Sorry for the lack of an interesting title or post for that matter. I just haven't been on in a few days and felt the need to get some things off my chest. I have found myself wallowing in a pool of self pity, guilt and shame here lately and I can't seem to get out of it. It seems that everything I do is the wrong move, the wrong thing to say or the wrong way to handle a situation. Why do I keep screwing up? Why can't I stop hurting her. I have good intentions but I just can't seem to do anything right.
After weekend before last when it was discovered that I wasn't fully forthcoming with some details and had subsequently lied about it things have been very strained between us. The anger is back and rightfully so. I'm trying to focus on the positives such as even though that happened I do think I've made progress in other areas. I haven't lied about anything else since Dday. I haven't looked at porn even once. I have established new boundaries and have not crossed them. I am working at this.
Last night we were discussing intimacy and my BW looked me straight in the eye and pretty calmly said I do not love you, I do not ever want to "make love" to you again. It was soul crushing. Just the cold, matter of fact nature in which she said it. It was almost like not only do I not love you but I loathe you. I can't stop replaying it in my head.
I know I've got to snap out of this and continue to work on myself so I can ultimately be healthy and present, ready to work on our marriage. She is having such a hard time separating the past from the present but I know it's my own fault because I've given her no reason to believe anything I say. I wish she could just know that I truly have left my past self in the past and I am not thinking like I was. I regret not telling her those couple of small details more than anything but I am making progress. I just pray in time she will see it. I literally begged and I mean begged her to give me another chance last night and to try and see that I have changed and I want her and choose her and that I really have left the old me behind.
I think we were so close to making a breakthrough and I threw it all away for a couple of small details. Stupid. So stupid. So now we begin again. One day at a time trying to improve. Trying to completely leave the past behind and start a new future. A future of good choices and healthy boundaries and being the best I can possibly be and just hope one day she sees it's for real. I have no one to blame but myself. Sorry for the vent. I think I just needed to get some of that out.