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User Topic: Opinions please - SO gift giving
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Question  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO didn't have a gift for me on my bd - but he gave me a card and wrote in it - good for a modest piece of jewelry or a piece of crap pottery (I love pottery but he doesn't care for it. He meant that as a joke).

He also neglected to get me anything for Valentine's Day even though he was aware that I had ordered something for him.

We are a LDR and when I was there for V. Day, he took me pottery shopping. I found a lovely bowl and showed it to him. He told me he rather put $200.00 toward a TV for me. I was delighted since my TV has been acting up.

I order the TV, he comes over, puts it together and gives me $200.00. Turns out we were both disappointed in the new TV and decide to return it. He took back the $200.00 which surprised the hell out of me. He informed me that the money was earmarked for the TV. No mention of doing anything else for my bd or V. Day.

Please share your thoughts with me....


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Douchebag move in taking back the money.

Was there any talk about going TV shopping in the future?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7814 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely a douchebag move on taking the money back.

I'm of a mind that I will not ask someone to get me a gift. If you choose to forego gifts as my SO, you're telling me a lot about how much you value me and our relationship.
(Please note, I'm not talking about diamonds and tiaras. I mean something that shows you thought about me on my day).

It doesn't seem like your LDR SO thinks that much about you...

ETA:
Actually, I should ask: What do you typically do in the way of gifts for him? Is it understood between you that you dont "do" gifts or is he just being a jerk?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:38 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Williesmom. No mention shopping for TVs another time. I'm on a limited income, so it looks like I won't be buying a TV anytime soon. I had enough to pay the remainder of the TV - $223.00. It was a good deal but it didn't meet our expectations.

I did ask if I get to go shopping again. He said, "If you want to". WTF?


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaby, we DO exchange gifts. I had a special photo printed and framed for his V's Day gift. He LOVED it. Nada for me except a card.

For my bd card - he didn't sign it. I asked him why and he said he figured I'd know it was from him (cause he handed it to me)


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It'd be worth having a coversation along the lines of:

When occassions come up to exchange gifts, even if I can't afford XYZ, I always try to think of you and what you might like.
I feel that you don't make any effort on my part and it hurts.

See what he says and how it goes from there...


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm...LDR...skimps on gifts...takes the cash back...doesn't sign his cards.

Are you sure he's single?


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21098 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm on the side of not cool.

My SO and I are also in an LDR and he's pretty thoughtful. He makes it a point for us to see each other around holidays and such (up to and including him traveling to me for HIS birthday) and he never forgets gifts... sometimes small but that's perfectly fine. I'm with Gaby in that gifts don't have to be diamonds and tiaras; just something that says "I thought of you."

And not signing the card? That's pretty lazy.

ex-asshat was like this and always made me feel bad about being upset. He turned it into my being materialistic and it wasn't that at ALL. I just wanted to know he thought of me.

I agree (again) with Gaby... a conversation would be good to see where he stands on this and you can go from there.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15433 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister's husband has been like this all their lives together. They've been together almost 40 years. It just depends on what you can live with.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20433 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long have you been dating your SO? What was your previous gift exchanging like?

I can't imagine my SO giving me $200 for a TV and then taking it back when I took the TV back. He'd be taking me shopping for another TV!! Or at least keeping an eye out for a good deal.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4223 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
getnbtr1
♀ 40540
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that would really hurt my feelings and make me question his feelings and intentions. I am seeing someone for 6 months right now, and part of what helped me to see that he cared and was genuinely interested is just how thoughtful and personal his gifts to me were from very early on. I could not tolerate your SOs style. He came so close to doing the right thing, but seems to have ultimately failed on execution. I'm hoping he is loving and thoughtful in other ways that make the whole gift/card giving thing less significant for you.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
broken2
♀ 16935
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how long you have been dating SO, but it sounds like awhile anyway since there is gift exchanging, at least on your part anyway. This sounds like trouble to me. If he is like this now, I don't see him changing anytime soon, at all or ever.

Call him out on this and I don't mean just on the TV issue. You take time and seek a gift he would like, order it and pay for it even when your money is tight. He does nothing, but gives you money which IS a gift in the instance of the TV and then he takes it back??? He gives you nothing for your bd and then nothing again for V-day? Does he ever surprise you with things? I flower, a few or a box of truffles for no apparent reason other than just because? If you choose to say nothing about this issue since it bothers you, he is assuming his behavior is a-ok with you.

Is he a selfish person? Do you see him giving generously or at all in other aspects of his life? I agree with the others here that it was a bad move on his part to take the TV money back. Does he think you are a child and will spend money that has been earmarked for a TV on something other than a TV or is he just plain cheap? Like I said in my opening sentence, I don't know how long you have been dating, but if it has been for a while, I would be reevaluating the relationship.


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Nov 2007
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is different and it comes down to what you want.

The taking back of the $200 and the passive aggressive in my opinion of giving you a card and not signing it shows either he feels he has to do something and resents it or it is his style.

The thing is gifts are just things I care about him taking back the gift- it would concern me.

Does he fulfill you in other ways if not then this is very odd.

Good luck!


Posts: 1055 | Registered: Jul 2012
PhoenixRising88
♀ 35214
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking back the $200 = Dink move on his part, in my opinion.

I personally would take that action and compare it with what else he does. Is it an isolated incident or are there other 'dink' moments that surface too?

And - are the comm lines open? If it's a one-off situation it can usually gain clarity by talking about it - Even if the only clarity gained is that yeah, he's a dink

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 6:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 434 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
I.will.survive
♀ 34677
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:( Nothing in your story sounds good to me. I hope there are a lot of other redeeming qualities about this man.

You should be feeling cherished. Special. Always desired and made time for.

On top of those basic needs that cost nothing...if he has the means, treating you on special occasions like your birthday and a romantic couple's holiday deserve thoughtfulness at least.

I don't see where he fulfilled any of those obligations as a worthy SO. :(


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of those things would work for me. I could not tolerate such insensitivity and outright rudeness.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

We've been together almost 2 years now. He had given me thoughtful, lovely gifts prior to this,but YES can be selfish and cheap. This did hurt my feelings. I considered talking to him about it during his visit, but realized it would probably be useless.

I thought perhaps I was over-reacting and that's why I wanted to ask everyone's opinion.


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally wanted to say something about how it's obvious that this guy's love language is not gift giving, and that maybe he just doesn't get the value and importance of it in a relationship. But honestly, I think that would be making excuses for him to say that.

I think he's showing you who he is, and it's not a very caring and considerate person.

I don't expect my SO to buy me expensive gifts, but I do expect him to treat me with respect, to make me a priority, and to make me feel loved. I'm not getting the impression that your SO does any of that for you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pretty much all bad, but the worst part to me is that you wanted to bring it up to him but decided not to -- whether that's because you were worried about his reaction, knew it would be futile, or whatever, that is just a terrible sign. You are not overreacting at all. You deserve to be with someone who treats you properly and with whom you can talk (communication is especially important in an LDR.)

My love language is not gifts at all (I got a 0 in that one) and even I wouldn't treat someone like that.

But, it's up to you to decide what you're willing to tolerate and excuse. The very fact that you're asking about this here means your subconscious knows the answer.

(((Abby)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3465 | Registered: Dec 2011
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After all the hell of the A and D one thing is crystal clear to me is that if I don't feel special to my SO or cherished by him then I don't see the point of the relationship for me. There are times we miscommunicare, or he just has his head wrapped up in work and he misses a beat. But usually when I let him know that I felt hurt or not special by his not paying me a certain amount of attention, he will do something to get us back on track. A bunch of flowers, or an extra nice dinner out.

You've been together 2 years so it's worth it to ask for a time when he's ready to talk. Let him know what he does right first so you put the gift issue in context. Hopefully he will be less likely to be defensive. Let him know that you need to share some sad feelings that are coming up for you in the relationship. you are feeling hurt by his inattention in the gift giving, and let him know what would feel good to you.

Don't tell him what to do. He is a free man and he is not obligated to be thoughtful towards you. It's just that you don't want to be in a relationship where you don't feel special.

Give him time to respond. I think some people especially guys need to take in the info, digest it and figure out what they will do. Sometimes I have given my SO a month. I hold my tongue and wait after I have said my piece, and it usually is the right thing to do for us. He does come through.

The thing is, if you say you don't want to be in a relationship where you don't feel special, you have to be prepared to stand by your words. If he hears you and does nothing you will have to break it off for the sake of your own integrity and trust in yourself.

So think about what you want to say, how you can communicate in a kind and loving way, and what words you can stand by. then give him the opportunity to shape up. His response will tell you what you need to know.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 11:07 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
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