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is he clueless, a jerk, or..? WS/fws welcome

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whereismylove posted 3/4/2014 00:07 AM

Ok so we're not far from dday. Affair is over and the not eating angry mean insane depressed man who took over my husbands body is gone and I'm starting to see a familiar face again. [However,] my husband is now spending time with another female employee from his work. Sometimes they run together in the am after their shift they share. He tells me about it and is not secretive (that I know of, right?) When i ask who and what he is texting etc. He is an avid life long runner and has had running partners male and female in the past. He sees it as his sport and partners as almost team mates. He has signed up to run a marathon with her even though she is a novice so he won't be able to compete for time which he likes to do..they are riding to the marathon together as our car broke down yesterday..its only a 4o min drive. He is upset that I'm upset...uh duh innocent it may be but you just got done having an affair with a co worker. WTF how insensitive can you be ...thanks for thinking about how this would cause me all kinds of ptsd moments. Does he not care that it might make me upset or is he too self absorbed and clueless. Ok thoughts...

[This message edited by whereismylove at 1:05 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

painfulpast posted 3/4/2014 01:16 AM


He thinks he can still do anything he wants? and you have no reason to be upset?

I would get him "how to help your spouse heal from an affair." A quick search online will find it for you. IT's really a great read, and filled with great info for the WS.

DDay was only 6 weeks ago. He thinks it should be ancient history? Oh honey.

Check out "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists." anther great read.

SlowUptake posted 3/4/2014 03:55 AM

He is upset that I'm upset...uh duh innocent it may be but you just got done having an affair with a co worker.

He has not yet realised that the affair changes everything. There is now no trust because he has demonstrated he can't be trusted.

Behaviour and interaction with the opposite sex that was OK before Dday is no longer acceptable until you are comfortable with it.
He has to earn back your trust.

I am sorry he's not 'getting it' yet.

He is an avid life long runner and has had running partners male and female in the past. He sees it as his sport and partners as almost team mates.

I think you need to ask him if his running is more important than his marriage.
His answer may tell you all you need to know.

annb posted 3/4/2014 06:52 AM

It's only been six weeks.

Your husband has to give up running with members of the opposite sex...consequences of his actions. No way in hell would I be comfortable with my WH doing ANYTHING with a member of the opposite sex. He had an affair, the rules have changed. He no longer has the privilege of keeping his life status quo.

Your husband's focus should be on his marriage. My WH was involved in a sport for DECADES before the A. That ended. If he wanted to keep our marriage intact, the focus needed to be off of him and his needs and on me and the marriage. It's been nine years...he never went back, willingly gave it up because he understood that his marriage and family were more important than the sport and the friends he had made over the years.

Your WH is being an inconsiderate jerk.

HUFI-PUFI posted 3/4/2014 07:05 AM

whereismylove - Does he not care that it might make me upset or is he too self absorbed and clueless. Ok thoughts...

I may be guilty of slamming my own sex here but yes, it could be just a case of being male, stupid and unaware. Not untypical of a lot of us.

With regard to setting boundaries, you need to sit him down and talk to him about this. Unless he is attending IC and/or reading books right now, he just might be clueless as to how things have to change post A.

If he has genuine regret and remorse, then he will be able to see how he needs to create a supportive environment for the marriage and he will volunteer to put new boundaries in place. Pro-active boundaries are better at supporting healing than a arbitrary list of "do not's" set up by the BS.

Reading Not just Friends would be a good start as there is a good chapter there about boundaries and triggers.


Justgreatnews posted 3/4/2014 08:07 AM

I agree this man seems overly focused on himself. He may feel that if he's not involved with this female that there is nothing wrong with it. He is not thinking of the bigger picture, not taking into account how YOU may feel, what these actions could possibly signal to someone else.

SadInNC posted 3/4/2014 08:19 AM

I would tell him that I'm not comfortable with him running with famales. He needs to drop this girl and find a male to run with. If it's too late, then he needs to back out of the marathon. Don't feel bad, this is just a consequence of his A and the sooner he learns it, the better.

Jovie posted 3/4/2014 08:25 AM

Your husband has to give up running with members of the opposite sex...consequences of his actions.

Totally agree. I am a runner too and I've given the whole thing a break for now, as that whole world is just too intertwined with my indiscretions. My running friends created a fake reality for me and I built a wedge in my M from it.

Just because they signed up together doesn't mean they have to run it together!

veronique12 posted 3/4/2014 11:08 AM

Agree with everyone. He needs to cut it off now. You are 6 weeks out and he's doing this? I don't think he understands the severity of the impact of the A on your M (or else he doesn't care?) or else he wouldn't be further jeopardizing it.

I'm a runner too and have run with both men and women without any inappropriateness, but I don't have boundary issues. People who cheat on their spouses do have boundary issues and they should eliminate any situation where there could be potential for issues that will negatively affect the M. My H was open too at the start of the A about spending some time with the OW too, telling me they were going "as friends" to a meditation class. That openness was a front, a ploy to throw me off the scent of what was really happening. I'd watch him carefully.

Running partners form a bond. If your H and coworker are training for a marathon together, they will be spending LOTS of time running together and talking together, which will lead to lots of opportunity for potential inappropriate behavior. Your H should be spending his energy on bonding with you. You should be more important than this other person. Why is it more important to him to "train" this woman to run her first marathon than to fight to make his wife feel secure and safe?

Personally I would demand that he stop running with her. Put your foot down. I love running and I can understand how it becomes an obsession but bottom line, a marathon is nowhere near as important as your M. If he doesn't listen, that would show that he is so not getting it, and
you should seriously consider starting the 180.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope he snaps out of it.

Morhurt posted 3/4/2014 11:49 AM

That is so hard and painful and confusing, isn't it? i remember those feeling so well. What I can tell you is that although my H was immediately and completely horrified with his A actions upon DDay it did take a while for him to completely "get it", if you know what I mean. He knew what he had done was totally unacceptable but the more vague seeming boundary things had to be worked through slowly.

He had ideas in his head that at long as he wasn't attracted to a woman it was OK to engage in one on one convo (once even leaving me standing alone off to the side), he thought if they were employees he had a "duty" to be friendly and make them feel good, he thought it was rude to not respond to attention from women.

It was a slow and painful process, I often felt I was explaining this to a brick wall, but it progressed, I saw the changes happening and the light bulbs going on one by one. I think some WS get it all in one big flash but some are slower to process and internalize it.

I truly believe he wasn't trying to be hurtful but as my IC said, he's been this way for 39 years, it's going to take some time and training (of himself) to really change.

The discussions are hard, we (BSs) need to be vulnerable and honest and that's hard when we're so hurt, but it's worth it. Keep talking, telling him how you feel.

"when you... (go running with another woman), I feel... (so scared and hurt and lonely)" Or whatever your truth is.


whereismylove posted 3/4/2014 13:17 PM

Thanks ya'll good advice. He is very insensitive about the whole thing. Once when I had to be away for the weekend and wanted to stay extra day he said take your time no rush. I said don't miss me huh? And he said no gonna party and have some ladies over. We used to joke like that before A, but come on not now Ugh! I set him straight that it was not a funny joke . He apologized a lot but god I wanted to smack him upside the head. He is your classic eu spouse so he doesn't do well with communication or expression of feelings.

Morhurt posted 3/4/2014 13:28 PM


He is your classic eu spouse
does this mean British? My H's family is from England/Scotland and very "stiff upper lip", it's been beautiful to see him let his guard down and truly feel.

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