... I'm sorry to see you here, struggling with the unintended consequences of your affair.
I once wrote a post on how the consequences of the affair seemed to be like tentacles of some giant squid, reaching into every crevice and cranny of your life. Others have used the example of how an affair is like a grape fruit stain on a white shag rug. You can clean like crazy but there is always a visible strain that you will never be able to get rid of.
Regardless of the metaphor, the ugly truth is that our affairs have and continue to have unforeseen consequences and since we are the authors of our fate, that's the price we just have to pay. A sort of suck it up, life is rough philosophy. And while that might be true, it still can be a very hard, difficult journey. For some of us, our new reality is that our spouses and children have left, or some, its the loss of a job and career, for others, its one or more of the thousand different things that will forever be lost to us.
In the aftermath of the A, its easy to focus on the pain and suffering that the BS experiences but in reality, quite often, the WS is also struggling with loss and pain. Dealing with the loss of ones self image or perhaps the loss of a spouse and children is no less difficult for the WS to deal with. We have to deal with those consequences too and that means, we also have to deal with grief and the sense of loss.
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. And while we may have been the authors of our own loss, in some respects, that makes it harder and not easier to deal with. Dealing with a sense of loss is compounded by guilt and shame.
1 - You need to find support in dealing with your grief and loss and you can find that in IC. Bottling up and denying those feelings will not help. Talking and counselling is the best approach to deal with this issue.
2 - Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and stop any self-medication. Alcohol and drugs do not mix well with the emotions that you are struggling with.
3 - Read some books. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a good start.
NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.