I've had nonstop consequences since my LTA came to light. I no longer live with my children, my job has suffered dramatically, loss of family and friends, lack of privacy, depression, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, weight loss, I'm unable to focus, on and on it goes.
And that is before you take into account the pure punishment that has been doled out on top of the consequences. The physical beatings from my wife, the constant verbal abuse, the threats, all those horrible things she said to me over and over again that roll around my head when I can't sleep.
Now I'm not complaining. I did this. I betrayed my best friend and the consequences and punishment is all part of sleeping in the bed that I made. But in having all this unfold in such painful circumstances I'm able to put everything in context and nothing compares to the worst consequence of all:
I've lost my wife.
Some days are better than others at accepting this, but today is a rough ROUGH one. I returned from vacation (brilliant time with the kids btw) with 1000 stories to share with her. It's an annual trip with our friends and there was always something so intimate about how we shared what we thought about other couples, their relationships, the way they raised their kids, etc. At the same time she went on her vacation alone and I have 1000 questions to ask her about how it went. It was a big cultural trip which she adores and I want to hear about it...the movies on the flight she watched, the local food, the sights, everything.
But I'm alone, I've lost my wife ("I murdered her" as she puts it...) and today THAT CONSEQUENCE hurts more than anything else.
We'll never be the same people again and I have a long night of crying ahead to further reflect on what I've done. Back to IC tomorrow thank God...