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devotedfool68 posted 3/3/2014 16:30 PM

I find myself consumed with this feeling that WW would prefer to have OP if given the chance.
I do not know if this is rational, but the TT and gaslighting has taken its toll.

There have been may threads about worry that the AP was in some way better than the BS. I have read and understand the viewpoint that they were pixie dust etc. I still can't shake the feeling that deep down, if everything else were equal, she would choose him over me everytime.

blakesteele posted 3/3/2014 17:34 PM

TT and gaslighting has taken its toll.

I hear you loud and clear. These two actions choosen by my wife hurt and did more damage than the fact of her having unprotected sex with another man.

It did because of the blatant intentionality of their motivation....no way to sugar coat these choices. The slippery slope, just friends, didn't know we were getting so close to adultery was a distant memory at the point she choose these actions.

What I have come to accept as the truth about my wifes fAP is what is written and studied about....that adultery is, at its core, a singularly selfish action. It is choosen not because of anyone (BS or AP) but because of the unsatiable need within a WS. period.

My wifes fAP dumped her. So I get what you are saying about the fear that she really wants AP over you.....but trust me when I tell you, there are only a few outcomes here.

She ignores the facts of her situation and DOES desire the AP (or thinks its YOU that caused her to stray).....and she is not a person to offer R to. She is doomed to repeat the destructive cycle.

She accepts her actions and facts as they are without defensiveness or justification and goes about the introspection necessary to change.....and she is a a person to offer R to.

It took my wife 4 months post DD#2 to be the person I offered R to.

How did I make it through those months?

1. Ignorance. My own FOO coping skills still in play.

2. IC. A professional helping me break my coping skills, nurture my tending-to-self.....took the focus off my wife and let me heal a bit.

3. Lots of reading. I find comfort in reading books that have case studies mentioned in them in that what is written is what I am experiencing. It doesnt minimize it, it normalizes my experience...makes it seem.....doable?

4. Prayer. Always believed in God, but walking with Him is new to me. I am enjoying this spiritual growth.

PM if you like.....I enjoy all of SI, but really enjoy visiting with BH, for obvious reasons.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:36 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 3/3/2014 17:42 PM

I still can't shake the feeling that deep down, if everything else were equal, she would choose him over me everytime.

Totally normal and rational to think this way...because she DID choose adultery over everything else.

Two things.

First, she choose adultery....not the AP per se, over you and everyone else (including her family). This is why it is critical for a WS to search out and work on that part of them that made adultery an option. There are lots of people out there willing to satisfy this itch in a WS (adultery). Until your wife can unroot that which allowed adultery to be an option in her life, she is at risk to do it again......and it matter little who the guy is really.

Second,this is rational thought applied to an irrational experience.

"Adultery is crazy making shit!"--our first MC.

If and when a WS comes out of the fog.....those "facts" they threw in your face and used to justify their adultery disappear. The irrational actions are now viewed as such. They will realize that they are NOT unique, what they shared with their AP was NOT special.

I know this may be wierd to grasp at your point in time...it was for me. My wife was so PASSIONATE about her affair....quite convincing, until it wasn't.

Unfortunately, actions after DD have a profound affect on whether a M survives or not.

I am hopeful your wife is taking steps to grow through and past her wayward mindset.

Keep the faith.

devotedfool68 posted 3/4/2014 09:58 AM

Thanks Blake,
WW seems to be all in now, but I am haunted by the fact that it took her a year to even start to defog. I was told once that I would recognize remorse if I saw it. I am not sure that what I am seeing is truly remorse. It would be so much easier if she had not tried to hold on to him for so long.