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LolaJean posted 3/4/2014 16:01 PM

Hello, I am new to SI, and I am very grateful to have found this forum! I have been struggling with my feelings and thoughts for awhile.

WBF and I have been off and on for 11 years. I've tried to leave the past in the past, only to find out recently that when we dated over the years, he hasn't been faithful at all. We started talking and getting together, “dating” again but with no labels about a year and a half ago. We moved in together about a year ago now and have been exclusively together with friends, family, and social media. I knew about some other girls before we put labels on our relationship and I moved in, but then found out about girls even after we moved in together. I found out right before I moved in, he had cheated on me with his best friend’s roommate who lived two doors down from us. He continued this PA and EA with her for a few months after I had moved in. I found out his friends were great at keeping his secrets and lying to me. I thought these people were my friends also, since they were all I had as I moved a long distance to move in my BF.

We were long distance for a little while and the whole time when he told me he was at “work”, which I found out he had quit his job and was just partying like crazy and sleeping around with half the city, including this girl who lived two doors down from us.

I feel so lost about where to go from here. We’ve been working on our relationship but every time his phone buzzes, I get suspicious or he goes out with friends, I don’t know how to trust him and not always think the worst. He says he wants to change and be with me and just me but I don’t know how to ever trust him again. He claimed the whole time he was sleeping around that he loved me and was trying to get me back, but I feel like if he really did love me and want to be with me, why would be hurt me like this.

He has made a few major changes. We moved to a closeby town where we aren’t surrounded by the drinking and partying crowd as much. He doesn’t have a car so he’s not out as much and isn’t drinking or partying as much (he agreed this was a big trigger for his infidelity). I find myself wanting him to go out, almost as a test to see if he can be true to me. He can’t avoid drinking and seeing these friends for the rest of his life and if he really can’t keep it in his pants, I would like to know sooner than later.

I recently had a miscarriage and have been struggling with my emotions on all levels and don’t know where to go from here. I really do love him and want to make this work, I just can’t get these images of the OW out of my mind. He wants to know what he can do to help me but I don’t know if anything ever will? Will anything but time help this? And will time even help? As time goes on, I still have all of the same feelings of being hurt and frustrated and betrayed. Thanks for letting me vent, living in a new city with no real friends to trust or anyone to talk to is really taking a toll on me. I can’t sleep, when I do I have nightmares and usually wake up screaming. He is still "friends" with a lot of the OW on social media sites and never posts anything about me and hardly ever goes on anymore, only to talk through certain chats only to delete them soon after.

I’m having major issues with our “anniversary”. I feel like the day we made a commitment together wasn’t anything based on truth, he keeps making comments about celebrating our milestones, small and large, based on our anniversary and it makes me sick thinking I worked so hard for this relationship and put up with so much, lies, betrayal, and for him to try and a celebrate a day that he agreed to be with me and just me….It literally makes me sick. Does anyone have advice for moving past this? I hate to pick a new date but I can’t celebrate our “relationship” when he was out screwing his wh*res.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm still new at this and trying my best to be ok but I know I am not.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 16:08 PM

Hi LolaJean, I'm sorry you're here. I would pull back with wondering about what alternate date to find for your anniversary. Many of us want to try to make it work when we find out, but that's not reason talking--it's emotion. Right now you are willing to trust him again without his EARNING that trust back. It is a surefire road to even more betrayal and pain.

Don't just throw yourself into fixing this before you can answer for yourself why it is worth fixing and if he can/is doing the work to change.

try browsing around the website ww.baggagereclaim.co.uk to get some distance. Why are you settling for his behavior? Do you feel codependent? Do you want to 'change' him? Basically...how did you end up eroding your boundaries to the point where you are willing to give him another chance without his working for it?

I'm not trying to hurt you (I know you hurt enough already ), but I think those are great questions to ask of yourself. Looking from the outside, I see a beautiful, loving woman who has been taken advantage of and I know you are worth more than this.

I think I can posted 3/4/2014 18:07 PM

Is he transparent? Do you have access to all his email, phone, computer, etc?

How does he react when you ask questions? Does he get defensive, or does he answer your questions calmly?

[This message edited by I think I can at 6:08 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

LolaJean posted 3/4/2014 18:58 PM

Norabird- thank you for your insight. My bf has made process in showing me that he does want to be me and make our relationship work. I set some ground rules and we have both been communicating a lot and for awhile he was checking in with me and I do have access to his email/Facebook and have looked through his phone on occasion. I haven't found anything beyond a few innocent deleted texts, he's been a little more secretive with his phone recently, not leaving it around, always having it on him, but he would let me go through it if I asked. I did ask to use it a couple days ago when I left mine at home and he took a minute or two to do something that left me suspicious. In the mean time he is being very open with me about the past and is at least trying to show me he's committed to doing whatever it takes to have me trust him again, and he knows it isn't an easy process. Like someone else said I feel like he's waiting for me to get over it, I think I'm just having a problem moving forward knowing what he did. I am snooping a lot, which of course I don't want to have to do but I feel like I need to. I don't think we can have a relationship without me being able to trust him, I don't know if I can trust him, I feel like any second I'm going to find out something more and it's getting in my way with moving past things. I do think I bring it up too much, but it's hard not to, it's all I think about.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 20:08 PM

((((Hugs))))

Bring it up as much as you need to in order to resolve this. If he is possibly deleting his texts before you use the phone, no wonder your gut is making you ask questions. It sounds like this is all pretty recent and I have no idea why he thinks he can just say sorry and move on as if you weren't betrayed by him.

The big big thing to do as you move forward is to trust your gut. If it is speaking up, if something feels wrong, believe your gut first and foremost. It is uncanny how much we know when something is wrong.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/5/2014 02:09 AM

Can you do something for me?

Read your story as if you were a neutral observer. Read it again.

Is this man someone you really want to raise a child with?