[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:19 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
I just had our baby daughter and was not treating my husband as nice as I should have. I admit this.
You have to stop this. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. Something is broken inside of him. That's what caused this. That's what allowed him to behave this way. There is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you could've done to prevent it. This understanding must be established with both of you.
I can't ruin another family with children
You and your husband should also be checked for STDs. They can be transmitted through oral sex as well. He tried so their genitals touched. No sex with him until both of your results come back clean.
Should I trust him?
There are minimums for reconciling. He needs to be in IC. The access to devices is good. The general guideline is that it takes 2-5 years with hard work on both of your parts to reconcile. Your husband needs to be all in.
Please read other threads and get an idea of what he should be doing. Go in the upper left and read the Healing Library, especially the BS FAQS.
You will survive this. ((bluebird))
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Tell the OW's husband. He will put a stop to this nonsense once and for all. Tie your husband to a short leash. If he isn't 100% remorseful then kick his ass out.
[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:22 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
Should you trust him? Well, has he been trustworthy? That would be no, so no, you don't trust him. Trust is a bird that he shot out of the sky with a shotgun. It's lying at your feet bloody and torn. The only way that he can hope to try to regain any trust, is by being completely and utterly remorseful, transparent, and getting to the bottom of why he felt that going through a hard time was justification to go out and screw someone else. You went thru the same hard time am I'm assume that you didn't go looking for some stud. There are always other choices to make talking it out, shouting it out, separating, counseling, divorce. Right now, the words coming out of his mouth mean nothing. The only thing that means anything are the ACTIONS that he takes to prove to you that he is 100% dedicated to try to Reconcile with you.
BTW, you really do need to tell the OW's BH. He deserves to have the truth just as you deserve to know the truth.
I can't ruin another family with children in the middle of all this.
YOU are not the person who is "ruining" another family. That family, knowingly or not, has already been shot through the heart. By their mother, the OW. Your WH and the OW have killed that family in the same manner that they killed your marriage. The only difference is that the father doesn't know why there is active bleeding going on and HE is probably being blamed by the OW, his wife, for the state of their churned up marriage. He deserves the truth just as much as you do. Having compassion for him and their children means letting him know what he needs to know so that he can protect his children from a mother who sees nothing wrong with whoring herself out to other men.
I know this is hard. It's also supremely unfair. Hideously unfair. I'm sorry. Come back often for support. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
As for it being so long and you've slept with him? You didn't know. This is where her husband is at and one of the reasons he needs to know. You can only do now what is needed. So by getting tested you are doing the best that is possible. I hope those all come back clear for you.
Do not trust you WH, he has done nothing to earn it. Showing you the phone and giving PW is only part of the equation. Here is what I suggest:
Both of you get into IC immediately. When you say you haven't been nice since your daughter was born, what does that mean? I ask because I struggled with post partum depression and that is how it presented itself. Loved my kids, but felt really overwhelmed and resented my husband a lot. IC can help tease that out.
Read Not Just Friends. My WH sent me summaries of his thoughts as he went through each chapter. It helped him understand what was so wrong with his behavior and lies. We were in MC for 4 months where he continued to lie and omit things. It was a waste of time and money.
Get a timeline from him. Decide how much detail you need beforehand.
Now is the time to figure out what you need from him and why you were settling for less than that. If you "weren't being nice" after your daughter was born, I would be willing to bet it was because your needs weren't being met. Was he helping? If he was being incredible, then see above re PPD. It is no excuse for cheating, but it is something worth looking into. You will feel a lot better with treatment.
If he complies with all of this, then start MC. You can start earlier, but my guess is he is still foggy with regard to the cheating. I would highly recommend reading Not Just Friends before starting MC.
[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:21 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:23 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
She always called him with a blocked number. He never called her.
What a desperate whore.
Calmly tell the OBH what you know. Give him dates and times. Anything you can remember. Let him know that your WH deleted the account.
And then let it go. Because you will have done your best.
Better yet...Have your WH tell the OBH...
Should you trust him?? Not yet. HE has to win you back, trust must be earned.
Since he breeched your trust it is up to him to earn it back.
Take care my dear Bluebird.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.