I'm 35 weeks pregnant and sort of freaking out about having the most awkward hospital room ever. He totally blew it with my family, and is showing heaps of regret, but very little actual remorse beyond "I'm sorry, you/your family don't/doesn't deserve any of this". Other than that, totally playing the victim card. He has not volunteered any aspect of his story because "he's not ready" - all I've pieced together is what I've asked, found on his internet search history, and deduced from credit card/banking statements. He also hasn't decided if he still wants to be married, which blows my mind, because I'm not sure there's a lot of gray area here... you're either in or out, correct? As far as I can tell from all of the passwords and records he's turned over, he has managed to maintain NC for a week. Unfortunately he's a very skilled IT/Social Media guy, so I don't feel confident that his word and account logins are 100% comprehensive.
I blamed his behavior on family transitions (our 3yo was adopted at 20mo, this started 6mo after his arrival), business trips, and work stresses. He's always had really random hours. I've called him out for "checking out" at least a half dozen times since this started, and apparently he's a way better liar than I gave him credit for.
We've both had IC and will have MC for the first time next week. I've extended the reconciliation olive branch knowing he has a TON of work to do to resolve his MAJOR abuse/abandonment/FOO issues, and think it could be kind of amazing if he actually gets the help he needs (and manages to re-date me in the process). I feel like I have a looming deadline with baby's arrival, and it's making me sick that this pregnancy has been the least exciting thing ever because he was too busy pouring himself into the OW. I feel stuck because I depend on him financially, and it's not exactly like I can make any major moves in my current state... I'm stuck with this guy for a few months, and I hate being in emotional, hormonal limbo without a commitment to the relationship (although he has committed to counseling and "seeing where it goes"). How long am I supposed to give him before his regret wears off and the remorse kicks in? What's common for fence sitting? I don't think he wants to be with the OW, I just think he's the type that would rather throw in the towel than invest in the work. Kind of a passive dude (I'll admit to wearing the pants), with a tendency to run. Thoughts?
For the rest, concentrate on keeping you and the baby healthy. He already decided to betray you. Since when does he get to make the decision of what he is and isn't ready to give? He lost the right to make those type of decisions when he got busted cheating. You decide what you need and since he isn't really doing what you need, I'd start the 180. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself so that you can stay strong and healthy.
Please take a few moments and read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner.
You might also want to tell your OB you have possibly been exposed to STDS.
My therapist gave me the goals of self-care (eating and sleeping, primarily), staying angry so I have energy to get through the day. She also told me I didn't want to get emotionally involved with the other parties... but I've done lots of reading on here and I know that's not the common sentiment when it comes to informing the OWH. She also said the OW was a real spitfire for even suggesting that I consider her family, considering she's not exactly had a lot of care going my way. Still conflicted about how/if I should do this...
I'm so sorry. You are worth so much more than this.
Your husband is a slimeball. Cheating on a pregnant woman. How low. What a creep. The trickle truth started and will only continue until you put a stop to it.
You mention that he "blew it with my family" and showing regret. However you haven't clarified if you have exposed this affair yet? Have you exposed to OW's husband? He definitely needs to know. Also what about your family and his family? How do the two know each other? Expose to friends who are mutual to them both. If they work together consider exposing to HR (talk to an attorney before doing this as he will likely get fired).
I would recommend seeing a lawyer and getting D papers drafted up. Cheating on a pregnant woman looks great in court, and the judge will skewer him alive. Get the papers ready and file them, you can always rescind them if he shows sincere remorse. Otherwise he will keep stringing you along.
Once you expose and give him the D papers, here is another list of demands that I would give him
1) Write up a timeline of the A
2) Tally up all the money that he spent on this ho-bag (credit card statements, cash, presents, etc)
3) Change his phone # to a new # and you have access to the PIN. Activate the GPS tracking feature on the phone
4) Turn over passwords to all of his social media and internet accounts. He is allowed to keep ONE email account, and you have access to it. In setting up the email account make him setup a filter so that all emails from OW are automatically forwarded to you and then deleted.
5) Stop the couples counseling until he agrees to all of the items above.
If he doesn't agree to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE DEMANDS THEN FILE THE D papers and kick his butt out. Bag up his stuff into hefty bags and leave them on the front porch, and then change the locks.
This will get his attention. Stand up for yourself. Don't let him treat you like this.
OW is local, but they met on Facebook. I haven't told her husband yet, thinking of texting him tonight. WH is self employed, so no co-worker to worry about, but it also grants him a lot of freedom in scheduling. I have access to his phone GPS, and he's tethered to that thing, so I feel it's fairly accurate. He's been living the life of a hermit the past week. #3 and #4 are technically already done... I have blocked her as a contact so that she can't reach him via his google account (which is his e-mail and phone #)
I'm talking to a lawyer on the 17th, and we'll have had a MC session by then, so hopefully if that doesn't get the message through his head that he needs to come out with it, I can at least gather my rights. It just seems really early... I dunno, I still stand by the fact that he has many great qualities, but has made a concerted effort to abandon his value systems, which still blows my mind every time I think about it. I give him zero excuses for carrying on this lifestyle, but acknowledge he's got some huge junk in his past that needs to be dealt with. My therapist said this would have happened regardless of who he married, and it's classic early mid-life-crisis. Makes me feel sorta better about the situation, except how crappy it is that I'm saddled with all this responsibility right before having another kid. Ugh.
Work toward being financially independent of him.. There is no trusting him at this point...Don't assume that he will be fair to you or take you and the kiddos into consideration when he makes decisions..
Make it a condition of R that he extends to you a financial cushion or signs a post nup that is heavily in your favor should he misbehave and be caught in more lies..
I realize that I may come off as cut and dried and seem kind of cold, but the bottom line is that you and your kiddos are gonna need stability with a roof over your heads and food on the table no matter what decision you make... Your WH, as the father, HAS to be responsible for his part..
How long am I supposed to give him before his regret wears off and the remorse kicks in?
If he isn't remorseful now, with a new baby almost here, geeez. I don't know about that. It doesn't sound right to me. That was the time I was closest to my wife (XWW, that is). If for some reason I had cheated on her at that time (hypothetically) I would have been overcome with remorse instantly. I know that your H is not me, but come on. It doesn't seem like he's feeling the excitement of the miracle that is about to happen.
You know him, so maybe you're right that he has the potential to fix his brokenness, but I wouldn't be expecting to see any quick turnaround from regret to remorse.
Do what's best for you and your babies and you'll be doing the right thing. Continued strength to you. And, despite your H trying to ruin it, congratulations on what is about to become the greatest thing you will ever do in your life....having this child.
You need to inform the OW's husband about his sleazy wife's behavior. He has just as much a right to know bout this mess as you did, CrazyTalk. Your therapist is wrong, claiming you shouldn't get 'emotionally involved' with other parties - a/k/a don't tell the betrayed husband. That's not getting emotionally involved with anyone; that's simply having compassion for someone who was screwed over as badly as you were, and letting him know what his REALITY is, just as you found out what your reality was. So you need to tell him.
Don't tell your lying husband that you're going to do it because I can almost guarantee he'll pull out that bullcrap story they all pull out - that her husband is 'abusive' and that you'll be responsible for any violence and abuse she incurs because you told him. Let me tell you something - if her husband really WERE an abuser, the LAST thing she'd do is risk getting the beating of her life by playing around with some married man. So don't fall for that crap story if he tries it. Just do it WITHOUT telling your husband.
Good luck to you.