So easy to tell myself to keep calm, so hard to do it.
I slept in 1-2 hour intervals. Tuesday is my day to get the 7 year old on the bus so I stayed in the guestroom, heard my son get ready, wife get ready. 7 year old playing with dogs. Heard wife and son leave. My heart breaking with every sound of a family life that I have crapped all over and will probably never participate in again.
I don't think she will be at all receptive to "more time" to get it right. I need to be ready tonight. Maybe that's not fair, but I can hardly ask for fairness - my behavior - my choices - are what got me here and I will have to face it tonight.
What sucks is that the last 4 1/2 months have in many ways been the best of our marriage. I feel like more of a real human being than I think I ever have. I really have worked hard since October and I desperately want to stay married. to my wife. I know now - far too late - that she is the best person in the world for me and that I am broken, not her.
I know - I KNOW - I could never do this again.
I will face her questions tonight with absolute honesty. I don't know what OW#1 told her and it scares me that she may believe her story over mine if or where it differs. I know I can't control that.