TT and gaslighting has taken its toll.
I hear you loud and clear. These two actions choosen by my wife hurt and did more damage than the fact of her having unprotected sex with another man.
It did because of the blatant intentionality of their motivation....no way to sugar coat these choices. The slippery slope, just friends, didn't know we were getting so close to adultery was a distant memory at the point she choose these actions.
What I have come to accept as the truth about my wifes fAP is what is written and studied about....that adultery is, at its core, a singularly selfish action. It is choosen not because of anyone (BS or AP) but because of the unsatiable need within a WS. period.
My wifes fAP dumped her. So I get what you are saying about the fear that she really wants AP over you.....but trust me when I tell you, there are only a few outcomes here.
She ignores the facts of her situation and DOES desire the AP (or thinks its YOU that caused her to stray).....and she is not a person to offer R to. She is doomed to repeat the destructive cycle.
She accepts her actions and facts as they are without defensiveness or justification and goes about the introspection necessary to change.....and she is a a person to offer R to.
It took my wife 4 months post DD#2 to be the person I offered R to.
How did I make it through those months?
1. Ignorance. My own FOO coping skills still in play.
2. IC. A professional helping me break my coping skills, nurture my tending-to-self.....took the focus off my wife and let me heal a bit.
3. Lots of reading. I find comfort in reading books that have case studies mentioned in them in that what is written is what I am experiencing. It doesnt minimize it, it normalizes my experience...makes it seem.....doable?
4. Prayer. Always believed in God, but walking with Him is new to me. I am enjoying this spiritual growth.
PM if you like.....I enjoy all of SI, but really enjoy visiting with BH, for obvious reasons.
God be with us all.