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hoosier posted 3/4/2014 07:00 AM

Just found out that my wife had an affair.
My mind is a mess. I have no idea what to do.

annb posted 3/4/2014 07:15 AM

Hi, hoosier, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here, but you are among those who have walked in your shoes and felt the pain you are feeling.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Chock full of information, and knowledge is power.

Right now you do not have to do anything. Just breathe. Take care of yourself as best as you can, keep hydrated, exercise, eat even small amounts of food, and try to get some rest. Meet with your doctor if you need help coping. Most of us here had to take some type of anti-depressant or sleep aid to get us through this living hell.

Also make an appt for both you AND your wife to get tested for STDS.

There are several threads in this JFO forum that are excellent resources for newbies, scroll down a page or two, each has a target icon on the left hand side. Tactical Primer, Before You Say Reconcile, Boundaries 101....

Did your wife confess, or did you discover the A on your own? Is your wife remorseful?

shiloe posted 3/4/2014 08:15 AM

Keep reading here Hoosier.

I know it is so hard to think straight, the pain is intense. There are a lot of good people here to help you.

Just remember, she may make a laundry list of your "faults" but don't let her blame you.

It is all on her.

joannie posted 3/4/2014 08:50 AM

Sorry you are here, but the people here help so much, have been my lifeline at times.
Their help, your inner strength,( i'm still finding mine will all give you support,) hugs and thoughts

norabird posted 3/4/2014 09:59 AM

I'm so sorry. The shock is overwhelming. Start very simply, just by taking care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and try to eat, sleep, exercise, see friends (if that helps you) or withdraw into something comforting....whatever you can do for yourself, even small things. It's a trauma to the whole system.

LetMeRollIt posted 3/4/2014 10:09 AM

Hey Man.

So sorry you are here.

You need to heal. A lot. Take care of yourself. Eat. Exercise a bit to make yourself eat. Get someone over to your place you can talk to.

You are in absolute Hell. As i was 7 months ago. All I can say is I am much better now, but still have a ways to go. Time. Dammit.

Post and read in Betrayed Men over in I can relate. I found/find it very helpful.

Twitchy posted 3/4/2014 11:51 AM


Tell us what's happening. With more info we can help you understand and deal with the coming trials. You're battle is just begining. Don't fight it alone. We're in your corner.

kalimata posted 3/4/2014 16:37 PM


I feel for you dude. I was in your same shoes just a few months ago. Get a grip and post some more details. We can help.

How does she know the OM? How long?
Any kids involved?
Do you live in an at-fault state?
Have you confronted yet? If not then HOLD
What kind of evidence do you have?

Post some more details and we will tell you what to do next.

hoosier posted 3/8/2014 14:35 PM

It was an old boyfriend who she reunited with on facebook. It went on for two months. She confessed it all to me.

hoosier posted 3/8/2014 14:36 PM

It was an old boyfriend who she reunited with on facebook. It went on for two months. She confessed it all to me.

Breezy150 posted 3/8/2014 14:50 PM

You are already getting great advice so I will just give you (((hugs))). Post often and read everything you can.

craig2001 posted 3/8/2014 16:47 PM

Hoosier - Just stay calm at this time. Dont go out and pay anyone back at this time.

Is your wife sorry she did this. Usually a woman doesn't just come out and confess, they are usually caught or found out some other way.

It is important your wife never talk to this guy again and that she become totally open with you, and that means her cell phone, facebook, everything. No more hiding things.

You might want to start asking her questions. Before you just blurt out questions, it is best to ask yourself if you really want the answers. Some people want every answer and others are fine with just a few.

Try writing down your questions.

I would also say do not drink any alcohol. That can cause problems and really inflame your anger and or depression, because you will feel both.

stu23 posted 3/8/2014 17:05 PM

Sorry you have to go through this hell. Iím still reeling from finding out about what my wife did with a guy she met while we were dating. The mental pictures of the two of them in bed together have affected me emotionally and physically. I suggest you write out every detail that you are comfortable revealing. I have spilled my guts to these strangers and their responses, good or questionable have given me insight. The more I write the better feel. It doesnít remove the anger, but it helps.

jb3199 posted 3/9/2014 09:13 AM


I know that it is tough to reach out about your wife cheating on you, but this place an really help you deal with this.

If you can, put some detail in the story that led you to this site. Don't write what makes you too uncomfortable---you can always add more detail as you feel better. But with that being said---the more that we know, the more that we can possibly help.

You said that she confessed. Was it on her own, or was she caught/about to possibly be exposed? How long has this gone on? How long have you been together? Any children? Looking back, has she possibly cheated before? How was she treating you before she confessed? How is she treating you now?

These are all important pieces of information that can give us an idea of what direction that you should take. While I know that you are reeling, you have to believe us when we tell you that it gets better---it really does.

Keep reading and posting. It can really help.

hoosier posted 3/9/2014 19:29 PM

She insisted that they both agreed to end it because they realized it wasn't what they thought it was. We were going through a rough patch and he was there for her to talk to. She said she thought she was in love with him. But realized she wasn't and she was still in love with me. I was suspicious of the relationship. But I just never thought she would do something like that. She says they agreed to end all contact. And it seems like they have. But I just don't know what to believe anymore. Plus we have young children and I just want to do what's best for them.

craig2001 posted 3/9/2014 19:46 PM

Hoosier - Only believe what you can. And at a time like this, believing what your wife says will be very hard.

She has to be completely transparent with you. She has to let you have complete access to her emails, facebook, phone and any other way she communicated with this guy.

Is this other guy married? And does your wife work with him?

You need to be able to trust her again and she needs to understand boundaries and just how easy it is do cross boundaries.

You probably should not trust a great deal at this time and possibly keep a close eye on your wife. Does she come home on she at work when she is supposed to be. Things like that.

hope2014 posted 3/9/2014 20:16 PM


I completely understand what you are going through. I'm only 2 weeks past DDay myself. The emotions can be and will be incredibly intense. Try to breathe, try to eat, try to sleep. Please feel free to vent here. This is a safe space in which to express your hurt/pain/confusion.

trynhard posted 3/9/2014 21:00 PM


The first question for you to answer about YOU.

Do you think you can handle this pain into the future? Are you the kind of man who can emotionally handle it? Because if at some point down the road, you cannot, do yourself a favor and remove her from your life as much as possible.. D her.

And you can take your time on this. I was up and down for months.

Your W confess meaning she felt extreme guilt. I think that is very positive.

So, I would lay this on her next...

I am going to go get checked for all STD's.. Let's take sex off the table until I get my head straight. And you wife, I want (let her make the choice) you to get tested too.

After all, you don't want a STD do you?

Then see how she reacts. If she does go get checked, then that is a positive.

There are phases all marriage go through.
- The romance
- The disillusionment (yes, you wife was here.. perhaps even YOU?)
- Misery (Yes, your phase.. )
- Awakening (You can get here even after infidelity.. It is hard, but you can)

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

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