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from conflict to opportunity

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veronique12 posted 3/4/2014 13:11 PM

This weekend started out pretty good. H and I were connecting, I was allowing myself to feel happy. Then things took a turn for the worse. H disclosed the A to his mother, which is something we had both wanted him to do, but he didn't include enough information about some details that are hugely important and painful to me. I felt like my pain was not validly represented. So I got really angry and didn't do a very good job at containing it--yelling, etc. That's one piece.

Now the other piece: telling his mom about the A was very hard for my H since his parents' marriage and his childhood was destroyed by his father's A many years ago. Long story. But he was courageous and told her and she was very supportive of the fact that he's taking responsibility and wants to R and save the M. Then she disclosed previously unknown info to my H about the nature of his dad's A's--really disturbing news that I'm not sure my H would want me to disclose. It is really traumatic information.

So he's telling me the traumatic bit and I'm shocked, but then I start asking about details of what he told her and get all huffy and triggery and mad. I'm watching myself react badly and know it's the wrong approach, but there's nothing I can do. I'm in full-on adrenaline mode. He leaves, we ignore each other, same old pre-A pattern.

But in true roller coaster spirit of post-A reality, this turns out to be a "come together" moment. We go to MC the next day and I apologize for the way that I handled things but acknowledge that I was genuinely upset. I need to learn to express my anger in a more constructive way. Then we start looking at the new info that his mother told him and the MC says that this has changed my H's whole story of his childhood, his whole vision of his mother, his father, abandonment issues, sense of self and I start to see my H (the man I want to pummel every other day for cheating on me) as a little boy, confused, scared, alone. And holy crap I realized that not only was I not there for him the day his mom told him this news, and instead was focusing on my own hurt, but that I was not there for him to help him hold his pain for the last several years of our M, while I numbed out bc of my own FOO issues. Very powerful moment for us, I couldn't catch my breath. I feel like this was a very big breakthrough for us and my ability to at least understand the last few years of our M and the vulnerabilities that had led to my H making the very bad and wrong choice to have an A. H was overwhelmed that I could feel strong compassion for him after the pain he's caused me and frankly so was I. I really feel that I want to support him and to have a good, strong marriage. This is a strong step in the direction of R--probably my first real decisive one.

It's amazing how moments of struggle and conflict can lead to some of the biggest opportunities.

We'll see what tomorrow brings on the roller coaster!

Morhurt posted 3/4/2014 13:32 PM


This is a strong step in the direction of R--probably my first real decisive one.
Yay! That is so wonderful and heartwarming. You both were able to be compassionate with yourselves and each other, such a break through!

FixYou71 posted 3/4/2014 15:32 PM

I too have felt that compassion. I have visions of my husbands depressed, lonely, feeling he wasnt good enough for anyone to love him and stay self when he made the bad choices he did that caused me so much hurt. His mom and dad divorced (both parents had affairs) and at age 12 she moved across the country and he's only seen her a handful of times since. I'm so angry at her for that. I dont even thnk he ever felt good enough about himself to fight for himself. He didnt know he deserved it or how to get it. He didn't know how to love me and my own Foo issues/ life history were equally as debilitating. After 22 yrs of marriage we are finally doing what we couldn't do before, give and receive love and compassion. The fight or flight instincts are still very real but it is getting easier.
So good to see our spouses as that child. It explains alot.
God bless you and your journey to healing.

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