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User Topic: The next step
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH and I have signed a lease to live together.

However, rather than being happy and excited, I am somewhat nervous and regretful. A big part of my work over the past 4 years was learning to be independent, to stand on my own two feet and not rely on a man to take care of me or even really contribute. In that way, this seems like a step backward (even though I could afford to live in the new place on my own if need be).

I also feel somewhat uncomfortable having taken this step without more of a commitment between us. While we are in an exclusive relationship and we have tentative plans for remarriage, I wouldn't call us fully reconciled nor officially "committed" in its purest definitional sense. And yes, I am fully aware of the hypocrisy of being averse to shacking up while yet having been willing to commit adultery---all I can say is I've changed in 4 years and I wanted to do things right this time around.

As for the why I'm doing it if I'm uncomfortable with it: a twofold set of circumstances exist that required us to have taken this step now; otherwise I would have waited. I just wanted to put my feelings out there.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2368 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Tren0R201
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regretful is the word that jumps out.

You don't seem to be ready to make that commitment yet. When days turn into months maybe years is it you that's going to regret you took this decision?

Or maybe you see this movie playing out exactly how it did before. Except there are no blinders now.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's that kind of regret, in the sense that if everything works out between us I won't have any lingering bad feelings about it. I just regret it in the now because, as I said in my post, it feels (oddly) like a step backward rather than one forward. I'm satisfied with the forward motion I'm showing personally; now I'd like a little more forward motion in the relationship, I guess.

Except there are no blinders now.

Ain't that the truth.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2368 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried about the uncertain nature of the "commitment" too. Not that either of you are setting out to hurt the other, it's just important to make sure that you two are on the same page.

On paper, it sounds like you both are doing everything right. Actually, you sound farther along in your healing than a lot of couples struggling through Reconciliation. Fully reconciled? I wouldn't begin to know how to define that - I think that it's almost always a work in progress. That doesn't mean that you don't get trust or intimacy back - I think it just means that you can't get back what you had... so you have to learn to be happy with the new normal.

I don't want you to look at yourself as hypocritical for wanting a full commitment. You get to seek the same faithfulness you are willing to put out. You have done so much work on yourself and you deserve respect and honesty just like everyone else.

It's ok to be nervous. Keep communicating with XH, and take things in little steps. It IS scary, but approaching it as a team will get you through it.

(((hb0903)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18682 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ 29447
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it feels (oddly) like a step backward rather than one forward.

Have you talked to him about this? Because from an outside point of view it can seem very much like a step forward. He could possibly be looking at this from a very different perspective. One where he has taken a step to trust you enough to join your lives together again. Even for a "trial" basis of the lease agreement. Perhaps he wants to rest the waters to make sure he can take that final step to a more permanent commitment.

I think you have already proven that you can stand on your own two feet since your D. Maybe he needed to see you can function in a two person household again. You don't have to rely on a man to take care of you to want to live with them. It's ok to want to live with him because you love his company and want to spend as much time as possible with him.

If you see it as taking a step backwards, stop and examine why. Don't move in with him again if you are feeling regret. You could be doing it for the wrong reasons. Better to wait and be honest about how you feel than go along with it. Be sure of your feelings. You don't want to hurt him a second time.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jrazz, that's a really good point about the term "fully reconciled." I actually thought of that after my initial post but I didn't want to edit/change what I said. I agree that "fully reconciled" is very difficult to define, if it even exists. (No offense meant to anyone who considers themselves fully reconciled.)

On paper we are doing very well. I just get struck with the same old fears that I had since the beginning of our reconciliation (2 years ago in April)---that XH is content to go about our lives as though it never happened, when in reality he was completely devastated, angry, disgusted...you name it. It's like, how in heaven's name can this just be "over with" in your mind? I sound crazy when I say things like this, because I know many WSs would be completely relieved to never have to face this crap again with their spouse/SO. And it's not like I want a raging, mistrustful XH...if he has truly healed, I am so glad; I am so disgusted in what I did to him. It just goes against everything I've assumed to be "the norm," based upon what I read here. Also, as nuts as it sounds, I kind of feel guilty that I didn't have to experience the stuff that other WSs did, because he divorced me so quickly. I saw maybe a week of anger and pain. The next week was us getting along, HB, talking about trying to stay together despite the looming divorce, and then I was moved out into my new place. And then a couple of weeks after that, he told me there was no hope of R and we had such limited contact for two years.

Oh boy, I am getting off track. I tend to ramble, sorry. But all of that ^^ rambliness above was meant to explain why after 2 years of R I'm still unsure about things.

I'm not worried about lack of honesty and respect. He's an open book to me (as I am to him) and he has always, always treated me with the utmost respect even in the immediate aftermath of D-day. I guess what I'm concerned about is us just falling even more deeply into the status-quo, lethargic, coasting that we've been doing for awhile now---will it be made worse if we're officially living together again?

Walkinoneggshellz, I started typing my reply to Jrazz hours ago and took a break before I saw your post.

One where he has taken a step to trust you enough to join your lives together again. Even for a "trial" basis of the lease agreement. Perhaps he wants to rest the waters to make sure he can take that final step to a more permanent commitment.

This is a very good point and actually very likely. Thinking about it from that angle, this entire 2 years of R has been kind of on my turf in a sense. MY apartment, MY paid-for car, ME paying all my bills, etc. might have him feeling as though since I can easily "walk" at any time, my "good behavior" doesn't mean as much. Just thinking out loud here. He probably does want to see what things would be like in a situation similar to what we were in before where there is more even footing.

I don't blame him for wanting to see how things go before we move forward. The truth of the matter is, I do feel that I forfeited my expectation of a more "traditional" order to things due to my past behavior in this relationship.

Be sure of your feelings. You don't want to hurt him a second time.

To be honest, I still have many, many days where I can't believe he still wants to be with me at all after what I did.

Thank you for the good advice!

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2368 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LAFA
♂ 31868
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand you being a bit apprehensive, but I believe you are entitled to a bit of joy here. I speak as a BH, having separated and finding a way to reunite, but not divorcing. So similar shoes, just not exactly the same size. I've seen your posts for quite some time here, witnessed you going through the work, and the rebuilding that you and your BH have done. The reunification seems a logical next step. If you had not been doing the work to rebuild his trust in you, if you had not given him reason to accept your growth and commitment to a life of love and integrity with him, you would never have seen this opportunity. He obviously loves you, and has come to believe you truly love him. Perhaps it is time for you to start believing in yourself. The work we have witnessed here by you makes me think you are now ready and capable of being a wonderful and loyal partner to him. I recommend you give yourself a chance to prove to yourself and him that you are healed and what a life partner really is. I wish both of you happiness, and a wonderfully rebuilt relationship. Peace to both of you.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, LAFA. Your words are very kind and give me courage. Peace and successful reconciliation to you and your wife as well!


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2368 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 8

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