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frenchmoxie posted 3/5/2014 00:21 AM

Hey everyone.

I've been lurking on here for about 2 weeks now, so I thought now would be a good time to introduce myself as well as my situation.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. We are both 29 years old. Though not married, we have talked about it many times and decided to wait until we were in a more stable financial situation. I am unemployed due to chronic health problems (chronic fatigue syndrome, autoimmune disease, chronic Lyme disease), and I've been unemployed since 2009.

We spent the last 3 years living in Chicago, and in March 2013 I moved back home to Michigan in order to live with my father so I could get the financial assistance for medical treatment. When our lease was up in Chicago in August 2013, my partner moved here to Michigan to live with me in my father's house.

I found out about the EA on Feb. 21st. He claims that it was ONLY emotional, and there was no physical contact (his words "For what it's worth, it wasn't physical". However they did spoon with each other on the bed and hold hands. I don't believe him that it was ONLY emotional. As many other people have stated on here, the emotional affair hurts more than if it had just been sex.
I found an e-mail between him and the OW, where they both stated that they love each other and they are both upset that things won't have a "happy ending" and they live so far away from each other. He stated that when he thinks about how long he has to wait to see her again, he is in physical pain. He ends the e-mail with "I have loved you for a long time and I will love you for a long time to come." But then he says that if she needs to talk he will be there for her, but he WILL NOT be the one to REACH OUT. I had even driven him to the train station two or three times so he could go out to Chicago to visit his "friends". The OW actually bought him a bus ticket (without consulting with me first, or even with him) because SHE needed HIM to be with her, and that was beginning of November. That's when I knew something was up.

Anyways, he had worked with this OW for 1 year, then she quit the job and moved elsewhere. When I moved out of Chicago in March, that seems to be when my boyfriend initiated the contact with her in a more intimate matter. They had always been friends, and spoke quite often.

He claims that they tried to "end it" 2 other times, and the third time they decided to call it quits was on Jan. 30th. He was spending over 200.00 in phone bills just so he had unlimited call and texting to talk with her all day long. I've looked at the phone bills and it is just ridiculous, I don't know how he was even able to get any work done because of the constant texting with her.

I found out at night, but he was out of town so I had to wait for him to come home the next day to speak with him about the EA. He was so numb and just kind of stared straight ahead, not saying a whole lot. Meanwhile, I was yelling and upset and probably handled it the wrong way but whatever. I told him to pack his shit and get out. He has been staying at a friend's place about an hour away from my home. We met in person last Wed. at a coffee shop to discuss things, and ended up talking for 3 hours. He is undecided, and on the fence about whether or not he wants to stay and work on things with me. He is tired of being in the caregiver role, and I understand that, but to just throw away 8 years without even giving it a try is ridiculous to me.

He voluntarily called it quits with the OW when she found out that I had discovered the e-mails. Of course, if and when he decides to come back, I will want evidence in the form of a phone call or text message to the OW, seeing as how I don't believe him one bit.

We spoke on the phone last night and he says he is for the most part sure that he is close to answer. I think that answer will be that he does want to work on it, but he also seems to be enjoying his time away from me. It has been 1.5 weeks. I don't want to pressure him, of course, so I am giving him his space, but in the meantime I feel like I am in a sort of LIMBO. I have given him a couple of book suggestions, and he appears to be reading them, so that's a good sign. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by frenchmoxie at 12:37 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

Truly posted 3/5/2014 04:41 AM

Hi Frenchmoxie you sound like a couple of dozen virtual hugs are in order, ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this while trying to manage debilitating chronic illnesses, my heart aches for you x

Gently, please stop being so nice to him. Do not ask him if he wants to come back, do not prostrate yourself at his feet waiting for him to reach a decision.


You get to decide if YOU can be bothered attempting to R with a low-life, cheating, lying twit.
You may or may not offer him the GIFT of R.
He should be crawling over broken glass to show remorse for his cowardly, broken actions.

He is undecided, and on the fence about whether or not he wants to stay and work on things

^^^^^ Hell to the no! Grrrrrrr

You are the PRIZE
You are THE prize
You ARE the prize
YOU are the prize

Kia kaha

I think I can posted 3/5/2014 07:20 AM

Best advice? Start moving on. Start making your own plans. As long as he sees you are in limbo waiting for him, he has NO incentive to actually make a choice.

Lalagirl posted 3/5/2014 08:03 AM

He is tired of being in the caregiver role

Oh, so now he gets to go to Unicorn Fartland without the pressures of bills, a sick wife, oh, how friggin wonderful.

I can relate, french, I too have chronic Lyme (and bartonella and ehrlichia) - since 2008. I am thankful to be functioning and able to work (very aggressively treated with IV Rocephin for a year)...but I digress...

My H's EAs started before I got sick - actually, when my dad was very sick and in ICU for months. His first line of bullshit was that I was not there for him...

Read my profile - you'll get a better understand of what I went through...but what I am saying to you is it is time to close the bakery and knock his pompous ass off the fence. No more cake eating from your WH. No more of you being second. No room for three people in a M. Hefty bag his shit, put it outside and tell him to go live his fantasy life with the interim, see an attorney and find out your rights - this doesn not mean you have to file.

You can bet your ass he'll either come out of the fog real quick when you show you are not taking this anymore, or, if he's so in lurrve with OW, he'll be thrown under the bus by her eventually. Women who want married men don't want them full-time.

Put those bitch boots on, sweetie. PM me if you want to talk. I know when you're going through brain fog, it's so hard to make decisions much less get out of bed to make phone calls to attorneys. Make a list...that helps me immensely.

Keep posting - we're here for you.

Many hugs,


NeverAgain2013 posted 3/5/2014 10:56 AM

I'm awfully sorry you find yourself here, Frenchmoxie.

If I'm being honest, you'll need to prepare yourself for the eventuality of finding out his "EA" was actually a physical affair.

People who claim to "love" each other and talk about having a "happily ever after" together usually don't put all that time and effort into traveling long distance to meet up just to lay in bed fully clothed, holding hands and acting like virginal teenagers while they all asleep. He's a liar. That's what cheaters do - they lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny.

Cheaters are nothing if not predictable. You'll always get a watered down version of the truth the first time out the gate. I think the last time a cheating spouse was truly 100% honest on D-Day, there was a blue moon.

Lastly, I hate to say this, but you're doing everything wrong.

Completely wrong.

It sounds as though you're being far too agreeable to everything and letting HIM call all the shots.


He's disrespected you in every possible way and he's disrespecting you every single day that he continues this nonsense, claiming he's 'closer to an answer.' I'd tell him to go freakin pound salt and that he's not quite the prize he thinks he is.

It's a shame you're allowing him to treat you with such total disregard.

I'm sending you strength in the hopes that you'll begin to see him for what he really is and stop the disrespect being directed at you.

K Phantom posted 3/5/2014 11:24 AM

I am sorry you are here but glad you found us.

Even though you are not married i think the 180 would do you some good.

There is a link on the upper right side of these pages called The Healing Library. It has a lot of good stuff.

frenchmoxie posted 3/5/2014 15:07 PM

I feel so torn between wanting to pack up all the rest of his sh*t and have him come get it or continuing to be civil with him. I really do feel that he is being very disrespectful to me and the fact that he is taking so long to make a decision hurts me even more. But it seems like from what I've read in the book Not just Friends and a few others that it is best to kind of start working on repairing the relationship even if the other person is not 100% convinced that they want to stay yet? Meaning ... that I should get him back in the house with me as soon as possible even if we are still not sure of where the future might take us?

norabird posted 3/5/2014 15:30 PM

I haven't read Not Just Friends but I don't think it's very safe for you, emotionally, to engage with someone who isn't 100% on your relationship. It only sets you up for more pain if he backs out.

SadInNC posted 3/5/2014 15:37 PM

Hi. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. SI is a really good place to come for advice and support.

I really do feel that he is being very disrespectful to me and the fact that he is taking so long to make a decision hurts me even more.

Hey, you are sick and feeling vulnerable but that is when your man should be by your side! He is cheating and stringing you along. Get angry and take control of the situation. Don't let him call the shots anymore! He is stepping all over you. Please don't let him continue.

You are the PRIZE
You are THE prize
You ARE the prize
YOU are the prize

I love that. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. Please believe it.

frenchmoxie posted 3/5/2014 17:31 PM

Alright, thanks so much everyone. I need to take this time to focus on MYSELF and healing myself, rather than dealing with HIS lack of commitment and indecision. I will implement the 180. I packed up the rest of his clothes that were in the closet and put them all in garbage bags and left them out on the porch and texted him saying to come over after work and get the rest of his stuff. He called me. I answered. He said I can come over and get the stuff, but did you want to talk? I said NO. So... he came, got his shit, and left.

<< wipes sweat off forehead >>

Lalagirl posted 3/6/2014 06:57 AM

I packed up the rest of his clothes that were in the closet and put them all in garbage bags and left them out on the porch and texted him saying to come over after work and get the rest of his stuff. He called me. I answered. He said I can come over and get the stuff, but did you want to talk? I said NO. So... he came, got his shit, and left.

BIG HUGS, frenchmoxie...good for you! You have taken a huge step in your healing.

NC with him for now. Get some IC for you to help you sort through this. If he starts to pull his head out of his ass, one of your conditions for possible R is that he see an IC too. MC is absolutely useless unless you have a truly remorseful spouse.

I'm proud of you. I know how hard that was.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/6/2014 08:31 AM

YOU, FrenchMoxie, are my new hero.

frenchmoxie posted 3/7/2014 18:34 PM

Thank you for the support, ladies. Did I also mention that when I found out I went through his phone bills and facebook and all that jazz, but then once I found out he changed his facebook password.

After 1 week post-D Day, he then changed the password to his Verizon account. I already had the info I needed, but I mentioned to him that I need this transparency on his part but I think I made a mistake even MENTIONING it because he has not agreed to R with me yet. As someone else stated, if he has nothing to hide then he should have no problem with offering his password for verizon. Clearly, he has something to hide. It just enrages me beyond belief.

I asked him if they had discussed the idea of having sex together. He says that yes, they did, but decided NOT TO because it would have taken the affair too far. I do not believe him one bit. If you claim you love someone so much and are constantly thinking about them blah blah blah, then its very difficult for me to believe you two sat down and RATIONALLY discussed whether or not to engage in sexual activities. Doesn't sound right to me. Sex just happens. You don't f*cking pencil it in your planner.

2 weeks into the separation... 2 days into NC. I'm really getting to the root of what I WANT in all this and learning that he hasn't been there for me, emotionally, for awhile now : (

[This message edited by frenchmoxie at 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

frenchmoxie posted 3/9/2014 22:28 PM

Well, I guess we are fucking DONE. He doesn't want to R. He officially broke things off with me, over the fucking PHONE, no less.

I had suggested to him that we do a controlled separation (CS), there are a few books published about it. I mean, we are already separated, have been for 2 weeks. I just wanted a more constructive thing to happen with it.

He's Such a weak piece of shit. He said the most cliche thing about ending it. "I just need to figure out what I want and who I am, I don't know who I am anymore" Are you fucking kidding me? Never wanted to go to counseling with me back in November when we discussed our issues. I gave him some things to read, the Not Just Friends book, and in it it says do NOT make any official decisions for the first 3-6 months. At least give the relationship a fucking TRY. NO EFFORT whatsoever, and no desire on his part. He is pathetic.

Lalagirl posted 3/10/2014 07:49 AM


He officially broke things off with me, over the fucking PHONE, no less.

He is showing you who he truly is. Believe him. We're here for you every step of the way. You seem very strong; you do not need to support a spineless jellyfish.

Can you do something nice for yourself? A massage, a night out with the girls?

I'm so very sorry, but I think in the will be much better off.

More hugs...

hopefulmother posted 3/10/2014 09:48 AM

Gently, STOP chasing him. At this point he has been chasing this other woman for a long time. Off and on, in and out of his life.

I think you have your answer right there. He isn't in some type of fog. He has been caught before and still goes back to her.

Don't settle for being his safe choice. You deserve to be with someone that feels just as passionate about you.

So sorry he wasted 8 yrs of your life. What a jerk.

frenchmoxie posted 3/12/2014 22:55 PM

Thanks for the continued support, everyone. I still had some questions and he answered them for me. Here's the answer as to why he made the decision he made. If you ask me, it doesn't sound like he is completely sure he made the right choice. Sounds like he has just been checked out for so long, that he doesn't WANT to do the work, regardless of still loving me, so he says. I had asked him who else he spoke with (among his friends) because he seemed almost 100% sure of his decision (to want to work on things) just 3 days prior to our official breakup on Sunday. In case you missed it, I have chronic Lyme Disease and autoimmune diseases, so that's where he is saying it has been so "draining". To me, it just sounds like he is RUNNING AWAY FROM THE PROBLEMS. I'm not necessarily looking for any responses to this, just wanted to vent.

"No one shifted my decision, I just gradually realized that my heart wasn't in it enough to be able to really work on our relationship. I do still love you and feel connected to you, but our relationship had been so emotionally and physically draining that the thought of it becoming even harder was just too much. I kept reading the things you sent me because I wanted it to be able to push back toward our relationship, but I just kept coming back to the feeling that I needed to leave. I don't know if it was the right decision, and maybe eventually I'll realized that I made a huge mistake, but it's just what I felt I had to do. "

I said to him "Well no shit your heart isn't IN IT, you've been dividing your heart between two people for the past 1-2 years! (Referring to the OW). Obviously, your heart cannot be IN IT 100% until the other woman is OUT OF THE PICTURE. He just cannot seem to understand that! And apparently I just cannot seem to understand that he simply does NOT CARE!

[This message edited by frenchmoxie at 10:58 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

frenchmoxie posted 4/5/2014 00:57 AM

UPDATE on my situation:

Have maintained NO CONTACT with WS since March 15th when he told me over phone that I was DEAD TO HIM. Needless to say, that was the slap in the face I needed to start moving on. I still don't have any answers about the affair. I mailed him something oh his that showed up in the mailbox, mailed it to his new address, and he sent me a text on Tuesday thanking me for sending his mail and how much he appreciated it. I was able to let it go and DID NOT RESPOND. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.
I've started talking with someone new, that I've been talking with just online and text, but it's such a nice distraction from all this pain.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/5/2014 13:11 PM

Don't send him his mail. He doesn't deserve squat.

The next time something comes for him, write "NO ONE WITH THIS NAME LIVES AT THIS ADDRESS" and drop it back in the mailbox.

Best thing you EVER did was drop this Bozo.

Good on you.

LovelyDaffodils posted 4/5/2014 13:33 PM

I know it may not feel like it right now, but he did you a favor and showed his true colors. No limbo, just got on with it. Take it from one in limbo land, it sucks. I am dragging my feet toward 180, but only because there is some undeniable evidence the WH is finally starting to "get it". Of course easier since he is not in a current A and not in a fog.

But yeah, if he hated me so much he had to do what he did, he certainly didn't think I was worth telling how he really felt....

Good for you being so strong. Hugs

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