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Turns out I'm nobody

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WinterBranch posted 3/4/2014 17:17 PM

10 days ago I was normal. H out of town on business. I came home, looked after the animals and started supper. Turned on my computer to check return policy on something. Up pops his email account left open , with a hotel bill to his debit card in another woman's name. Called him, but no answer. Stared at it, trying to figure out an innocent explanation. Hours later, he returns my call and I'm like "are you really driving my car to a hotel to meet a woman?" (I had actually offered my car because it gets better gas mileage.) He gets super-angry and starts yelling a bunch of abuse...shows up back at our home in the wee hours of the morning, wakes me up by turning on the light and yelling "get the fuck out of bed...NOW." A bunch of verbal abuse and anger, and then he force-marches me to my computer, pulls up the bill and tells me how it's all OK, because he paid for the hotel room. Takes his vehicle and leaves mine. Also leaves his house and car key (I found them the next day.)

Shocked, I called my sister and she came down the next day (she lives several hours away.) While she's on the road, I go down to his office, turned on his computer and searched this other woman's name. Up pops all kind of e-mails and phone calls from the last few months where he's been pursuing a married woman in another state, telling her how deeply he loves her and how she's always been the one for him (he knew her as a teenager), and referring to a tryst they had planned. He's told her all the things he told me when he was courting me, and sent her a bunch of recordings of songs that were ours, including some he wrote, and some deeper ones...telling her that "home is you," and "I want to be with you forever, and take care of you and love you for the rest of my life." Also a bunch of stuff about how awful I am, and she is the only one for him...always has been. And a naked picture of some other woman, saved from last summer. This is just the stuff I've found...I'm not a big technophile.

I meet him today to take his clothes and computer to him, and we started the discussion r.e. how to pay the bills (cause his recording studio is financed on my credit)...and he is so impersonal, as if I'm just a business associate. I was trying to keep my shit together, but I started crying. It meant nothing to him, in fact seemed to make him angry.

We have a home and shared our families and built a life and a business together. Turns out, I'm just Nobody, Nothing. How can that be? Am I really that awful that I don't deserve respect, or love, or even a heads-up? I am nobody, just means to and end or a piece of tail? I am so alone.

Justgreatnews posted 3/4/2014 17:25 PM

I have been around enough to know who the "nobody" is in your relationship.

Unfortunately, your H is the type of person that I refuse to even call a man. In my world, a man is a loyal, hardworking protector and provider. It sound like this guy is not, and I hate to have any association with him, even gender.

The behaviour you describe is horrible and disgusting. He should hang his head in shame, not you.

I have no idea where your journey will lead, but do not settle for less than a real man. A marriage demands one. You sound like a caring and responsible woman, which is wonderful. That's who you are, not a nobody.

Breezy150 posted 3/4/2014 17:26 PM

I am so sorry. Please know that this choice has nothing to do with you, I know it doesn't feel like it, but something is broken in him, not you. The biggest thing right now is to take care of yourself. I know it is hard to even take basic care of yourself right now.

In the upper left corner is a link to the healing library, read as much as you can.


Tearsoflove posted 3/4/2014 17:26 PM

You are somebody. And he is a bad person.

Do not let him walk on you. Read about the 180 and do it for your sanity. Pull back and work on healing. If you need to cry, cry here. If you need to vent, do that here, too. You can't nice him into doing what he should do so you have to take care of yourself. Either he will pull his head out of his nether region or he won't but if you work on yourself, you'll be farther along either way. Stay hydrated and try to eat if you can. And see an attorney, particularly since his studio is financed on your credit.

shiloe posted 3/4/2014 17:28 PM


I am so sorry that you have to be at this site.
Please read the information in The Healing Library.

Yes, cheaters can make you feel like you are nothing and have never done a good thing for them ever.

He will demonize you, especially because you found out what he was doing. This is on page one in the cheaters hand book.

I know you are in a lot of pain right now. Please enlist the help of a family member or friend.

Get checked for STD's.

Also, if you can, please inform the other BS what his W is up to. DO NOT tell your WH you are going to do this. Just do it. You will need evidence to show him. He has a right to know and protect himself and family.

Most of all remember, it is NOTHING you did. He is broken and so is she.

You did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

Hang in there, others will write more to help you.

Please try to keep copies of evidence that you find. Protect yourself financially.

FeelingSoMuch posted 3/4/2014 17:31 PM

Sorry, your WH is a douchebag. (I know name calling is not allowed here, but c'mon!)

What horrible actions.

I think that all you can do now is find support in the form of counselling and an attorney.

Stay strong.

Take2 posted 3/4/2014 17:34 PM

When a piece of shit tries to treat you like nobody - consider the source!

You are just as normal as you were 10 days ago, though nothing feels normal when you are in this amount of pain! I'm so sorry you've joined us-but glad you found us and the courage to post.

Are you able to eat? drink? sleep? Have you consider outing the A to OW's husband?

((WinterBranch)) It doesn't feel like it now - but you will get through this - you just took an important first step - Welcome to SI.

WinterBranch posted 3/4/2014 19:32 PM

Thank you all so much for listening to me. Normally I'm pretty private, but this is just all so Insane, and I feel ashamed of it all, for some weird reason.

I have changed the locks, even though he left the key. Right now, he wants to sell the biz assets to be rid of me...I guess so he can move on with the girlfriend, I don't know.

You're right, it is hard to remember to do the basic things right now. I am cold all the time, and have taken to wearing my coat inside to help the shaking. After the late-night "visit" I am scared of every little sound, and so are the fur-babies, because the visit scared them, too.

I feel really stupid.

And I have downloaded and copied all the evidence I could find, so when I feel weak or this seems surreal, I can remember the facts. I dunno, his cunning and the months he has on me could just make me seem crazy if I send this stuff to the woman's husband. He is much more protective of her than me, and I'm sure she knows I know. I'm torn --I don't want an innocent party to hurt because of me, but that poor man is in the same boat I together, home together. They have children, though. Any further input as to the advisability of notifying this man? I also cannot incur further anger/abuse from the H. It is too much.

Long Gone posted 3/4/2014 19:33 PM

Step One: eat and first
Step Two: Call an Attorney Asap....even though divorce may not be on your have to protect yourself....retain one
Step Three: To me the most important....Nuke Strike his ass. Find the OWs husband and tell him....send proof...whatever....

You want to see an affair go poof? Tell the other BS. ......affair unicorns and rainbows fly out of both their asses and head for cover

Take2 posted 3/4/2014 19:45 PM

The typical recommendation is to gently notify the other spouse, to do so with compassion and understanding and without telling your WH you are going to do so. Offer to provide evidence if he would like it. And to do it in such a way that you are certain it is OW's husband who will get the information - and not the OW.

Will that piss off your WH - probably. It likely depends on what happens on the other end, if her BS throws her out... your WH might be thrilled.... hard to say. But from my POV it is all about providing what I wish someone had shared with me: the truth about my marriage.

Whatever you decide - take care of you. My X left the keys and his wedding band when he left. I changed the lock too, and I was nervous... It was like he was a stranger over night - like he'd turned into an alien or something, someone I didn't know at all - quite disconcerting. Do what it takes to feel safe.

WinterBranch posted 3/4/2014 20:31 PM

Long Gone--OK, yeah, that sounds like advice I'd have offered someone a week and a half ago. I really would like to see the unicorns and rainbows flying out of their rear parts. First time I've smiled in a while.

Take2--That seems like a good approach, to see if he wants the info first instead of just blindsiding him. Thing is, I only have the public e-mails and phone numbers at their business. guess I'll do some more detective work.

Everyone--Thanks again so much. I hope I am able to help someone down the road as repayment for your kindness. I feel a little less insane, more like OK this really is happening. First step to dealing with it, I guess. I'm sure I'll have to post more later, because at 10 days in, it probably ain't even all come out yet, and I've just begun the work of getting through this, practically/financially and emotionally. One thing I know, I can't repair this, and I can't hope to repair this relationship. It's all gone too far, right under my nose.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 21:08 PM

WinterBranch, it's a long road, but you're well on your way and you will make it to the end triumphant. You are worth a million times what your no-good soon to be ex husband is--are so far beyond being nobody and nothing.

Given what you're facing I recommend you take a look down in the Divorce/Separation forum when you need specific advice on lawyers, filing, financials, all the practical aspects. It absolutely sucks to have to step up and handle all of this at a time when you've been emotionally devastated but at least your path is clear.

And at the end, far away though it is right now, you will hold your head up high and know you have been true to your real worth. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

WinterBranch posted 3/5/2014 18:30 PM

This is a bad night. Getting over the shock, and reading the emails between WH and OW...he was telling her how much he loves her and how lucky he is that God brought her back into his life after all these years. Her responses include "our relationship is so natural" and "I am in love with you all over again" and "give me time to work out my marriage" and "we are meant to be."

I mean, have I just been in the way of a pre-ordained, God-sanctioned, Official Great Love of All Time?

What was I? Did I ever really mean anything to this man? I have even been robbed of the right to remember that we loved each other deeply, once. Because apparently, we didn't.

I swear, I just wish he'd had sex with a passing fling. Realizing he left me for the great love of his life just robs me of all support, and just leaves me with nothing. Everything we ever meant to each other, every word he ever spoke to me was

WinterBranch posted 3/5/2014 18:32 PM

unmemorable to him. I really am nobody.

JaneDeaux posted 3/5/2014 19:39 PM

Don't get caught up in his mind games! It's sad that the "love of his life" is oh so willing to be part of the destruction of a family. A relationship grounded in deceit will never last but that's of no comfort to you now. You can get through this and come out stronger, happier and ready to live the best years of your life free of his nonsense. You're are somebody very important to everyone who matters. Don't let him take that from you.

Chicky posted 3/5/2014 19:46 PM

I'm telling you, you need to out them to the skanks husband. Their little fairytale with disentigrate into a puff of smoke. I've seen it happen far too many times. Now there is the very slim chance that they will throw caution to the wind and embark on their so called star crossed lurrrve Should that happen, you will be just fine knowing that you extricated that worthless POS from your life. Yes you love him. That's understandable and expected. However you owe it to yourself and the othe betrayed spouse to live your lives in honesty and truth. Let them run off into the sunset. They won't last. Two cheaters with nothing between them but their hormones and a history of deceit. Ha! Yeah, that's the stuff solid relationships are made of.

Snowy posted 3/5/2014 19:51 PM

Hi Winterbranch

Sorry to see you here, but are a lot of nice people here who can relate to what is going on.

When we first find out, it is like being in a car wreck. One moment life is going along well and then all of a sudden it is turned up side down. When we get out of the car wreck, we are in shock and start to wonder what the hell happened and why did it happen?

My guess is you are still in some sort of shock. I was.

One thing you must not do is "look in the mirror" and ask what did I do wrong.

You did nothing wrong that justifies your WS for having an affair. Always tell yourself that.

Another thing to do, is go to a gym . Put a picture on him on a punching bag and hit the crap out of it

the great love of his life

They all think that. When the reality of life comes in, it all changes.

BtraydWife posted 3/5/2014 20:02 PM

I'm so sorry you have to be here. This place has been a constant link to my sanity since my dday. I hope you find the same help from the posts.

Please don't believe a word he is saying. I know that's difficult when the man you love is spewing such filth but you should realize that the man you are dealing with now is not the man you fell in love with. He is gone.

The man you've been dealing with must make you the ugly monster in this situation to keep up the charade in his mind that he isn't doing anything wrong.

Please keep looking for contact info for her husband. You won't ruin his life by telling him, his wife did that by cheating with your husband. Just as the emails made you feel a need to know the truth, he deserves that chance as well.

I'm glad you changed the locks. His behavior frightens me. I'm glad you have your sister with you for support.

Please get in with an attorney so you can find something you can know for sure about your future.

If you have to communicate with him, expect more ridiculous and hurtful crap. Be aware that he knows enough to say the right things to hurt you. Don't believe him if he says them.

Come here often. Someone's always listening to you here.

Getting to Happy posted 3/5/2014 20:17 PM

I mean, have I just been in the way of a pre-ordained, God-sanctioned, Official Great Love of All Time?

Don't take all of his sappy, juvenile, unicorn fart conversations seriously. Maybe read it more like...

"Hey slut I used to know, I only want to bang you but I know you probably want me to wine, dine and talk fancy to you so you will let me bang here are some of the stuff I used on my wife, they worked on her so now I'm gonna sling them at you too...."

He doesn't even have an original thought. Same old tired lines and songs...Sheesh! I bet she thinks he is a real Cassanova!

And don't think she is some prize. If they have been in contact and she knows about you...well she is just a delusional fornicator. A common whore. Nothing special.

You on the other are a loving and loyal wife. A prize. Never forget that.

I know that being blind-sighted is never any good. And having your world turned upside-down is horrible, painful. So I am not trying to be glib...

Getting your ducks in a row and taking care of YOU should be your only focus right now. It will give you tasks and the drive to sort yourself out.

It sounds like you are the stable one anyway.

And please let the OBS know about their stupid hotel stay and their professed 'Rainbow Unicorn Lurrvve'.

It won't be so much fun without the sneaking fantasy.

UGH, what an asshats they are!

Move away from the pain and into the light of knowing that you will be okay.

Howie posted 3/5/2014 20:32 PM

Bad. I'm so sorry.Don't YOU feel bad.The betrayers always have the advantage of opportunity,they use YOUR trust as a blind.
Let me tell you- at least my betraying wife was sorry, was never mean after Discovery.This actually made it harder,sorta-- to decide what to do. You have this advantage-this man has acted like a total jerk.
Try-in the middle of your pain, to think calmly What if your case was a friend's, you'd know what advice to give her.Give it to yourself.
Me: protect your fiances, see a lawyer ASAP. Best to you-H.

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