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crosby33 posted 3/3/2014 15:37 PM

I found out About WS infidelity, it happened only once, and I know all the details. She said she stopped it and cried through it. My question to all of you is how do you get over it? I picture it in my mind and it utterly destroys me. I had a suspicion that she did cheat but now that it is a reality I am floored. I love her and we have a child together. But I wonder how I can be intimate with her when all I do is picture them? It gets me so mad I feel like I want revenge and I know deep down that is not the answer. I need Help! Please give me advice, Suffering BS

hurtininHouston posted 3/3/2014 15:49 PM

As a guy going through this. It takes time! No other way around it. Even then it is still there. Strength yo you brotger.
H

craig2001 posted 3/3/2014 16:05 PM

Time will heal. And in time you will get used to the miserable mind images, they just get old after a while. Practice throwing them out of your mind when they first appear. Don't dwell on them.

It could help if you knew why she did this in the first place. Don't ask questions you don't want an answer to and tell your wife not to give details that you don't ask for.

But understanding can help bring about closeness.

Justgreatnews posted 3/3/2014 16:07 PM

As you'll no doubt read, you'll go thru the whole "stages of grief" thing, and obsess like you can't believe. The "mind movies" will drive you mad and keep you up at night.

You may go thru a period of big ups and downs, be super-attracted to your wife, have sex like crazy, then later be utterly disgusted with her.

There will be sadness, a deep sense of loss, disbelief, terrible anger, and questioning whether you deserved this.

After a few weeks or months, the highs and lows will become less, and numbness will settle in. It may be a battle to do any of you old favorite things, you'll feel drained.

Then, it will be all up to you....

Hosea posted 3/3/2014 16:25 PM

Crosby33:

Man, I've been there. So many of us have. And I'm sorry you're having to process these ugly thoughts and emotions.

I know this sounds glib, but as Betrayed Spouse situations go, yours sounds pretty enviable. A lot of us would've killed to only have to process a One Stand Night.

The truth is, even a ONS is devastating. Your anger is justified, but your desire for revenge must be subordinated.

Yes, there was another man, and sure, you'd love to slooooowly crush his nuts in a vice over a long weekend... But remember, your wife apparently put herself in the situation, and she's the one you're going to need to work through this with. The other man is irrelevant. Try to resist giving him power by making him important-- he's just a dick with a dick. That's all.

If you're traumatized by mind-movies of your wife and another man, tell her. There's nothing wrong with putting your sex life on hold while you and her work through this.

It sounds like, if your wife can be trusted, she had a miserable time-- which, again, most Betrayed spouses would kill to believe. Nevertheless, ask her to picture you with another woman in a One Night Stand. Be specific-- give her a face, a body, a person to picture you with. Give her a glimpse of the agony you're dealing with if she doesn't fully understand.

She'll need to understand it-- even if she can't fully feel it-- because she's going to have to help heal it since she caused it.

---

How do Betrayed Husbands and Wives "get over it"?

Honestly, it's pretty agonizing for most everybody. Few people get over it quickly (less than a month). Many struggle with it for years. Your mileage may vary, depending on everything from your own innate self-worth, your wife's efforts to restore the marriage, etc.

Just remember:

Forgiving your wife is an act of incredible strength. Many men simply aren't strong enough to do it. If you can, I hope your wife appreciates it-- and seizes your Forgiveness as a priceless gift. The more she values it, and you, the easier it's going to be to get through this, and immunize your marriage (hopefully) from future betrayals.

crosby33 posted 3/3/2014 17:20 PM

Thanks for the replies so far. I did tell her about me with another woman, and I seen the pain in her eyes thinking about it. But that only angered me more. I think about an revenge affair, and it makes me happy thinking about it, but I know that is wrong. We go to MC tomorrow and I am afraid and don't know what to expect.

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/3/2014 17:28 PM

I understand where you are at with this and all I can say is welcome to this lousy club that you have just joined. Remember, all of us have been where you are now at and you will find lots of help and good information on here. It is possible to love your wife after all this is over with, but things will never be the same. That is not to say there will not be many good things if your wife is willing to make the effort its going too take.
Come here often. Its not your fault, but prepare for the ride of your life. If things work out, it will be worth it. Best of luck.

5454real posted 3/3/2014 17:29 PM

Brother, I'm really sorry for your pain. ONS, LTA, EA or PA doesn't matter, the name of the pain remains the same. Betrayal. Can't sugar coat it, nice it or pretty it up. You've been betrayed and that brings some very visceral reactions. One of them is a RA. One word. Don't.

Take pride in you. You were in the same marriage and chose not to cheat. You have honored your vows, your commitment, hell yourself. Heck, easy exercise. Take your wife into the bathroom with you, look yourself in the eyes, ask yourself if you like who you see(not the situation, but the person behind the pain). Now, have your wife do the same.

Whose shoe's do you want to be in?

Strength brother.

Lostingrief posted 3/3/2014 19:01 PM

I just found out about my fiance and partner of 10 years was speaking romanically with another woman. Neither of them will give me answers. I feel lost and alone. I can't eat or sleep.he denies sexual relations she is an escort I looked her up online. I confronted her she says they haven't had relations either do I believe them. Do I call off the wedding? Do I forgive? My mind feels like am drowning and can't reach the surface. How do u breath after it. Help!

crosby33 posted 3/3/2014 20:13 PM

Mine denied physical also. But I kept digging and finally she caved. It is very hard to deal with. I have a child with her that is 6 and I have to try for her. But when I look at my WS all I see is what happened. I am torn as to what to do, and hope the counselor gan give me some solutions.

Gordon14 posted 3/3/2014 20:42 PM

Know how ya feel . For me I did not have an erection for over a week , I assume it was due to the massive amount of stress as well as all of the negative thoughts and images in my mind. Yes there are ups and downs lashing out at her and wanting just to hold her . Counselling seems to be helping us but we are fresh as well 1 mo. Since d day . Good luck.

Lostingrief posted 3/3/2014 23:44 PM

So we talked some more he admitted he met her at work he is a phlebotomist and does blood drives all over. He still can't answer why or how long he asks what it matters....to me it does. He deleted her number and keeps telling me it was only verbal contact they had. He says he is sorry and feels like a dick and wants to move on from this. I want to try but I have question after question. How would u proceed?

Skan posted 3/4/2014 13:31 PM

Crosby33, welcome. I'm glad that you found us although I know that you didn't want to have the reason to come looking for us.

If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There is a lot of good advice there for you, as well as a listing of what all of the short-hand that we use (like WW Wayward Wife). Also, any post in the first 3 pages of this forum that have a red "bulls-eye" next to them is a page worth reading. These posts are bumped up to the top on a frequent basis for newcomers to this forum and site.

Unfortunately, one of the lousy things that you will need to do, as will your WW, is to call your doctor and schedule a full panel of STD/HIV tests. It doesn't matter that it was only 1 time, only a ONS. You have now been exposed to a health risk. No matter if the OM wore a condom or not. My FWH had a ONS and Mr. Biology Degree completely forgot that any oral sex and/or kissing STD/HIV risk. You cannot take that risk with your health. And your WW will need to provide you with written proof, or the doctor will need to call you to give you her results. You cannot simply trust that the truth will be told. I'm sorry. We've all had to make that call. You owe it to yourself and your child to make sure that your health hasn't been compromised.

Right now is the time to be selfish. To nurture yourself and your child. You've been dealt a blow that is mortal to your marriage and are going to feel the effects of that mortal blow for some time. Perhaps you can re-build a new marriage. Perhaps the man who has his leg cut off will walk again. But stopping the bleeding and starting to heal is the first step.

Lostingrief, may I very respectfully suggest that you start a new post all of your own. This way you will be able to get the support that you need and Crosby33 can as well. Your situations are different and it's really, really hard to cross-talk and cross-support on one thread. Please go to the bottom, left-hand side, blue box, and click on Start A New Thread. We want to be there for you!

Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 16:51 PM

Thank u Skan......I didn't realize I could start new thread, still new to all this.