Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Jrazz, that's a really good point about the term "fully reconciled." I actually thought of that after my initial post but I didn't want to edit/change what I said. I agree that "fully reconciled" is very difficult to define, if it even exists. (No offense meant to anyone who considers themselves fully reconciled.)
On paper we are doing very well. I just get struck with the same old fears that I had since the beginning of our reconciliation (2 years ago in April)---that XH is content to go about our lives as though it never happened, when in reality he was completely devastated, angry, disgusted...you name it. It's like, how in heaven's name can this just be "over with" in your mind? I sound crazy when I say things like this, because I know many WSs would be completely relieved to never have to face this crap again with their spouse/SO. And it's not like I want a raging, mistrustful XH...if he has truly healed, I am so glad; I am so disgusted in what I did to him. It just goes against everything I've assumed to be "the norm," based upon what I read here. Also, as nuts as it sounds, I kind of feel guilty that I didn't have to experience the stuff that other WSs did, because he divorced me so quickly. I saw maybe a week of anger and pain. The next week was us getting along, HB, talking about trying to stay together despite the looming divorce, and then I was moved out into my new place. And then a couple of weeks after that, he told me there was no hope of R and we had such limited contact for two years.
Oh boy, I am getting off track. I tend to ramble, sorry. But all of that ^^ rambliness above was meant to explain why after 2 years of R I'm still unsure about things.
I'm not worried about lack of honesty and respect. He's an open book to me (as I am to him) and he has always, always treated me with the utmost respect even in the immediate aftermath of D-day. I guess what I'm concerned about is us just falling even more deeply into the status-quo, lethargic, coasting that we've been doing for awhile now---will it be made worse if we're officially living together again?
Walkinoneggshellz, I started typing my reply to Jrazz hours ago and took a break before I saw your post.
One where he has taken a step to trust you enough to join your lives together again. Even for a "trial" basis of the lease agreement. Perhaps he wants to rest the waters to make sure he can take that final step to a more permanent commitment.
This is a very good point and actually very likely. Thinking about it from that angle, this entire 2 years of R has been kind of on my turf in a sense. MY apartment, MY paid-for car, ME paying all my bills, etc. might have him feeling as though since I can easily "walk" at any time, my "good behavior" doesn't mean as much. Just thinking out loud here. He probably does want to see what things would be like in a situation similar to what we were in before where there is more even footing.
I don't blame him for wanting to see how things go before we move forward. The truth of the matter is, I do feel that I forfeited my expectation of a more "traditional" order to things due to my past behavior in this relationship.
Be sure of your feelings. You don't want to hurt him a second time.
To be honest, I still have many, many days where I can't believe he still wants to be with me at all after what I did.
Thank you for the good advice!
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
Husband: XBS, 40s
Married 2.5 years