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Areukiddingme posted 3/4/2014 08:05 AM

Dear SI Community,
I'm really gonna need you all right now. I have been lurking since October and really trying to soak it all in. Many days it was hard to read your truths, but that's what they were...truths. Got my second DDay this morning when I finally got his work cell phone while he was in the shower. The affair isn't over....according to her their "love is powerful enough to get them through this storm". When he got out of the shower, I handed him his phone and said, "Get out.". I was shaking all over. He tried to explain a little bit but I told him to quit gaslighting and trying to make me think I'm crazy. I know what I saw. Thanks to reading your advice to other people, I found some strength and a voice. No more secrets...they have destroyed us. Now....on to making my, dr for std check,and therapist to work on me, and taking time to simmer down. My in the floor crying, can't function, can't eat left after DDay 1 when I told myself that I was going to do the work this required. I think I'm entering the mad/disappointed zone. Not quite ready for reality (kids, finances, probable bankruptcy), but any things better than crying . I am too sober for this shit!

MovingUpward posted 3/4/2014 08:13 AM


Welcome and I am glad that you posted. What transpired today was very shocking and you've got your mind going in many different directions. Focus on getting that appt to IC taken care of and then the Doc for STD test. I wouldn't be in a rush yet with the attorney as your head will need to be clear to understand what they are saying. I suspect that with the high level of emotions that you might miss out of things when talking with an attorney right now.

The thing to remember is that you can overcome this and you can heal. Don't lose hope. Keep posting and get support.

Gemstone posted 3/4/2014 08:18 AM

Welcome to this site, just sorry you have had to be here.

Wow, you seem to have got yourself together and although you will have bad days when you may weaken or doubt yourself, you are being strong and that is important.

My situation is not the same as yours, but there are many here going through the same as you and they will be along soon to offer you more advice and help, and we are all shoulders for you to lean and cry on whenever you need us.

You have so done the right thing by already reading other posts and getting the right advice, these people know what they are talking about.

You definatley need to get all the appointments as you have said, including seeing a lawyer re divorce, to make sure you know all your entitlements. If a reconcilation should be possible, (if it is what you want) then it can be stopped, but it lets him know that you wont' take any more rubbish from him.

I hope you can gain strength from knowing that we are all here for you.
Keep reading and posting as you will learn how helpful that is, no matter whats happens.
((((hugs to you)))))

OK now posted 3/4/2014 09:34 AM

The saddest truth to learn from SI is that unless you are tough, firm and prepared to draw boundaries, you will buy yourself even more pain and misery. You can't rationalize. discuss, beg, plead or nice your WS out of the affair; all you will get is more lies and deceit.

Its so difficult to be hard and decisive when your world is crumbling around you and you feel so very alone. Thats why it important to turn to friends, family and SI of course. Can't do it alone; support and encouragement is vital when the person you most trusted sticks a knife in your back then tries to justify it.

Filing for divorce tells him you're getting on the train, its leaving the station and he had better think about his options before its too late.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 09:53 AM

I am so sorry. You are not alone in avoiding facing the hard truth, so do not beat yourself up. You are finding your backbone now and drawing your boundaries. It does not stop the pain now....but it does stop the wound from getting any bigger. And it gives you steps to focus on and distract yourself with. Your IC will give you tools and a safe place and SI will be your safe place too.

Reach out to friends and family, follow the advice of the attorney, and stand strong. Put your WH on mute and detach yourself.

You can do this. You deserve better. There is going to be light at the end of the tunnel. It is a hard path to walk, but you are strong enough to walk it, and to come out a more compassionate, independent, fire-tested version of yourself.


yearsofpain25 posted 3/4/2014 10:06 AM

I am so very sorry for your pain and I am happy that you've joined us in posting. Keep posting and give updates. I want to pass on a piece of advice that was given to me by an SI elder. Treat this place like a journal that talks back. You will get good, bad, ugly, and beautiful advice. Take what you need and ignore the rest. But keep posting so that others can help you through this.

It's good that you have the strength at this point to detach yourself from him and get him out if that's what you need. Get what you need and worry about the rest later. I can see that you are a strong person. That is good for you and to use that strength going forward.

Keep your kids close and hug them a little tighter. Wishing you more strength and courage to get through this.

BtraydWife posted 3/4/2014 10:14 AM

You've already received good advice. I just wanted to add my support. It was very courageous of you to do the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. (((Areukiddingme)))

Jrazz posted 3/4/2014 10:20 AM


So proud of you for finding some strength.

HardenMyHeart posted 3/4/2014 11:05 AM

(((Areukiddingme))) So sorry for what you are going through.

You've received some good advice. Also remember the basics to maintaining good health through this difficult period...Eat right, get plenty of rest, and exercise.

Areukiddingme posted 3/4/2014 11:18 AM

Thank you wonderful group of strangers for your kind words and support. I have found a gold mine here!

Rainbows posted 3/4/2014 11:38 AM

(((Areukiddingme))) Sending you hugs.

You will get through this.

Lionne posted 3/4/2014 14:08 PM

You already showed more strength than I did upon JFO. I, too, know you are hurting and wanted to reach out and say that I'm holding you in the LIGHT.

Tearsoflove posted 3/4/2014 15:41 PM

Obviously, you had enough suspicions to lurk. You handled the confrontation very well. The rest will be painful for a while but you maintained your dignity. For me, that was the hardest thing to regain after doing everything wrong the first time.

Don't forget to stay hydrated and as nourished as you can. You're already ahead of the game on the rest.

kalimata posted 3/4/2014 16:26 PM

Good for you. Glad you kicked his sorry ass out.

Some questions though:
Are you through with him, or are you considering R?
Are there kids involved?
How does he know the OW? Have you told OW's husband or Boyfriend?

Areukiddingme posted 3/5/2014 04:15 AM

Are we through? It sure feels like it. I've scrambled around trying to grasp something to hold on to but haven't found it yet. There are 3kids involved 17, 17, and 8. The 8 year olds reaction to her dad not coming home last night was gut wrenching. OW isn't married...they met through work indirectly. The kicker is that recently she's had to start coming to my place of employment and I have to deal with her. My mantra is, "I won't look good in prison stripes, I won't look good in prison stripes!". Sonofabitch this is hard.

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