Today is two years since the first agonizing discovery night, full of pain, pain, and more pain. The realization that my husband of 40 years could have had an A, was worse than anything I'd ever experienced in my entire life. What I felt was coming from some primal place inside, a storm of emotions and agony and disbelief that rolled over me in waves of uncontrollable rage. I cried buckets and screamed at him for hours - into the early morning when I finally crumpled into bed. I took him back after that horrendous night, 3 weeks later. But I didn't know the whole truth and as soon as I took him back, he started seeing the bitch OW again. I thought I had my life back, my marriage back, but I found out again that he was seeing her - my intuition told me, plus the OW planted a book on him by offering it to him and saying he'd like it. This same book she had been ranting about on facebook for a few months...a book I knew he'd never be interested in. But he brought it home, and I found it, in his bedside table. Then I faced D-day number two, and again he cried, begged, pleaded and then swore I finally had the whole truth, including the fact he'd asked her to marry him repeatedly and given her a ring (not an engagement ring, he says) He told me he'd talked to the angels and his deceased parents, and asked them to help get me back. Again, after three weeks, I took him back. Shortly after that, he started talking to her again, by secret e-mail and telephone, but, (he says) with no physical touching, not even a hug when he met with her twice for a few minutes. I found out the third time when he admitted he'd talked to her once, but he left out the secret e-mails, and how he told her he loved her all the time. I found this out only when I e-mailed the OW to tell her what kind of a person she was and how she helped to ruin a 40 year marriage, and then she sent me e-mails between them in which she called him her "Baby" and he called her "My love." This was D-day number three and I was devastated beyond words, and left him at Christmas time last year. I took him back again when he broke it off with her and we spent a week together in a hotel, just talking about everything during the long nights of cuddling, bathing, and trying to heal our broken relationship. I don't know why I'm pouring this out tonight, other than the fact that he doesn't even realize it's the D-day anniversary, and that it has stirred up all of the pain again...and I am still broken a year after that third D-day. I constantly lash out at him when I shouldn't, but I find that if he does anything at all to disappoint me or make me angry, those deep feelings from the A come welling up and I am angry, frustrated, and take it out on him. I just don't know if there's any hope left. We have our good times, and they're really good, but they are in between the bad. What's next? I want happiness again, I want my life back, my marriage back, but I know that it will never be the same. I miss me. The me that I was. 
