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Having a hard time working past sadness.

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Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 16:49 PM

I just found out about my fiance and partner of 10 years was speaking romanically with another woman. Neither of them will give me answers. I feel lost and alone. I can't eat or sleep.he denies sexual relations she is an escort I looked her up online. I confronted her she says they haven't had relations either do I believe them. Do I call off the wedding? Do I forgive? My mind feels like am drowning and can't reach the surface. How do u breath after it. Help!

Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 16:50 PM

So we talked some more he admitted he met her at work he is a phlebotomist and does blood drives all over. He still can't answer why or how long he asks what it me it does. He deleted her number and keeps telling me it was only verbal contact they had. He says he is sorry and feels like a dick and wants to move on from this. I want to try but I have question after question. How would u proceed?

JaneDeaux posted 3/4/2014 17:15 PM

Hang in there. I'm too new to offer advice except to suggest that you need to let these wonderful folks help you. I'm sorry you had to find out and that you're going through this.

Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 17:45 PM

Thank you.

Breezy150 posted 3/4/2014 17:51 PM

I am so sorry. Just try to take care of yourself for now. His actions will lead you in the right direction. It is a lot to absorb and is pretty much all consuming at first.

deena04 posted 3/4/2014 18:01 PM

Do what you feel you need to do, but I would suggest putting your wedding on hold for now until you know. I did not know my husband cheated before we married until a few months AFTER we married. I would have run like hell if I knew, but that's me. Don't get "stuck" in a legally binding relationship if you are uncertain. If you can forgive, marry him and be happy :)

Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 19:03 PM

Thank u for your words and encouragement. I go from sad to mad it seems and i have told him i need more answers before i decide to build our relationship up again.

Howie posted 3/4/2014 19:26 PM

Hard to say, since we outsiders don't have the details.I certainly understand your dismay and pain.
He has-at least, made a stupid mistake.Perhaps more. You've been together ten years? Were you pledged to fidelity? If so,I would sound him very thoroughly on what he thought he was thinking. IF he loves you, he will satisfy you about what was going on--and apologise and wait. Me-I'd delay marriage until I was now more certain.Its fair totest him. Keep in mind- your natural drift will be to just believe him. (My mistake) Don't.Trust but verify.

jb3199 posted 3/4/2014 19:31 PM

I would definitely be postponing...if not outright cancelling...the wedding, and for one major reason:

He is not good marriage material right now.

My question is---what is he doing to make you feel safe for a lifetime commitment? Withholding information? Trying to rugsweep a relation-changing incident?

You have the rest of your life in front of you. Don't settle for anything less than what was unacceptable BEFORE you discovered his inappropriate activities. I don't want to say this, but you have just scraped the tip of the iceberg. Please use caution moving.

Lostingrief posted 3/4/2014 21:27 PM

Well after more talks he has admitted to having a sexual affair. Answered all my questions, now the ball is in my court and am past sad have now moved onto rage.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 22:21 PM

I'm sorry. Do your best to detach. Then watch to see if he is REALLY remorseful. If you click on the yellow healing library in the box in the upper left corner there is a 'FAQ for BS' link that has useful,info on the 180.

Basically be very cautious and focus on yourself. If he wants you to be with him he has to do the work. This is not on you to heal and men; he needs to step up. And to see if he can do that, you need to stand back. Hold onto your self respect and withdraw from him right now.

Take care of yourself and be kind, loving, forgiving with yourself right now. Pampering is encouraged

You will be okay no matter what.

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