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4 strikes you're out?

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destroyed0927 posted 3/4/2014 14:20 PM

Never thought I'd be here. I recently learned my husband (and high school sweetheart) whom I've been with for 24 years, married 17 has been having a 6-month (now nearly 9 month) affair with a woman (12 years younger than us) that he works with. Life was generally happy...busy with two boys and I do work a lot, but love was certainly there and was passion.

Sorry about this length, but I am alone in this and don't have any one to really turn to who has been through it.

1/1/14 -- learned husband had had frequent, lengthy phone calls to one cell number. (He hates talking on the phone.) Started in July and continued through December...ranging from 30 minutes to two hours. Discovered who it was and confronted. He played it off as they were just friends and someone nice to talk to. Naive, I believed him but still suspicious. I am made to feel guilty for questioning him.

1/6/14...catch him in the act of Tango messaging her.Confront and get brief access to the phone...not just friends -- I love you's; I miss you's; "hate that we only see each ohter at work...He gets angry; deletes app. I fall apart; leave the house, spend night in the car while getting ready to see the dr. the next day for what ends up being emergency gall bladder surgery that next day. He promises nothing ever happened it was all simple flirting. She has come on to him, but he's never met her or done anything...just talking I cave again.

2/6/14...Month goes on...we focus on is good, I am insecure and still curious that I don't know the extent. He buys a new phone and I get access to his old phone which proves things were proof of full sex, but definite intimacy and lots of love chatter about soul mates, blah blah blah. I leave again. Stay away two days and cave yet again.

between 2/9/14 to 3/2/14. Full promise of no contact...we are like teenagers again. We are is good.

3/2/14...I discover they have had contact...very recently...that contact being sending nude and nearly nude photos or suggestive kissy face photos...even while we were on a date...he did so from the bar's bathroom.

I confront...first he denies...tells me I need to trust him. I am able to describe the photos...he admits. I pack up my stuff and move to my parents (at age 40...ugh!)...we tell kids we are separating. I am stronger this time. Other times, between being physically sick from gall bladder and this, I was truly weak and craved his touch and comfort. Now I am numb. I am seeking counseling to focus on me so I don't lose my mind or become so recluse I can't ever be happy or a good mom. He gets hysterical...vows to us our marriage...same promises from before, but more intense. Supposedly tells her off at work. Gets extremely distraught to the point I was afraid of him hurting himself. I talked on the phone to him to get help and called his brother.

Ugh!!!! I am exhausted. Been awake now 50 plus hours and trying to still work...not doing a good job of it. Trying to keep the kids calm...him calm. I think he thinks I am just able to come home in a few days...I never would put my kids through such torment or drag my parents into this if that were the case. I don't know what I am able to do...he desperately wants me to show a sign of hope...I told him its no longer a matter of trusting him about this woman or any other woman. It's about trusting him with my heart. To be able to make choices that are in my and our best interest. He's failed to show that so many times now and lied so many times. (When I was first admitted into the hospital right before Christmas, before I knew anything, he called her for nearly an hour the moment he dropped the kids of at a bike park. Unbelievably selfish.)

I moved my counseling session up to Thursday (in two days) instead of Monday...not sure I can cope that long. Hence why I am here.

I jumped into unguided separation by a counselor, but felt no other option. Couldn't stay there after this now 4th time! Any advice on managing a separation? What to expect? Anything?

Thanks in advance.

Disclosure: He's a very good father. Has been a loving husband...made me feel like a walk on water. Friends and family have always thought he adored me...which he has. It's like something in him as snapped. I have a pretty demanding job and am the primary wage earner. During the time of the affair, I was managing the biggest project of my career and was gone constantly. Knowing this I planned us a wonderful vacation right before the project began and took time off immediately afterward. The project lasted about 4.5 months. But my job leading up to that wasn't easy either and I did get stressed and wasn't as attentive as I like to be. But our love and passion was still there. With stress I tend to cope by turning into a robot -- get done what needs to be done. So I take full responsibility for that...but never have I strayed not once or had any desire to do that. I was doing what I felt I needed to do for our family. I am not even that career-driven person...only to benefit our family. If we won the lottery tomorrow, I'd be a stay at home mom. I'll stop now. (Even this writing helps me release!)

norabird posted 3/4/2014 14:32 PM

Do not take responsibility for his affair! You were working hard--well, marriages have times like that! It didn't give him the right to look elsewhere.

Stay strong for yourself. You gave him several chances and he blew them. Now you know you have to be more careful.

If he really wants to make things right he will snap out of his foggy behavior and shape up. But right now focus on you. Get counseling, get distance, and stand firm. You are going to make it through this.

Breezy150 posted 3/4/2014 14:51 PM

I am so sorry but please don't ever take any responsibility for his A. You were both in the same marriage with all if it's highs and lows but only he chose to cheat. Please take care of yourself, you are strong.


EvenKeel posted 3/4/2014 15:00 PM

I know this is very raw for you. I am sorry for all your are going through because I remember how debiliating it was. However, you are making excuses for this (job, demands, etc). He had other choices we could of opted to do versus engaging with the OW. Please do not take any reponsibility for his poor choice.

Why do you keep leaving the house? He is the one doing this - let him sleep in the car, etc. NOT you.

MassOCH posted 3/4/2014 15:19 PM

This website is full of great advice and lots of people who honestly do care - you are definitely in the right place.

The experience you are describing is unfortunately very common. There are thousands of stories that begin just like this: "It was just kissing," and then, "We only exchanged photos like that once," and so on and so forth. It is something called a Trickle Truth and there's a ton of articles written about it and it is definitely a real thing. My wife did this to me over a span of about 3 weeks until she couldn't hide it anymore and I gave her one last option:

Tell the truth now, the absolute truth, every detail, answer every question, otherwise this relationship is over and I file for divorce tomorrow.

She did just that and answered every possible question I could ask, and 20 months later, we are still together. In all likelihood, your husband still has some stones he needs to unturn but I want to point out something. Your husband still is a very good father. He still is a loving husband. He still is the same person that you married, only now, you know that he is capable of making some SERIOUSLY bad decisions.

There is no doubt that he loves you. No doubt that, given the strict alternative of you *actually* leaving him, he would choose you over any other woman and do whatever it takes to win you back. However, I personally believe that true reconciliation can only happen if he is 100% open and honest first and is will to answer all of your questions.

I am sure that the longer you stick to your guns and stay with your parents that (from the sound of it) he is going to try to work towards making things right.

That said, though, reconciliation and healing after an affair is a lot of work, on both sides. There is a link to "The Healing Library" that I am sure many of us would encourage you to read as it will help answer a lot of your initial questions, feelings, and concerns.

I wish you weren't here either - but, welcome, and we're all here for you now that you are.

SadInNC posted 3/4/2014 15:39 PM

I don't know how to manage a Seperation but there is a forum for S and D on here. You might find some good advice there.

I just want to say that I really feel for everything you've been going through since Dec. It's been a lot. With all of his lies and then you surgery on top of that. The picture sending from the bathroom while he was on a date with you is so hurtful and mean/selfish/crappy. He needs to change. Big time. We are here for you.

momentintime posted 3/4/2014 16:03 PM

He can make many promises and say he will change. Not so easy to do in reality. He has straight out lied to your face over and over. Minimized and disrespected you over and over. Talking to her for 2 hrs while you were in the hospital is just WRONG. Where was his love for YOU?

Focus on you and your children. Have him move out and let him try and win you back. Remember no quick solutions here. That didn't work in the past, so this time take you time and make him work for the gift of a R.

Has he stopped communicating with OW? If not, then you need to cut him out of your life. Sure he sees the kids, but you 180 him hard.

Has he fessed up to how involved they were? Saying I love you's, etc could to true or just fantasy on their parts. (Was he sending her nude pics or just her?) Whatever he owes you answers and a true picture of what was going on. Remember he lies so dig deep and don't just accept his answers.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We all know the heartache, the crushing pain of infidelity. Stay strong and remember you have all of us covering your back.

ps....this is his mess to fix not yours. The onus is on him. He needs to not only tell you what he plans to do, but then he has to do it before you will even consider R.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

ZedLeppelin posted 3/5/2014 03:04 AM

1) Take advantage of your gender and ask him to leave the house. Move your parents in if you need to.

2) Go to a lawyer and see what your options are.

3) If he threatens to harm himself tell him you will call the police/ambulance, not to mention the impact this will have on your children.

4) Ask his side of the family to take him in for a while if he is serious about harming himself.

5) Continue to stand up for yourself and do not take any of his bullshit.

cantgetup posted 3/5/2014 05:39 AM

He's exhibiting Classic behavior of a cheater. Got caught, cover up, pleading, resume affair, repeat. He's nothing special and his affair is no different from any of us here. Spend an afternoon reading here and you wil see this and get on the right track for yourself. You've made some novice mis-steps already, but it's not too late.

I'm sorry for our situation. It's terrible.

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