Never thought I'd be here. I recently learned my husband (and high school sweetheart) whom I've been with for 24 years, married 17 has been having a 6-month (now nearly 9 month) affair with a woman (12 years younger than us) that he works with. Life was generally happy...busy with two boys and I do work a lot, but love was certainly there and was passion.
Sorry about this length, but I am alone in this and don't have any one to really turn to who has been through it.
1/1/14 -- learned husband had had frequent, lengthy phone calls to one cell number. (He hates talking on the phone.) Started in July and continued through December...ranging from 30 minutes to two hours. Discovered who it was and confronted. He played it off as they were just friends and someone nice to talk to. Naive, I believed him but still suspicious. I am made to feel guilty for questioning him.
1/6/14...catch him in the act of Tango messaging her.Confront and get brief access to the phone...not just friends -- I love you's; I miss you's; "hate that we only see each ohter at work...He gets angry; deletes app. I fall apart; leave the house, spend night in the car while getting ready to see the dr. the next day for what ends up being emergency gall bladder surgery that next day. He promises nothing ever happened it was all simple flirting. She has come on to him, but he's never met her or done anything...just talking I cave again.
2/6/14...Month goes on...we focus on us...life is good, I am insecure and still curious that I don't know the extent. He buys a new phone and I get access to his old phone which proves things were physical...no proof of full sex, but definite intimacy and lots of love chatter about soul mates, blah blah blah. I leave again. Stay away two days and cave yet again.
between 2/9/14 to 3/2/14. Full promise of no contact...we are like teenagers again. We are dating...life is good.
3/2/14...I discover they have had contact...very recently...that contact being sending nude and nearly nude photos or suggestive kissy face photos...even while we were on a date...he did so from the bar's bathroom.
I confront...first he denies...tells me I need to trust him. I am able to describe the photos...he admits. I pack up my stuff and move to my parents (at age 40...ugh!)...we tell kids we are separating. I am stronger this time. Other times, between being physically sick from gall bladder and this, I was truly weak and craved his touch and comfort. Now I am numb. I am seeking counseling to focus on me so I don't lose my mind or become so recluse I can't ever be happy or a good mom. He gets hysterical...vows to us our marriage...same promises from before, but more intense. Supposedly tells her off at work. Gets extremely distraught to the point I was afraid of him hurting himself. I talked on the phone to him to get help and called his brother.
Ugh!!!! I am exhausted. Been awake now 50 plus hours and trying to still work...not doing a good job of it. Trying to keep the kids calm...me calm...him calm. I think he thinks I am just able to come home in a few days...I never would put my kids through such torment or drag my parents into this if that were the case. I don't know what I am able to do...he desperately wants me to show a sign of hope...I told him its no longer a matter of trusting him about this woman or any other woman. It's about trusting him with my heart. To be able to make choices that are in my and our best interest. He's failed to show that so many times now and lied so many times. (When I was first admitted into the hospital right before Christmas, before I knew anything, he called her for nearly an hour the moment he dropped the kids of at a bike park. Unbelievably selfish.)
I moved my counseling session up to Thursday (in two days) instead of Monday...not sure I can cope that long. Hence why I am here.
I jumped into unguided separation by a counselor, but felt no other option. Couldn't stay there after this now 4th time! Any advice on managing a separation? What to expect? Anything?
Thanks in advance.
Disclosure: He's a very good father. Has been a loving husband...made me feel like a walk on water. Friends and family have always thought he adored me...which he has. It's like something in him as snapped. I have a pretty demanding job and am the primary wage earner. During the time of the affair, I was managing the biggest project of my career and was gone constantly. Knowing this I planned us a wonderful vacation right before the project began and took time off immediately afterward. The project lasted about 4.5 months. But my job leading up to that wasn't easy either and I did get stressed and wasn't as attentive as I like to be. But our love and passion was still there. With stress I tend to cope by turning into a robot -- get done what needs to be done. So I take full responsibility for that...but never have I strayed not once or had any desire to do that. I was doing what I felt I needed to do for our family. I am not even that career-driven person...only to benefit our family. If we won the lottery tomorrow, I'd be a stay at home mom. I'll stop now. (Even this writing helps me release!)