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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Lost without family...rambling
Mrunderstood
♂ 42536
Member # 42536
Stop  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone lost a child through this?
How do you cope.
She was not mine. I started dating a woman with a kid from her previous marriage. She was 2 when we met, 6 almost 7 when I was forced to leave. My "infidelity" was brought on by past life events. I had issues. No denying that. I never met anyone, never wanted to. She doesn't believe me and has turned her back on me.
I know I can't make her but there is so much more than her and I. The little girl. I love her like my own. I loved both of them and would have done anything for them. I sold my house to be with them. Moved near her family for them.
When shut about my past came up that I still was not comfortable sharing it all blew up. I should have been honest but It was all overwhelming the way it came out. I was an emotional wreck. All she would do was push and push and push. I needed time and after I had was able to get the appropriate help.
Now I just miss my family....well, I guess not mine (as she told me). Just pretend mine for the past 4 yrs I guess. I didn't know it was pretend, I believed her when she said we were.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr, you're feeling really low, and I'm sorry the trauma of CSA contributed to you (and me) making horrible choices. Even though you never physically met up with an AP, your BS has every right to feel betrayed, and ending your relationship was the right choice for her.

What I see in your post, though, is you blaming your BS for her reaction to your choices.

I was forced to leave

She doesn't believe me and has turned her back on me.

All she would do was push and push and push.

I didn't know it was pretend, I believed her when she said we were (a family)

You're hurting, and in IC you're probably having to face your very painful past, and I know that is hard. You have every right to feel hurt, to miss the girl you came to know as a daughter, to feel devastated and misunderstood. Minimizing your "infidelity" and blaming BS for breaking up the family, though...is not fair or healthy.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrunderstood ... I'm sorry to see you here, struggling with the unintended consequences of your affair.

I once wrote a post on how the consequences of the affair seemed to be like tentacles of some giant squid, reaching into every crevice and cranny of your life. Others have used the example of how an affair is like a grape fruit stain on a white shag rug. You can clean like crazy but there is always a visible strain that you will never be able to get rid of.

Regardless of the metaphor, the ugly truth is that our affairs have and continue to have unforeseen consequences and since we are the authors of our fate, that's the price we just have to pay. A sort of suck it up, life is rough philosophy. And while that might be true, it still can be a very hard, difficult journey. For some of us, our new reality is that our spouses and children have left, or some, its the loss of a job and career, for others, its one or more of the thousand different things that will forever be lost to us.

In the aftermath of the A, its easy to focus on the pain and suffering that the BS experiences but in reality, quite often, the WS is also struggling with loss and pain. Dealing with the loss of ones self image or perhaps the loss of a spouse and children is no less difficult for the WS to deal with. We have to deal with those consequences too and that means, we also have to deal with grief and the sense of loss.

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. And while we may have been the authors of our own loss, in some respects, that makes it harder and not easier to deal with. Dealing with a sense of loss is compounded by guilt and shame.

1 - You need to find support in dealing with your grief and loss and you can find that in IC. Bottling up and denying those feelings will not help. Talking and counselling is the best approach to deal with this issue.

2 - Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and stop any self-medication. Alcohol and drugs do not mix well with the emotions that you are struggling with.

3 - Read some books. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a good start.

HUFI

NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.



Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Mrunderstood
♂ 42536
Member # 42536
Content  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not blaming bs for anything. This is my situation and it really sucks. Anyone can leave any relationship for any reason at any time.
My issues with the internet had stopped, by me, prior to her finding out. Prior to selling my house. Prior to getting engaged. Not saying it makes it ok. But it was not ongoing while we were making all of our big moves and changes.
I was forced to leave. I did not want to. My family was all I ever wanted. I loved them. They were my heart and soul.
I did a lot, gave up a lot, to make us happy.
I'm just hurting from the loss. I'm not looking for pity or to blame anyone. Just venting.
I am not minimizing what I did. I know better than anyone how hurtful, painful, and absolutely destructive it was. But I guess I should just suck it up. Maybe if they didn't mean anything to me…

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 4

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