Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

She broke NC with a non AP, but directly involved woman.

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Erasmus posted 3/4/2014 21:12 PM

So this whole mess is all pretty new to me still. I'm struggling with a lot of emotions I've never had to deal with before and feeling generally, well... horrible.

The story of the affair stretches over the past 6 months. Included 3 OM and 2 OW, one of which she claims was just a friend to her but that she didn't engage sexually with... she was however sexually active with the OW's now ex-boyfriend on at least one occasion in front of her, yeah... I know, *sigh*. It's a big twisted mess but I believe I know most of it. Sans graphic details.

I discovered this morning that she had been in contact with the OW who she claims was only a friend and someone to talk to, yesterday. I picked up her phone this morning (i told her i might do this from time to time and she said it was ok, there was nothing left to hide from me) and saw the OW's number listed in previously texted numbers, tho the contact record itself was gone from her phone. I pulled the text history online and it was a brief 5 message exchange, tho I couldn't see content.

I confronted her about it this morning and she swore the exchange was an innocent "OW: hey, how are you doing after he found out?" "Her: who is this?" type quick conversation because she didn't have the OW's name in her phone anymore and didn't recognize the number. I flipped out, to put it lightly. I told her previously that I wanted to know if someone contacted her and that it was because I just, wanted, to, trust, that she would be open with me about it. It honestly would have made me happy to know she would come to me rather than talking to her behind my back and remaining silent.

The fact of the matter is that I am an open minded, non judgmental, non bitter person. The biggest thing for me is to be part of the conversation, know that I'm wanted and never ever be lied to.

If this OW was, in fact, just a friend I would be open to meeting her after I've had a chance to heal a bit. Which is something she's told me she wanted in the past and again after this morning's blow up, even if it took me time before I could. She also agreed to talk to this other person about no further contact until I was ready, but in front of me this time.

I'm trying so hard to forgive her. I know she feels terrible about what she did to me and has made steps to show me I can trust her. She comforts me when my mind breaks and the emotions overflow. She listens to me when I talk to her about my feelings and seems to answer me honestly, even when I have difficult questions.

It was just a shock to my system when I saw what I saw and I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Part of me understands that sometimes, c'est la vie. Part of me thinks she's just going to step out on me again and try to cover it up.

TLDR (since I have the curse of long-wind): She broke NC with one of the OW but claims she was a non-EA/PA friend, even tho she was directly involved in a roundabout way. Claims it was innocently initiated by the other person asking how she was after dday. I flipped and broke down again, but am now not sure if I overreacted or not.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 21:17 PM

This is tricky. Maybe it was in ice to maybe not. Certainly her not telling you about it is an issue but maybe it will be one she can learn from.

Early after DDay is a very, very hard time when you desperately want the wayward partner to reassure you and yet their reassurances may not mean anything. Go slowly and protect yourself; detach as much as you can; watch her actions and ignore her words; and trust but verify. (Verify then trust would be even better).

I wish I had more useful things to say but it is just going to take time to get clarity on her intentions. Is she in IC? What drove her to have such extreme affairs? This is something you both have to get to the bottom of if you are to move forward.

Long Gone posted 3/4/2014 21:33 PM

My friend......

You are not married to her right? No kids?


Erasmus posted 3/4/2014 21:51 PM

We have a 1.5 year old daughter.

I really do have a deep rooted love for my WF. I am, however, very very concerned right now. I'm really struggling with her intentions.

The root of the afair stems from several things. While I do not accept blame for any of it I can at least acknowledge that my own emotional and sexual neglect over the last year may have contributed to it. It would take me a long time to explain fully.

I'm not a cut and run kind of person and believe people can redeem themselves from even the most heinous behavior. I do love her and still consider her my fiancé. Tho I am not someone who will, under any circumstances, tolerate this behavior again. She knows this. It happens again and I walk.

norabird posted 3/4/2014 22:12 PM

You really should not be blaming yourself. As much as you say you sure sound suspiciously like saying she was justified.

ZedLeppelin posted 3/4/2014 23:21 PM

Sorry. She has had multiple affair partners. Hit the red button and move on no matter how painful.

You have two options here:
1) Get out now and fight for the best deal in terms of custody for your daughter.

2) Do nothing and come back in a couple of months and tell us she cheated again.

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 11:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

Erasmus posted 3/5/2014 18:22 PM

I know that's what it sounds like and maybe I am projecting some of the blame onto myself. The fact of the matter is that I can admit I was being a sexually neglectful and generally passive partner in the relationship. I live a very stressful life and that stress contributes to the way I've acted in the past. Do I condone the behavior? Absolutely not.

I get it brother, I really do. I can't tell you how close I am on that fence but I want to extend the one chance to her to make this right. If it fails I am fully prepared to begin the most vicious custody battle she can imagine and I have lots of evidence against her as well as a lawyer most of you would think I'm lying about (you would know who it is if I said it). Not just the affair evidence, it goes beyond that but I cannot share it publicly. Nothing abusive towards our child, I would walk instantly if that had ever happened... With my daughter in my arms.

lost_in_toronto posted 3/5/2014 20:05 PM

I can understand wanting to give your WF one last chance for the sake of your daughter and because you love her. You are also still reeling from dday and it's okay to take time to make any decisions.

As for the text exchange. Why couldn't you read the content of the five texts? Did she delete the texts? If so - she knew that contact with this woman was a breach of NC, and she knew that you wanted to be made aware of any contact that was made; the woman broke NC and they then exchanged five texts which your WF then deleted. Erasmus, there is nothing innocent about that. Even giving your WF the benefit of the doubt and taking her word for what the content of the exchange was, she made a choice not to tell you about it. But why in world would you give her the benefit of the doubt right now? This is a field of red flags your WF just put up, and you are not overreacting when you refuse to ignore them.

If this OW was, in fact, just a friend I would be open to meeting her after I've had a chance to heal a bit. Which is something she's told me she wanted in the past and again after this morning's blow up, even if it took me time before I could. She also agreed to talk to this other person about no further contact until I was ready, but in front of me this time.

Even if this woman was just a friend and is not an OW, she is not what we call around here a "friend of the marriage". This is the OW/friend she had sex in front of with the boyfriend, right? Or am I confused. Anyway, if I am right then no, nuh uh, never. This woman should not be friends with you or your WF ever (unless, like I said, I've got the OWs confused.)

I'm trying so hard to forgive her.

Honestly, I don't think you need to be trying to forgive her right now. Forgiveness takes a long, long time and sometimes it never actually happens. It took me over a year to tell my WS that I forgave him and I still sometimes feel like I jumped the gun. I think I actually forgave him three years into R, and I will never forget.

What you should be working on right now is figuring out whether your WF can make herself into a trustworthy, healthy person.

I know she feels terrible about what she did to me and has made steps to show me I can trust her.

Finally, I just want to point out that this doesn't actually seem to jive with the content of your post - corresponding with the OW, hiding it from you, deleting the content of the texts. Which is probably why it has upset you so much - it's shown you a glimpse of how broken she is.

All of which isn't to say that she is beyond redemption. My WS lied and broke NC in the first two weeks after dday, and continued to withhold a bunch of the facts for months. I stuck with him because I believed he was worth it, and I think he proved that finally. But in the can take a while for them to get their heads outta their asses. Good luck.

Erasmus posted 3/5/2014 21:26 PM


Thank you so much for this post. I thought about what I had written all night and realized the same thing. That person (the OW), and she is exactly as I described, needs to vanish entirely. I understand this now.

I'm feeling a little more clear headed now and starting to grasp that this was, in fact, not my fucking fault at all. Please excuse the French. I wouldn't ever do this to someone. Not even my worst enemy. The level of pain I feel every moment of every day has been like one of those lead jackets at the dentist times 1000.

I'm by no means opposed to continuing to reconcile but I think I'm starting to learn where my boundaries may be.

lost_in_toronto posted 3/6/2014 09:07 AM

Erasmus, I'm glad to read that you have been having some insight into your situation.

I'm by no means opposed to continuing to reconcile but I think I'm starting to learn where my boundaries may be.

I'm not trying to be picky, but I don't think that you reconciling at this point. At this point, you are doing some major damage control and spinning like a top. The first few months after dday are crazy making. One of the most difficult aspects of this is that your initial response is (often) to try and fix things so that you don't lose your WS. It's common to accept blame, or rush to try to forgive and heal the rift. But as the dust settles, it is easier to know where your boundaries are and how important it is to enforce them.

And I don't think you can reconcile with an unremorseful WS. I realize your WF is trying to stick a bandaid on this, but she is still lying and covering up her actions, so I don't think she's hit remorseful yet. Regretful, sure, and scared, too. But not remorseful.

Around here, the difference between regret and remorse is in the focus - she might be sorry she got caught, sorry she is dealing with this consequences...but remorse will happen when she realizes the enormity of the pain she caused you and will do anything you need in order to R. Which would include not asking you to meet skanks who let her have sex with their boyfriend while she watched.

It sounds to me like you are dealing with some pretty devious and disturbing behaviours here that are not necessarily limited to her infidelity. I think you should concentrate on setting some firm boundaries for her, and while you watch to see how she does with those you can start to focus on finding your equilibrium.

On SI, we often give the advice of not making any major decisions for six months. I think that advice is sound, and even a year is a good time frame. You don't need to pressure yourself to make a decision right now, and you don't need to try to fix everything, either. You do need to make sure your WF is not engaging in these behaviours anymore, and start to find your feet again as well so you can get to a place where you see clearly and can decided what you want in your future.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.