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Marathon session with MC

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crosby33 posted 3/4/2014 16:03 PM

Friday was dday , and today we had a day long session. We both have to be alone tonight and I have to make a decision tomorrow if I want to try or just cut ties. I am very torn, I have a 6 year old to think about. She had a emotional affair online with him and one night time with him. I know all the details of the physical because I seen the text messages about it. It sickens me, and I wonder how I can look at her with intimacy. I need advice, especially ones that know details about the affair. Please help.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 16:10 PM

Why is there a deadline? It seems like a lot to ask to have you make this huge decision with so little time! I don't think it's at all fair to you.

momentintime posted 3/4/2014 16:10 PM

You don't have to make any major decisions right now. Take you time to digest all of this, gather your thoughts, try to calm your emotions and just take time to think. Do you think this is a dealbreaker or can you consider R if she owns her stuff and does the work to fix herself.

It will take time (I know we all hate hearing that), but it is true. We are here to support you.
No matter what happens, you will survive and get through this (no getting over it).

crosby33 posted 3/4/2014 16:32 PM

I guess the deadline is to know if I want to at least make an effort or it's a lost cause. As far as the deal breaker it's tough. I never had so much love for one person and The images of what I read won't go away. To see her happy with someone else sexually just floors me.

Skan posted 3/4/2014 16:43 PM

Crosby, you know, you can simply make a decision each day, that you won't divorce today. Just one day at a time until you feel that you are able to make that ultimate decision. Frankly, it's totally unfair to you, to have the burden of HAVING to make a hard and fast decision before you're ready to. As long as she is willing to fight for the marriage, then there's no reason that you should be pressured to make up your mind until you feel that you're able to.

hurtingfool posted 3/4/2014 16:52 PM

Who set the deadline? You or the MC? I knew when I found out I would seriously have to think things over. Then I found SI and the wealth of advice here. If you haven't checked it out yet, Look at everything in the Healing Library in the upper left. Whether you decide one way or the other, tons of helpful information there.

I just advise to really think it over. However long that takes. It also helps to have a partner that wants to work through it with you. So look at her reactions to what is going on as well.

It is a lot to process, and as many point out throughout the site, it never goes away completely whether you stay or leave, but you do eventually feel better.

crosby33 posted 3/4/2014 17:22 PM

MC made the deadline for me. It's not a matter of if it's all or nothing tomorrow, if I still can't make a decision it means I need more information or move forward. I think tomorrow is more about if I know it's the end and no point trying. I love this woman and see it in her eyes that she is truely sorry and will do anything to fix herself and marriage. I believe it all comes down to is I may know too much about the A. And it's something I can't get away from right now.

Breezy150 posted 3/4/2014 17:35 PM

I am two months out from original DDay and the only decision I have made is not to make a decision. We haven't separated but I have way too much to process to make any fast decisions. I have detached a lot from WH, he works away most of the time, but I still don't know if it's a deal breaker for me, plus he needs to show me why I should give him another chance. I need to see some real remorse, not just words.

So sorry you are going through any of this.

Hosea posted 3/4/2014 17:48 PM


Man, I know it's hard with the wound so fresh. But don't let rushed timeframes for lifelong decisions be dictated by third parties (they're arbitrary). Don't let the trauma of your mind-movies limit your choices (they will fade.)

You say you love your wife deeply, and I have no reason to doubt you. Forgiveness of adultery is a test of the true depth of your love.

Do you love her enough to endure the wounds she gave you for her own sake? For the sake of your child?

If she is truly contrite, truly broken by her past decisions, fully honest about her past sins against you-- and she is desperate for your forgiveness, then this time-- in which you feel so weak and worthless-- is a time where you can prove your true strength.

Because forgiveness takes heroic strength from you. And then it takes a lot of work from her. Reconciliation is a collaborative process, and it hurts like hell for a long time. But it can work. And your marriage can be saved and even strengthened over time, if you both fully commit to it.

crosby33 posted 3/4/2014 19:33 PM

I came from a broken home, I know the pain of growing up in that environment. I don't want to put my daughter through that. But should that be the only reason I stay? And yes I still love my WS deeply, I will always have love for her, but when do I know whether I should cut the cord or pull it closer?

solus sto posted 3/4/2014 19:47 PM

Your MC is SO far off the mark with the deadline, I am speechless.

Seriously, speechless.


Tom67 posted 3/4/2014 19:56 PM

Take as much time as you need that MC is an idiot.
Tell her the marriage is on hold for now.

jb3199 posted 3/4/2014 20:05 PM


If you haven't noticed, almost EVERY response on this thread is telling you that you don't have to make any immediate decisions. In fact, we usually urge that you DO NOT make any immediate decisions...unless you know through and through that you want out.

Your D-day was last Friday? I couldn't even stand up out of a chair at your timeline, yet alone make a life-changing decision.

This is where time is a double-edged sword. It is your best friend...and your worst enemy. But when you put a little distance between discovery and the present, things will become clearer. You can't bypass the pain, but these fresh, raw wounds will eventually start to scab over. The mind movies will slow down. You will start to feel a little like your old self---although that seems impossible at the moment. You just have to trust us on this one.

In the meantime, watch your wife's actions. Do not listen to her words. SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HELP MAKE YOUR DECISION EASIER. All the while, continue to work on yourself. Consult with a lawyer. Take some time out for yourself. You need to get a little selfish here...for your own good.

It is all part of the process of dealing with infidelity.

PS---tell your MC to slow down. Just because they are a counselor, it doesn't mean that they are always correct. Like solus sto stated, your MC way off the mark on this one.

Take2 posted 3/4/2014 21:03 PM

I have to agree with the others. Is your MC experience in infidelity? My concern would be that the next suggestion from the MC would be a rugsweep - to leave the past in the past and move forward working on the marriage... That will not work either!

The mind movies etc. the knowledge you have - takes some time to deal with. You are still in shock - you shouldn't be asked to make any decision right now. The fact that you even went to MC shows you are willing to try...right now, don't see how anyone could ask more of you at the moment.

Long Gone posted 3/4/2014 21:37 PM

I was another that got to read text messages about the A.....
I really enjoyed the ones right after they did it in the front seat of his forerunner....not

Fucking asshats.......

it's hard.....really hard....I'm glad to a degree that I don't have photos and audio...

crosby33 posted 3/4/2014 21:51 PM

I am just torn, because I told her way up front, if there Was ever an affair that would be it. I feel as though I am going against my word. I am honestly ready end it, but my daughter just keeps entering my mind and feel like I need to try for her.

Take2 posted 3/4/2014 21:57 PM

Crosby - pretty sure we all said up front that cheating was a dealbreaker, before babies and years invested...

If you think you'd like to try - maybe a better way to go is to set down your parameters: NC with OM, transparency on all modes of communication, MC, IC... whatever they are... and then decide - not to decide for 6 months - at that time you can reassess.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 22:11 PM

I understand your thinking of your daughter in this cannot, in the end, be the only motivator.

It is certainly enough to avoid pulling the plug just yet however, if there is hope you can salvage the M.

I remember telling my exWBF before I moved in that if he hurt me I would 'cut him out of my heart'. Well. Guess who tried to R. I'm not sorry either, really. As much as I worried about being stupid and weak for giving him a second chance (unfortunately wasted in my case), that is what was in my heart--a desire to forgive and grow.

We don't really understand beforehand what our reaction will be.

Leia posted 3/4/2014 22:23 PM

Please listen to all of the others who posted before me about giving yourself time. You have been offered some great advice.

One of the biggest mistakes I've made is listening to a MC after my first DDay back in 2004. Really listen to what this person is telling you and your WW. Ask yourself if it sounds fair? Does it sound as if the MC has both your and WW's best interests at heart? If you still have questions in your mind and no answer in the morning, then keep asking questions of your WW and the MC. Don't make a decision until it is clear in your head. My STBXWH always makes snap decisions and I can tell you from my experience that they usually end up crappy.

I hope this helps and that you are able to find the time, space, and clarity that you need.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/4/2014 23:15 PM

Although i recommend to be proactive when dealt with betrayal, your MC is an idiot. Dump him/her immediately and get IC for yourself. You cannot get over this in a matter of days, hence the IC.

When/if both of you are committed to building a new marriage, then you go to MC. However for this the WS needs to be remorseful. No remorse = No MC.

Is she sorry for the damage she has caused, or is she just sorry she was caught (or not sorry at all?)

1) If you know the identity of the OM, expose him to his wife/girlfriend/family and notify them he has upset the life of an innocent child. Do not contact or engage with him. He is not worth it.
2) Get checked for STDs.
3) You need to make the decision for yourself. Do not hide behind your child (not that i am accusing you of this). In my opinion it is better for the child to grow up in two loving households than one toxic one where the parents do not get along.

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