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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Feeling confused and ashamed.
Erasmus
♂ 42622
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So for some background, my dday was just 1 week ago today. I was absolutely crushed when I discovered what my fiance was doing behind my back for the last 6 months. I'm still not really sure how to feel about all of this, other than the usual hurt and anger.

I'll try to be as brief as I can, as I do tend to get long winded if I don't watch it.

I'll start with this. I love her. I have loved her since I knew she was the woman I wanted in my life. I love her as deeply as a person can love someone else. I know I'm a difficult person to live with and I fully understand and acknowledge the mistakes I've made and hurt that I have caused by not being what a partner should be. I refuse to take responsibility for any of this infidelity BS but at the same time I do know that I have caused her hurt in our relationship by not fulfilling needs she needed met and most critically, not hearing her when she told me what she needed.

We have a daughter, a home and I have a job to do and people who depend on me so I don't have the luxury of crawling in the hole I wanted to lay down and die in. It forced me to face reality and grab this beast by the horns and wrestle it to the ground.

She has been completely upfront with me, hasn't tried to hide any of it (after I found out) and has answered all of my really hard questions without attitude and with an honest answer, even tho I ask some of them repeatedly. She's given me her word, on our daughter, that this was the worst mistake she's ever made and it will not happen again. While I want to believe her so badly I know that's the part that will take the longest to heal.

So here's my problem right this very minute... I let my desire for her cloud my mind and had sex with her last night. I wanted so badly to feel close to her again. It was the most bizarre experience of my life, a total mix of pleasure and some of the deepest pain I've ever felt. When we finished I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, couldn't catch my breath and was hyperventilating. I felt ashamed at what I had done and that even tho this woman had just damaged me so badly, I still wanted her in every way, including sexually.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I've given her a free pass. I feel like by allowing that to happen she's going to assume I'm all better and expect me to return to normal. I'm still so wounded inside that I want to crawl in a hole, now more than ever. Emotionally I'm going back and forth between anger at myself & confusion.

Does anyone out there have any perspective they can offer? Did I make a terrible mistake? I feel like I cheated on myself.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus - sorry you are here. . . but you will find a lot of help.

What you are referring to is commonly called Hysterical Bonding (HB) here. It is 100% normal. Not everyone experiences it, but many do.

If your finance is remorseful, has gone NC (no contact) with the AP and you are using protection (or you and she have been tested for STDs) then if you feel ok with it, then many would say you might as well enjoy it. It was one of the few perks of those first few weeks/months. I was similarly surprised by my reaction - but, it was what it was. And since we are reconciling, it has been a godsend for us.

I am sure I am not the only person who will point this out, but:

I know I'm a difficult person to live with and I fully understand and acknowledge the mistakes I've made and hurt that I have caused by not being what a partner should be. I refuse to take responsibility for any of this infidelity BS but at the same time I do know that I have caused her hurt in our relationship by not fulfilling needs she needed met and most critically, not hearing her when she told me what she needed.

Gently, the affair was not your fault; not about you, whether you were perfect or not. We are all imperfect - we don't all cheat.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are here; it is the club that no one wants to be in, however, the people here are incredibly supportive and insightful, so you are in the right place for help!
I understand what you are saying about feeling like you have given her a "free pass," but I say that this re-connection is like the glue that helps you hold on while you begin to go through one of the most painful things a person or couple can experience. If you are looking to wait and see or ultimately reconcile rather than divorce (although it is early to know just yet), this can help to keep you connected. Trust your gut, and do what feel right for you, and keep checking in. Good luck to you; take care of yourself. Eat, drink, and try to rest. Lack of sleep magnifies and confuses feelings that don't need any help in that area! Counseling is very helpful too.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Erasmus
♂ 42622
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, the affair was not your fault; not about you, whether you were perfect or not. We are all imperfect - we don't all cheat.

This is one of the parts I'm having the most difficulty with. In a sick way I want it to be my fault. At least then I would know why. I would know that it was more than selfish behavior. It would tell me that there was something I could have done to prevent it. But I know this isn't true.

Accepting that it was HER fault as well as rebuilding the trust is going to be so difficult for me.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What BionicGal said. It's normal. You just want to feel close to her, it doesn't mean you approve of her actions or that any of the pain is gone.

Your description of what it felt like is exactly what I felt like, too.

Hang in there. The pain lasts a long time.

The best advice I have received here:

You don't have to rush into any decisions. Take your time, feel the pain, take in your WW's remorse if she shows it. Wait until you can think clearly again before making a decision that can't be taken back.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Erasmus
♂ 42622
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me feel a whole lot better to know I'm not alone with these feelings. Thank you.

I have a lot of pain inside me right now and it's going to be a long road ahead. My WF ( wayward fiancÚ?, still learning terms) has been remorseful and did go NC without question. I had asked her to do it in front of me but that didn't happen. That hurt me but she claimed she did it because she didn't want to subject me to any more contact with the APs. She knows I read through the text history and she knows what that one action has done to me. It created a movie in my head that has not ended since I found out what was going on. That movie is playing itself back inside my head right now as I type this. It's the reason I didn't recover the rest of the texts from her phone. I just can't have any more of it in my head. I know what happened. I know who the people are. I know that other men had their hands on the woman i love so dearly but I can't find any point in subjecting myself to further head-movie fuel. All I can see that doing is furthering the desire to inflict this pain on the people who deserve it. (figuratively speaking, I wouldn't harm a fly in reality)

I have no evidence that she's contacted anyone, and I have looked. I have no reason to believe she isn't sorry. I have no reason to doubt that she won't ever do it again. Except that all these things happened while I believed everything I just wrote during the last 6 months.

I'm so afraid. So very afraid. And this is coming from a pretty big guy that's never been afraid of anything... Except dentists. Reconciliation is what we both want. Counseling is coming. In a very F'd up way I feel more awake in life than I have for many many years.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Crushed15Feb13
♂ 38846
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus,

So sorry you are here. Don't feel bad about hysterical bonding. My WW (wayward wife) and I went through it also, and it was the best I've ever had. It lasted a few months for us. I think it helped us reconnect and helped both of us through the pain of such a shocking revelation.

Take care of yourself. Try to get enough sleep, exercise, and stay hydrated. Easier said, I know. I don't think I've had a full nights sleep in more than a year, but I refuse to take meds on principle. Do what works for you.

A word of caution, don't be so quick to believe she has come completely clean. My wife TT'd (trickle truthed) me for11 months because she was so afraid I'd leave if I found out what she had done. It's very unfair, but your fiancÚ is probably not thinking clearly right now, and may be trying to protect herself and your feelings but revealing only the minimum she needs to. It happens, you need to know that.

Check out the FAQs- they helped me with some of the confusion i felt. But know it may never make sense.

You have found a very helpful site. You are among friends, a very supportive and compassionate group of people who understand and are willing to help.

Peace and strength to you.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
FixYou71
♀ 42654
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the exact same way. I felt bad for caving in right after finding out but I wanted to be close to my H so bad.
Hang in there. Keep reading these boards. They will help you to feel more normal and see you are not alone in your confusing emotions and painful reactions to things. It is so helpful to know you're not the only one feeling these things and that you're not crazy for feeling them.
Saying a prayer for you.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 18
Married 1993

Posts: 530 | Registered: Mar 2014
Erasmus
♂ 42622
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A word of caution, don't be so quick to believe she has come completely clean. My wife TT'd (trickle truthed) me for11 months because she was so afraid I'd leave if I found out what she had done. It's very unfair, but your fiancÚ is probably not thinking clearly right now, and may be trying to protect herself and your feelings but revealing only the minimum she needs to. It happens, you need to know that.

Crushed,

This creates a deep sense of fear inside me. I wanted to know it all and with my background in computers and data forensics I do feel like I uncovered 99% of it. But that leaves 1% unaccounted for. I keep asking myself if I really do want that last 1%. Have I not discovered enough to inflict the appropriate pain? It's something that makes me sick to my stomach.

As crazy as it may sound... For the first time in many years I feel like I'm not asleep at the wheel in life anymore. I feel like I'm seeing things with new eyes. I thought I was immune to this kind of situation. I felt invulnerable. My world shattered and while it hurts like nothing I've ever imagined I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to know the light is real and not another illusion.

I'm a believer in the good that lives inside most people. I see it in my fiancÚ when I look in her eyes.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Crushed15Feb13
♂ 38846
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, you don't need to be afraid. You've taken the biggest hit a man can take and you are still standing. Your love for her is still intact. You reacted with intelligence, strength and compassion, and now you seek understanding.

As crazy as it may sound... For the first time in many years I feel like I'm not asleep at the wheel in life anymore. I feel like I'm seeing things with new eyes. I thought I was immune to this kind of situation. I felt invulnerable. My world shattered and while it hurts like nothing I've ever imagined I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to know the light is real and not another illusion.

I know what you mean. My heart hurt so bad and felt so damaged that first night, I was sure it could not beat through the night. You may feel invulnerable again when you realize the depth and resiliency of your love for her. I did. But it's a long road your on, and you are going to have ups and downs, progress and setbacks. You are only a week in. Your world may be shattered, but you haven't lost your hope or your belief in the basic goodness inside people.



Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 10

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