I left for the weekend for a family event during which time WS got sick while caring for our child and balancing work disruptions. I was already feeling sensitive before leaving from the thoughts and discoveries. So I emailed her, which we decided gives her time to process and prepare. It's been two days and no response. She's still sick so I am taking care if her and our son, but finding time to read SI and cry on my own and self sooth. Is it selfish of me to feel the need to talk in spite if all this? I feel like I'm going to explode from keeping it in. I should also mention that since she's said she can and will show remorse the opportunity hasn't happened given the course of events. Is she avoiding it?
I should mention that the issue is total disclosure and the reasons I believe there is more. I've also been reeling from not feeling special. And this whole time I'm going beyond myself to show her I care and can wait until she's ready, but it's so difficult to do. Help.
[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 5:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]
How sick is she that she can't answer? It does seems like she should at least be able to respond. Is she not responding because she's not well or she is avoiding a confrontation?
I hope you get your answers soon. (Hugs)
For you to heal, you need to call yourself to account for letting yourself be stepped on, and you need to change yourself.
It sounds like you live in the Drama Triangle as a Rescuer, and she lives in the DT as Victim. And my initial response to your post was to Persecute you. That's not good at all.
I urge you to get into therapy with a goal of replacing people-pleasing with authenticity. You're valuable as a complete person, one who receives as well as gives. You're lovable as well as loving, and a good life requires us to exercise both sets of muscles.
It sounds like you guys need some structure to help you have these difficult talks. Have you read "What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal" By Gottman? It has some concrete ways to communicate effectively. Sometimes we need to actually practice these methods so that when the hurt is there we can still function. It's a very quick and easy read, maybe a little "surface" but we still found it helpful.
Your WS isn't coming clean. Instead, she's making demands on you for support, but she gave up the right to that support by cheating (not once but at least twice). She's using her 'needs' as a way of avoiding meeting yours.
Worse, one of the best ways of rebuilding trust and healthy bonds is to answer questions about the A. There's at least some evidence that the more the WS satisfies the BS's desire for info, the better R is. Your WS is simply not taking the opportunity that is presented to her.
Further, and worse than that, the best thing she can do for herself and for you is to own her own shit - acknowledge what she's done, accept responsibility, etc. That's the first step in her healing. That's her major need right now, as an individual and as your partner. And that's exactly what she's avoiding.
That's not remorse in any way that I can see.
Ordinarily, I'd say that you know better than I do, because you know so much more of your actual situation. In this case, though, IMO, the odds are pretty high that you're making excuses for yourself and your WS.
In the end, of course, you do know your sitch better than I do, and you have to make your own choices about what advice to take. Whatever you decide, I hope the outcome is what you want - but I hope you consider the possibility that what I've said above is an accurate reading of where you are.
After all, if satisfying your desire for information is really the best thing for her, for you, and for your M, not forcing the issue will do damage to her, to you, and to your M.
I have noticed that you provide great insight and guidance on SI, so anything you say is taken seriously and with much thought.
While I've "waited" I've done a lot if journaling and one if my entries touches on the point I think you were making. I am allowing my needs to not be taken seriously because the needs resulting from pain from the EAs are confused with the needs we both have to heal in the relationship. So, to work on the relationship I need to allow space and time without emotional pressure or outbursts. However, this seems to be the opposite of what I deserve or need for R as a result if the EAs. It's a mind screw to try and tease them apart and find a balance.
One of the main issues we need to discuss is her (I believe inadvertently) implications that trusting I won't "walk all over her again" emotionally is on the same level as me trusting her after the EAs. I've tried over and over to explain that out trust in each other for changing behaviors that disrupted our relationship are comparable, but there is no comparison to the damage of trust and security done by the EAs. That's where the lack of remorse and accountability seems to lie right now. That's a huge issue for me, as it invalidates and minimizes my unique position in the relationship based on her disgusting actions and the gift I'm giving her by attempting to R.
We are taking tonight, so I'll update later or tomorrow.
Thanks for all the support. It's been so comforting to be able to come here.