Now my question was this wayward behavior? Was this just the ego stroking part of me reaching out or was this legitimately as I see it a need to make right a wrong I had let go unresolve? I just dont know anymore.
I think you're smart to look back and rethink some of your actions. Don't knock yourself for it. As a BGF, I can honestly say it's comforting to hear someone wanting to understand, and change.
Them : in the past, where they can stay.
The important things is you tried to do what's right, the best thing to do now is let it go. For some in our lives the best amends we can make is to not exist.
Really think about that.
[This message edited by broevil at 11:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
"Your secrets keep you sick"
I still get tempted to "reach out" to people from the past, whether male (exes) or female, where relationships had soured, under the guise of making amends or just "checking in." For example, I found out through the grapevine that an ex from many years ago had a baby last year. My natural urge was to shoot him a congratulatory email. But I know better than that; he doesn't need my kudos for reproducing and I don't need to hear whatever his reply would be. I've learned to force myself to leave the past where it belongs and focus on the now.
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way
The answer he gave was basically that it was not necessary, his life was good and thats it. We never spoke again and I havent thought about him in years.
It sounds like he set a very firm and clear boundary long ago, and essentially reinforced it when you contacted him. You respected the boundary by not pressing further.
But I do wonder about the reasoning. Was it out of respect or another motivation?
I believe that an apology is like a gift. Once you give it, it's no longer yours, and what the receiver does with it, is no longer yours to control. While you may have respected it, were you bothered that he didn't want your apology? Were you intrigued by his ability to maintain absolute certainty in his decision? Was it hard to accept that he was decisive and absolute about it?
I'm wondering why you find yourself considering it now? What made you think of him again?
I don't know that it's necessarily Wayward per se. I think it's possible that you were testing the boundary, attempting to see where it was after all this time. Did you think about whether or not his resolve had softened over time? As human beings I think it's fairly normal to check and recheck the boundaries of others, in relation to the way we frame our own boundaries. Your boundaries have been permeable, and his definitely appear quite rigid.
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:10 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
I never questioned his response
maybe he was one fuck up I could fix
These two statements stand out to me. I don't know why. They just seem important.
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
I wanted none of the romantic stuff to ever have happened and just be friends again. We were friends from the age of 9 until the age of 18. Thats insane to me that I threw it away by thinking we could make out without feelings happening on one end.
maybe he was one fuck up I could fix
Find empathy for that 18 year old girl and completely forgive her. You are building close and healthy friendships now. You won't make the same mistakes again because you are learning from them by doing this self examination.
Good job Unagie and thanks for reminding me to keep looking back and examining and learning and forgiving.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:41 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Use your non dominant hand to write from your younger self and your dominant hand to write from your now self. Write your thoughts and feelings then from your younger self (inner child) and your thoughts and feelings now from your now self. Work on forgiving and accepting your younger self.
There is a lot of information online about this inner child work. I thought it was silly new agey stuff until I did some of it myself. It was something I needed and need to do more of.
I'm not sure if it's wayward behavior but it does seem like it was chasing that mythical unicorn of "closure"...which can be dangerous for some people
Find empathy for that 18 year old girl and completely forgive her.
I think these two things are key. Closure IMO is a myth and not needed with others, just yourself.
In my case, AP 1 reached out to me to closure years after we had gone NC. Since I had not done any of the needed work on myself, that opened a door, and I let her walk right through that door. It then turned into an EA that ultimately killed my marriage. Not blaming her, I should have not even taken the call or replied to the email that preceded the call. I know for a fact I was looking for external validation, looking for a 'fix' not to fix anything.
I think looking at what you have done in the past, forgive yourself for it, understand the whys, and fix the whats and whys is the important, and healthy thing.
Its great that you are examining your life. I am doing that too, and it is not fun.
Separated transitioning to D
Knightsbff thanks I'll try that, I am trying to forgive a lot of past behaviors that were just so utterly stupid and destructive.