SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Mommato5 posted 3/5/2014 09:23 AM

I need some some quick validation! My WH just went to a therapy session were they diagnosed some serious alcohol abuse issues. His sisters went with to his appointment so they are completely in the know.

Then.... Last night they took him to a bar for dinner. Am I wrong for being mad? I am not mad that they are supporting him. Just feel like a different venue would have been vastly more appropriate!

trynhard posted 3/5/2014 10:06 AM

My thoughts..

Yes, seems inappropriate. He is a grown man this will need to be his choice. His sister can be an enabler, but this is really about... YOU.

There are ways of handling this. You can get angry, yell, force.. etc.. IMO, This will not work. It will take some actions.

Have you had enough? Can you protect yourself enough to start some pressure.. or even an ulimatum, your call since you know your situation the best.

Here are some thoughts... Under control, not rattled.. planned and short and sweet. Add some pressure.

Pressure.. light pressures
Close marriages do not include addictions, what can I do to help you?

then move to heavy pressures...
I am not going to be in any relationship with addictions. Either you quit, or I must move to a safer place for me.

the ultimatum..
When you get sober, only then will I be around you. Bye.

Peace

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:10 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

K Phantom posted 3/5/2014 10:48 AM

Let’s have alcoholic’s anonymous meeting in a bar, or narcotic's anonymous meeting in a crack house.

Of course you are right!

Mommato5 posted 3/5/2014 10:53 AM

Thank You! I can't believe I even just had this conversation with her!

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/5/2014 12:13 PM

Is he currently in a 12-step program?

While you may see it as a bit disrespectful, at the same time, the whole entire world shouldn't have to adjust their lives just because your husband has abused HIS privilege to drink. Maybe his sister's prefer the food there. Maybe the place has the best burgers in town.

I was married to a recovering alcoholic who was 3 years sober, and one of the FIRST things he told me was that *I* hadn't abused my privilege to enjoy an occasional drink or wine at dinner, and just because he HAD abused it, he wasn't going to punish ME for it by denying me the opportunity to continue doing so. I think he was absolutely right.

JMHO.

BtraydWife posted 3/5/2014 21:05 PM

While you may see it as a bit disrespectful, at the same time, the whole entire world shouldn't have to adjust their lives just because your husband has abused HIS privilege to drink

I get this but he was JUST diagnosed. He does NOT have a handle on his addiction right now. It was completely inappropriate.

It allows her to minimize what his diagnosis means. Very possible his diagnosis stirs up issues she has in herself. That's usually the deal with enablers. It's a sign of problems within them.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:06 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

jb3199 posted 3/6/2014 06:21 AM

As the husband to a recovering alcoholic, I understand the philosophy that the world is not supposed to be turned upside down to accommodate the abuser. They have to learn to function the way the world exists around them.

But I never understood why it is so damn important to not make ANY sacrifices to help them recover. I don't ask my wife to go out to socialize at bars. I don't order alcoholic drinks at dinner. I don't drink alcohol at a social gathering. It is not a big sacrifice to me, and no matter what the 12 steps state, I want my wife to at least subconsciously know that I support her sober life.

My neighbors, now divorced, had alcoholism in their life before I did. The husband was the drinker, and his then wife preached the importance to not shelter him. She kept alcohol in the house, drank often by herself(I do believe that she currently has a drinking problem), and eventually, alcohol finished off the marriage.

Could/Would it have been saved? Who knows. But I can definitely tell you that she wasn't sympathetic to his disease.

I am not an enabler. I am not a protectionist. I use what I think is logical, rational thought around my wife's drinking issues. That is why, like BtraydWife, I am blown away by your SILs behavior. Why stir the kettle? Why the conflicting messages to their brother....especially when he is just coming to grips with his issues?