"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

bluebird25 posted 3/4/2014 16:01 PM

[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:19 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/4/2014 16:20 PM

I'm sorry you need to be here but you will be supported.

I just had our baby daughter and was not treating my husband as nice as I should have. I admit this.

You have to stop this. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. Something is broken inside of him. That's what caused this. That's what allowed him to behave this way. There is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you could've done to prevent it. This understanding must be established with both of you.

I can't ruin another family with children

Same as this. Stop making things your fault. You will not be ruining any family. The affair is what ruins families. Telling the husband will help it never happen again with her. Exposure is a sure way to kill secretive affairs. Her husband deserves to make decisions with the truth. Even though you may feel you are "clean" he has a right to protect his personal health by having STD checks done. He has a right to know this has happened and to decide if it's a dealbreaker for him. You'd want that right as well.

You and your husband should also be checked for STDs. They can be transmitted through oral sex as well. He tried so their genitals touched. No sex with him until both of your results come back clean.

Should I trust him?

Why would you? I think it would be very unwise to trust him. You just found out he cheated and lied to you. He needs to earn your trust back.

There are minimums for reconciling. He needs to be in IC. The access to devices is good. The general guideline is that it takes 2-5 years with hard work on both of your parts to reconcile. Your husband needs to be all in.

Please read other threads and get an idea of what he should be doing. Go in the upper left and read the Healing Library, especially the BS FAQS.

You will survive this. ((bluebird))

kalimata posted 3/4/2014 16:24 PM

This will happen again. Trust me.

Tell the OW's husband. He will put a stop to this nonsense once and for all. Tie your husband to a short leash. If he isn't 100% remorseful then kick his ass out.

bluebird25 posted 3/4/2014 16:29 PM

[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:22 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

Skan posted 3/4/2014 16:31 PM

Hi there, bluebird. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support. Full penetration or not, your WH indulged in an affair. He paid attention to another woman, gave her intimacies, both mental and physical, that belonged only to you, and hid his actions from you. Don't ever let him minimize his choice to betray you.

Should you trust him? Well, has he been trustworthy? That would be no, so no, you don't trust him. Trust is a bird that he shot out of the sky with a shotgun. It's lying at your feet bloody and torn. The only way that he can hope to try to regain any trust, is by being completely and utterly remorseful, transparent, and getting to the bottom of why he felt that going through a hard time was justification to go out and screw someone else. You went thru the same hard time am I'm assume that you didn't go looking for some stud. There are always other choices to make talking it out, shouting it out, separating, counseling, divorce. Right now, the words coming out of his mouth mean nothing. The only thing that means anything are the ACTIONS that he takes to prove to you that he is 100% dedicated to try to Reconcile with you.

BTW, you really do need to tell the OW's BH. He deserves to have the truth just as you deserve to know the truth.

I can't ruin another family with children in the middle of all this.

YOU are not the person who is "ruining" another family. That family, knowingly or not, has already been shot through the heart. By their mother, the OW. Your WH and the OW have killed that family in the same manner that they killed your marriage. The only difference is that the father doesn't know why there is active bleeding going on and HE is probably being blamed by the OW, his wife, for the state of their churned up marriage. He deserves the truth just as much as you do. Having compassion for him and their children means letting him know what he needs to know so that he can protect his children from a mother who sees nothing wrong with whoring herself out to other men.

I know this is hard. It's also supremely unfair. Hideously unfair. I'm sorry. Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

BtraydWife posted 3/4/2014 17:15 PM

Cheaters lie about protection all the time plus they aren't 100% when used anyway. Very smart of you to have the testing done. I hope both you and your husband are having it done.

As for it being so long and you've slept with him? You didn't know. This is where her husband is at and one of the reasons he needs to know. You can only do now what is needed. So by getting tested you are doing the best that is possible. I hope those all come back clear for you.

Althea posted 3/5/2014 08:59 AM

(((bluebird25))) my WH began cheating at his HS reunion. It lasted for a few weeks before I discovered the emails. He had supposedly ended the PA and told her they could only be friends. Of course, he also told her he found her SO attractive and it felt like a HS crush he couldn't act on Then there was the upcoming meeting where he would be picking her up at her hotel. All of this after he "ended it." Even after I found out and he sent a NC email, he spent the next few months fantasizing about her and blame shifting. I caused the affair because he didn't get to spend enough time with friends and away from me and our kids. I didn't appreciate him enough. I questioned myself and took all of the blame because if I was the cause, that is something I could fix. Guess what it got me? 4 months of TT, and false R.

Do not trust you WH, he has done nothing to earn it. Showing you the phone and giving PW is only part of the equation. Here is what I suggest:

Both of you get into IC immediately. When you say you haven't been nice since your daughter was born, what does that mean? I ask because I struggled with post partum depression and that is how it presented itself. Loved my kids, but felt really overwhelmed and resented my husband a lot. IC can help tease that out.

Read Not Just Friends. My WH sent me summaries of his thoughts as he went through each chapter. It helped him understand what was so wrong with his behavior and lies. We were in MC for 4 months where he continued to lie and omit things. It was a waste of time and money.

Get a timeline from him. Decide how much detail you need beforehand.

Now is the time to figure out what you need from him and why you were settling for less than that. If you "weren't being nice" after your daughter was born, I would be willing to bet it was because your needs weren't being met. Was he helping? If he was being incredible, then see above re PPD. It is no excuse for cheating, but it is something worth looking into. You will feel a lot better with treatment.

If he complies with all of this, then start MC. You can start earlier, but my guess is he is still foggy with regard to the cheating. I would highly recommend reading Not Just Friends before starting MC.

bluebird25 posted 3/5/2014 10:00 AM

[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:21 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

bluebird25 posted 3/5/2014 10:03 AM

[This message edited by bluebird25 at 9:23 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

Getting to Happy posted 3/5/2014 12:05 PM

She always called him with a blocked number. He never called her.

What a desperate whore.

Calmly tell the OBH what you know. Give him dates and times. Anything you can remember. Let him know that your WH deleted the account.

And then let it go. Because you will have done your best.

Better yet...Have your WH tell the OBH...

Should you trust him?? Not yet. HE has to win you back, trust must be earned.

Since he breeched your trust it is up to him to earn it back.

Take care my dear Bluebird.