point of trusting herself, and trusting someone else.
Then, there is the fact that I'm the worlds greatest lover.
[This message edited by standinghere at 2:31 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
Wow. Thanks for sharing your wife's story. How did she get past the shame? How did she forgive herself? I am definitely going to check out the book that you recommended. Did that help her? Her story is similar to mine, but I had a lot less partners, however the shame is identical. I never thought of the time I lost my virginity as rape, but it makes a lot of sense. I am trying to get past the shame and pain, but it is extremely hard.