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User Topic: when do you stop waiting for something bad to occur
joannie
♀ 42486
Member # 42486
Shutup  Posted: 8:11 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 months now, after a rocky road with family and contact with the OW. I feel some progress no matter how small...little steps as they say has been made.
I am still not sure if they speak..will have to see in a few days, if we get past 2 weeks of no contact bigger steps are being made, if not i will go down again. So why is it that i am waiting for this to happen, why do I feel so nervous still.....not asking him for reassurance for a week now as helped , he cannot say anymore..i need to learn to trust in myself, my ability to be enough for him for now on...when will this kick in....when do the doubts slow down in your mind...when will i be able to see her drive past and not feel that she still has a hold on me....i am a bit tougher, sometimes.....

[This message edited by joannie at 8:11 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are a long way from losing that feeling of doom. How is it 2 weeks of NC when he just spoke with her last week!

I needed months and months of confirmed no contact and feeling like he was forthcoming and 100% honest with me.

Your WH doesn't sound like he is forthcoming. This time span can't start while he is still "fighting" you over A stuff.

Sometimes I still get the overwhelming need to double check everything. I'm not sure when it goes away forever, or if it ever does.

i need to learn to trust in myself, my ability to be enough for him

You do need to trust yourself and believe in what you know is true. You are enough.

Now trusting that you are enough for him? As in, he won't cheat again-is not up to you to work towards. He needs to be taking actions to prove he is man enough to remain married to you.

That means being honest with you about everything at all times, taking action to fix the broken thing inside him that allowed him to cheat, EARNING back your trust, helping you heal the pain he caused you, no contact at all with AP, full transparency with all devices, and finally dropping the entitled prick attitude he seems to have.

You won't start feeling better until you start to get all those things. Then he has to keep all that up forever.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
joannie
♀ 42486
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What i meant was if we get to two weeks of no contact which will be next weds, not tomorrow next week...sorry rambled a bit


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jump on you. I see you making a lot of excuses for him which in turn allows him to rug sweep. I'm concerned about you. This is not a healthy mental place to be kept in. I hope you can see that soon and take actions to help yourself. Keep posting here and reread everyone's responses.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Morhurt
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Joannie... ((hugs)), I just had to write to send you some extra support. I read your profile too, honestly Hun, he's being an ass and he's still a WS. There is no "acceptable contact", for him to say "trust me"?? No. You cannot trust him. At all.

Please, please, please read up on the 180. You are worth it! You are enough for him, way more than enough in fact! But right now, he is not enough for himself and he certainly isn't enough for you.

More ((hugs)).


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to be taking actions to prove he is man enough to remain married to you.

That means being honest with you about everything at all times, taking action to fix the broken thing inside him that allowed him to cheat, EARNING back your trust, helping you heal the pain he caused you, no contact at all with AP, full transparency with all devices, and finally dropping the entitled prick attitude he seems to have.

You won't start feeling better until you start to get all those things. Then he has to keep all that up forever.

The advice above really struck a chord with me, too. My WH attitude is pretty crappy sometimes when I bring up the A. Stay strong, Joannie. We can all get through this together.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Howie
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joannie, I survived when I thought and wanted to die.What was the one sine qua non that got me through it? No contact. Well, no contact after a farewell appointment with the OM.It seemed to me inhuman in my case to deny that. She met him, she said I choose my husband, this is it. I allowed that- and insisted on no contact whatsoever after. So we could heal.And she pledged thus and meant it.It was the proof of everything else. For what it is worth...

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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