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What to ask for in R?

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Kc121010 posted 3/3/2014 14:55 PM

Apparently I have been in "false R" for about 20 months now. I found out over the weekend that my H has been looking at porn and lying about it. Lies, lies, and more lies I guess. Apparently he thought because he was no longer having the A, that was enough to consider himself a big hero.

This time, if I decide to stay in this M I mean, I guess I need to lay down some ground rules. Why the Sam hell I should have to do that, I don't really know, but i guess I will see what happens. To me, these things should be freaking obvious, but apparently they are not!

I'm starting to compile a "contract" so to speak. Can everyone help me out with suggestions? Obviously, no cheating, no lying, no lies of omission, no compartmentalizing, no porn (ummm, duh?!), but what else?

I want my M to work, he's a good man who has a lot to learn about himself and life. I hope he puts in the work to figure it out. If not, I'm no longer willing to be the sacrificial rat in his life experiment. I've got one foot out the door, trying to keep the other one from following.

karmahappens posted 3/3/2014 15:02 PM

IC and when you are both ready, MC

passwords
transparency
close all accounts online. Create 1 email for the two of you "mrandmrskc@verizon.net" or whatever...
If you use facebook create 1 joint account as well.

Let him know the consequences, is this a last chance? Are these things deal breakers? Draw your line in the sand, but only if you know you can stick to it. Empty threats mean nothing...

Also let him know you will add things to your list as you need to, time changes and needs change.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Be good to you and take all the time you need in deciding...

LA44 posted 3/3/2014 15:12 PM

This time, if I decide to stay in this M I mean, I guess I need to lay down some ground rules. Why the Sam hell I should have to do that, I don't really know, but i guess I will see what happens.

I think you do it bc your M life is at stake here. You have needs. He has needs. You have wants. He has wants. What are they? You need a foundation here to work from.

Is he in IC? I would think this would be something he could do to demonstrate to you that this M is the most import. thing to him right now. Get in IC and figure out WHAT made him think having an A was okay and WHY he goes to porn.

Has he read any books on healing from an A? After the Affair by Janis A Spring is one that comes to mind for me. We both read that.

While it's one thing to say, "you can't do this, that, the other thing" its really impt to note what steps can be taken in order for the M to heal and in order for you as individuals to heal. Proactive steps.

My H has been in IC for 14 months now and this has been instrumental in him curbing former WS-like go-to behaviours. Far more beneficial then me just saying, "no more lying." He is learning new tools bc he is doing a lot of introspection with his counselor.

Good luck Kc121010!

peoplepleaser posted 3/3/2014 17:03 PM

There is a post on here somewhere called "Before you say Reconcile." I think it's on the JFO forum and it's very helpful. I chose four things I needed and stuck to the 180 until I got them.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you.

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